From B to Z ∞ infinite love

Making lists [2012]

2012-01-22T23:26:00.001-06:00

I make lists when I feel weird, out of place.

Lately, there have been too many of those days, too often. So here's what I have:

Want to see live:
- Matt Nathanson
- Mason Jennings
- John Mayer (again and again)
- The Naked And Famous
- G. Love (again and again)
- Fitz And The Tantrums
- Calle 13

I already know I'll get to see some of them live this year, the rest I'm on the look-out for. I really want to go to SXSW.

Want to visit:
- Death Valley NP
- Canyonlands NP
- Zion NP
- Yosemite NP
- Grand Canyon NP
- Big Sur, CA
- Redwood NP
- Portland, OR
- Denver, CO
- Salt Lake City, UT
- NYC
- Drive down the PFC from Oregon to L.A.
- Red Rock Canyon, LV, NV.

I to get to all those National Parks this year. I'll leave NYC and the MOMA for later.

What I want to accomplish in 2012:
- Establish LFP in NWA (each one, teach one)
- Get back in my size 8 jeans
- Travel
- Enjoy more live music
- Get at least one kick-ass self portrait
- Get back to yoga and hiking (it'd be good to do all AR trails before I leave)
- Leave AR

He dicho.

Out of place

2012-01-14T00:45:00.001-06:00

I feel foreign to my own life at the moment. It's past midnight and I'm not sleepy, although very tired. Coming back from Darby's tonight I was trying to embrace the night drive (cold, but clear skies... lots of stars and the moon rising around midnight). But I couldn't. Not even the sweet music was making things better. I was driving too fast, so I slowed down and called Paulina. She thought the phone call was strange, "WTF?" she answered. We talked for a while and I told her I was feeling strange. Then I stayed in my car talking to her for a while until she had to go to bed. I should think of what I want to do in 2012... my 27th year of life. This freaking post even feels weird. Where am I going with all this?

Where am I going?

Where am I?

Where?

I wrote a poem years ago

2012-01-05T00:11:00.001-06:00

To The Love Of My Life

I lie each day to my heart when I say
I don't mind not knowing the exact color of your eyes at sunset
and the reason you don't shave on Sundays.
I want to wrap my arms around your life
and take your photo by the window.
No other story fits mine.
It's you and me.

So please tell me you will stay
and wait for me.
Tell me you long for my touch and hearing my laugh will make you whole.
Say you'll take me for a walk in the afternoon
and will seat next to me while I sketch the two old ladies
enjoying the sun's embrace.

We'll go together,
side by side,
and will be in photos of strangers capturing a story.
Our love story.
If you wait.

11-30-2006

A compliment can make your day shine

2011-12-27T11:13:00.001-06:00

I got a message this morning. It was from a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in years. He said "I just want to say that you are beautiful! I don't know if you realize it or not, but you are absolutely gorgeous. Have a great day!"

Man, that made me smile so big.

I'm so ready to have someone in my life that calls me gorgeous constantly. Love, where the hell are you?

Need a change

2011-12-26T17:05:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty tired of this version of myself: overweight and unorganized. So what's the change I need? Get cleaning and stop eating? Maybe.

Planning a road trip

2011-12-04T23:03:00.001-06:00

Around this time last year, I wrote a poem. It's beautiful and so real. Every so often a bunch of words come together in my head and find, beautifully, a way out. The poem I'm referring to is titled "Oda al fuego de la vida" and it is, to date, the most sound conversation I've had with Love. One way, but still a conversation. But enough of that, because I'm tired of thinking of Love this weekend, or the absence of it.

Let's talk about a road trip. A road trip heading West. Finding libertad. It's in my head and it won't leave. The road has taken over my day dreams, my night dreams, my writings, my drawings. I see open roads and dream of open deserts. I see sunsets on the road and the moon rising. I see myself alone and my bike on the rack, just waiting to touch ground. I don't see the destination. In fact, when I think of a destination I get anxious. Because I know no one is waiting, not really, no. No one has a bed for me, or a place to leave my bike. No one has a job or an interest in me. But that makes me stronger and makes me want to take off soon. But there's too much to do before I take off, so for now let's organize, let's teach, let's photograph, let's talk and laugh. I'm enjoying my friends while they're still next to me. Before I say good bye.

