Dreams

I must be in my vivid dream cycle again. And I can only guess this is not very good, when at the same time, I'm a bit depressed.

I was thinking the other night about the can possibly be the reason I am alive right now. I am not free. The number of things I can do to improve that situation is, basically, zero. And I keep getting attacked in different ways. I thought of April, on how much awesome she would be doing in the world if she hadn't been killed at 20 years old. I wondered if she would still be my friend. People who move on to greater things don't look back. She would probably not be my friend anymore, because of my inability to get ahead under my circumstances. And then, I wondered, why am I alive and not her?

So that night, I saw her in a dream. That hadn't happened since she passed away and came to say goodbye to me in a dream. I saw her. She asked me things. We both knew that we were both 27 and that she had been gone, but had come back. And that's when it hit me. The Olivia Pope character reminds me of April. The strangest feeling in the dream was when we both knew she had been dead and had a chance to come back, yet she looked... developed. Grown. And I still looked the same as I did in college, when I was the one that had been alive all these years. I had stopped growing.

I don't know what to do. And I hate this limbo.

Mi papi en sueños

I feel like I saw my dad in my dreams last night. But I can't really remember.

I had a dream a couple of days ago. I was in El Salvador and I asked to go see his room, his drawings, his photos, his possessions. He was gone in my dream too.

But I think last night I saw his belly. His Buddha belly. I'm not sure.

I miss you, papi.

Scream profanities

I’ve been in a funk for a few months, after my dad’s death. I’ve found myself dragging… I’m not depressed, but I’ve noticed myself overthinking the small things. Like.. cleaning my room or getting up to exercise. Even after I decided that it needs to be done, I get up or look around my room and it’s like I’m trying to convince myself against the good (or the needed) and end up just doing nothing.

I’ve also had trouble focusing. Like right now. I’m working from home and all I can do is look out the window at the snow that’s falling.

I also have piles of work and no motivation to do it. Or I jump from task to task, because, somehow, all seems urgent, but then I end up doing nothing.

I bought myself a couple of 8x8” watercolor pads. I want to refocus. I want to fill this pads with art or thoughts. Or just whatever it is that needs to come out of my heart right now.

Today is Jaime Roberto’s birthday and I wish I could go hug my cousin. Life sucks. It is such a hot mess of beauty. Sometimes I just want to scream profanities. Maybe that’s what needs to come out of my heart right now.

Valentine's

It was a good Valentine. The first one I got to spend with a significant other. B Panther really makes me happy.  I know he cares about me, because he transmits it to me, not because he says it. He never says much. I don't mind. I'm glad he's my guy.