Love, actually

2011-11-25T01:50:00.001-06:00

Our Thanksgiving celebration with the family was a wonderful time. We give thanks after we're all done eating. Seems like it's easier to be thankful when you're not hungry :)

I said I'm thankful to have such lively family. I didn't use that word, I used "tan chistosa." I laughed so much tonight.

Now everyone's gone home or is sleeping. I'm in the living room and just put Love Actually on. It's my holiday movie of choice. Oh, the holidaze. So crazy. I can't stand them, but watching the movie and hanging out with family and friend eases the pain. Maybe this will be the last year I watch this movie alone.

Talked to the most important person in my life today, about leaving. I'm scared and my heart is breaking, but if I don't leave... I'm afraid if I don't leave I'll lose myself completely. Arkansas has been good to me, but leaving is long overdue.

Life never goes as planned, does it? Today I'm thankful for my family, because they're with me and make me laugh, and that heals my heart.

A travelogue of sorts: California, Oct/Nov 2011

2011-11-09T23:54:00.001-06:00

Taking back tia Cande to the Golden State. No voice. Just a week this time, but so ready. Lidi, Sandy, Pauli, China. Jennifer & Jacob came from Vegas to hang out. Tim Burton exhibit at the LACMA. Venice Beach. Lidia's pupusas and sunsets. Cold water. Meeting new family in Moreno Valley and L.A. Seeing tia Lipa after nearly 10 years. Tia Luz's 79th birthday. Drawing my primitas, teaching Kaylee to love film photography. Lots of laughter. Pumpkin carving, late night talks, querido diario. Stella Rosa and others. Too much. Calle Olvera, Chinatown, Little Tokyo, Koreatown, did I miss anything else? Urth Cafe and taco trucks. Tengo pegue. Beach hoppin', fruit stands and honey samples. Postcards for Mauri at every stop: thrift store painting at Ventura, pizza Hawaiiana at Carpinteria, sunset at Summerland and gelato at State Street, Santa Barbara. Pupusas, platanos, etc. Laughs. China, ya no me respetas? Pyramid lake, Lensbabies and Lomos. Lomography store. Meeting new friends, new projects, new passions: Las Fotos Project. I want to go to the LACMA, but myself. Cuando la noche me contesta. Lots of tweeting. Talked to Mauri. Talked to el Chinito. More family in L.A. Saw mis primitos (Chepitos). I don't want to go back. Stand on the chair, why not?

No digital photos, just film for me.

A hard week and a song

2011-09-22T20:58:00.003-05:00

We have a way of taking life for granted, these days feel eternal even when we see them passing by so fast. Life is so fragil and we are all dying. But how horrible it is to be able to visualize that end, when we have seen it, when we have a good idea of how it will most likely end.

I got news from two friends in the last . Both of them have been influential men in my life. Both are facing terminal conditions. Both told me in writing. Monday and Tuesday. One has more hope than the other. One has more support than the other. Both news broke my heart.

After a couple of days of taking it all in, I replied today. I wrote to one and called the other one. Shit, man. This is harsh.

"To the top of all the world
to the tasteless underworld
to the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you loved

To the demonstrated smile
to the lonely love child

destination desolation, tell me when you reach the brink of life
just a picture on your wall

thats nice, what a metaphoric fall

Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
oh what an indication

To the center of the pain
through your tattered window pane
to the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
love is clueless and destiny is wishing
this is my heart, it's on the line...

This is not what I expect, this is not what I expect
I can see it in your tears and now they're crowning me the Caesar"

A travelogue of sorts: Las Vegas, Sept 2011

2011-09-19T17:10:00.003-05:00

Pupusas, Tonopah Community Garden, Stardust love all around, semillas de paterna, inappropriate comments about little people, Red Velvet Cafe, Imagine Dragons show, Build-A-Better class at TCG, met my new little BFF with an orange smile, talked to Jenn & Jake ("it all makes sense now"), Mark Brenner restaurant, LuisMi was in town too, Mariachis at the Caesar's Palace, super accent of mine... where did it come from? "Say one two tree please," lost my ass again, Absinthe (the show), 3am Bingo, #NoSleepVegas, #XNAfail (we were so close to landing and we started ascending.. whaaaaaat)

Loved every minute.

Time capsule (from myself, Sept 15, 2010)

2011-09-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

"HOW'S THE ART??? Remember that ideas come from creating. If you don't create, the ideas won't come. Dream, daydream, imagine... whatever, but you have to put it on paper or canvas so that better things come to you."

One week left of Summer + Las Vegas

2011-09-14T14:39:00.002-05:00

Oh Summer, so sweet and so short. A couple of weeks ago the weather started to change and nights are getting cooler. The skies have also been a extra intense shade of blue, lately. I already miss the hazy afternoons and washed out skies. I have become a Summer baby. Hard to believe, but there was a time in my life where I used to dread the hottest days of the year.

I'm embracing life though, so it's OK if Summer goes away for a little bit, as long as it comes back to me...

I've had a wonderful time shooting film in the last couple of months and "excited" doesn't really describe how I feel about seeing the prints that come out of my Summer project. To end things with a nice note, I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend. I get to visit my dear friends and I get to see one of my new fave bands life, Imagine Dragons.

Please remind me, to never stop being excited about every day in the life.

You Always Make Me Smile by Kyle Andrews

2011-09-06T22:02:00.002-05:00

I like your messy hair
I like the clothes you wear
I like the way you sing
And when you dance with me
Ready set, here we go

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's 'cause you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I like that rainbow pair
Of gym shoes that you wear
I like the chance you take
I like the mess you make

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's because you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I like that rainbow pair
Of gym shoes that you wear
I like the way you sing
And when you dance with me
I like the face you make
And when you dance with me
I like the rules you break
And when you dance with me
I like the cake you bake
And when you dance with me
I like the chance you take
So won't you dance with me?

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait!
It's 'cause you make me smile
You always make me smile

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's because you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I don't know why, I love you
(You always make me smile)
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's 'cause you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile
You always make me smile

Lomo

2011-09-03T22:02:00.002-05:00

A few years ago, I made a friend via a book exchange online. He sent me a book, I sent him a book, and then a couple of more correspondance exchanges happened. We didn't stay in touch, but he did introduce a few good things into my life: the Babyshambles & the SuperSampler. He sent me photos of the Big Chill one year and he had taken them with a little Lomo camera, he said.

I just got mine this week.

Por Avion

2011-08-29T23:08:00.002-05:00

Today is my friend's birthday. I sent him an email to congratulate him in the morning and he told me to watch the mail, that he sent me correspondence. And what was waiting for me when I got home? An envelope from him. I laughed, I never thought I'd get it on the same day he told me about it.

Mañana le mando la postal de su cumple.

Under the starts

2011-08-06T00:38:00.004-05:00

I realized today that Summer is going by fast and that the end of it is only about 6 weeks away. I haven't counted, but I feel like I'm right when I say 6 weeks. While I was showering this evening I looked out the window, and saw the sun is now setting close to the mid point of my face. It left the right side of the fence little by little and it'll soon be on the left side of the fence... and it will be cold.

For a couple of weeks there, I slowed down on the summer on film thing. But I never stopped and now I've picked up the pace. I asked my mom to develop the rolls of film for me in the Winter, just in case something happens to me. I don't want those to go undeveloped. I'm starting to forget about the photos I've taken, and that makes me much more excited about the whole project.

Winter will be harsh. But I think to keep it alive, I will do a double exposure project on my own. That'd be fun.

I almost want to go sleep under the stars tonight. There's been a lot on my mind and I just want to feel the breeze. So many decisions. I've been thinking about it all a bit more than usual lately. I can live with a broken heart, but I can't fly without wings. I wonder what will happen. I don't understand why things are the way they are, but now I have nothing else to do but to deal with life as it's been handed to me.

"Our endless days are numbered"

2011-07-27T17:00:00.003-05:00

Last year there was a postsecret postcard of a sunset with that phrase on it. I saved the photo and not too long ago I ran into it. I've been writing that phrase in pieces of paper or my hand, it's important that I don't take my life for granted. Days are just going away, so fast. I realized today that it is already the end of the month and that's just crazy.

There's so much love to give.

I read this post the other day and realized that, with the excuse of this weird limbo where I exist, I don't have a clear idea of where I want my life to go or who I want to be. I'm going to write a list of what I think I want, as if there were no obstacles. Here's to getting wings.

Thirst for words and summer mind don't mix

2011-07-11T09:59:00.003-05:00

"Summer reading" is a term I just don't understand. To me, reading is an escape. Just the other day, I went with a friend to a park. We put a blanket on the grass and he got a Julio Cortazar book out. We read La Autopista del Sur together. It was great, the story took me everywhere the characters went and it made me feel everything they felt. That happens to me when I read, I become someone else and when I'm done, I'm left wondering who I am. That was a great read, but I only got through it cause we were reading together. If I had been reading on my own I would not have finished.

To me, summer is about being present (mostly outside). Feeling the sun burn your skin, feeling the water refresh it. Smelling the grass, the lake, the grill. Tasting the fresh produce, the water, the popsicles. Everything but reading. To me, reading is for winter; for those days I can't go outside because it's so damn cold it'd make me cry. But sitting with a book in the summer when I could be doing anything else? That just doesn't click in my head. Those "summer books"... those are for winter, to remind us that there is hope and the sun will shine again!

Yet, I'm soooo thirsty for words right now. It's a shame, because I have a pile of books I want to tackle. I'm thirsty for clever writing and maybe some giggles. Let's see if I pick up a book at some point again this summer. Maybe if it's with a friend, on a blanket at the park.

Songs on repeat

2011-07-06T11:11:00.003-05:00

I have Mumford & Sons on repeat today.

Soothing. Lyrics made of gold.

There's only so much the heart can take. The body, the body is smarter. It knows what to do to heal. I was sick over the weekend and after throwing up, I'd get a cold sweat for a few moments. Moments that almost felt like the last moments, but it was just the body healing itself. Everything should be like that. Intense pain where needed and then moving on. But I keep mulling over all the what-ifs of my situation, instead of just getting up and walking out. Right now. Sometimes the solution seems to be right in front of me, so attainable and then it leaves me in this big-ass void. It leaves me wondering, too, who I've become and why.

8 years

2011-06-28T08:56:00.001-05:00

How have I made it 8 years here? In the words of Ben Harper "...I need to change, I don't know how. Don't give up on me now."

Verano

2011-06-21T14:12:00.004-05:00

The sun is out and we're alive! Today is Summer Solstice and there is just so much I want to do (outside of where I am... working hard on focusing on business, but failing to do so. let's hope this post helps me clear my mind of daydreams so I can become productive.)

This summer I want to do the following:
- Take photos (film summer, ya'll!)
- Not spend any full days at the house (day trips on the weeeeeeeeeekends!)
- Listen to lots of music.
- Spend time with people I love.
- Swim (starting this weekend.. Danville swimming yayness)
- Eat well (I plan to cut out buying bread. if I want it, i'll have to bake it myself omgchallenge!)
- Bike bike biiiiiiiiiike.

Here's to a beautiful season of the Sun.

Invisible

2011-06-09T22:27:00.002-05:00

Except I'm here and it hurts. There goes my life, like sand in my hands.

Waka Waka Waka

2011-06-06T09:35:00.003-05:00

I just got back from Wakarusa and it was awesome.
I got to see some of my fave bands live: Michael Franti & Spearhead, Mumford & Sons, Ben Harper & Relentless7, Ozomatli and so many other great ones. I also got to meet a bunch of artists; The guys from Kinetix, Raul Pacheco and Asdrubal Sierra from Ozomatli, Ben Lovett from Mumford & Sons, and Mat McHugh from The Beautiful Girls. I'm such a fan.

A travelogue of sorts: Las Vegas, May 2011

2011-05-31T01:16:00.002-05:00

Gigi, Jenn, Jacob, Caroline. Dogs and cats, cats and dogs. Ellie (skinny dog). Taxi drives and walking. Lights everywhere and M&M's. More walking, driving around without listening to the GPS instructions. Recalculating, biatch. Tour guide. Australian men, dreams in the water, and The Beatles LOVE. Music by a pool, The Barenaked Ladies. Music on the radio, Adele's "Rumor Has It" and Bruno Mars "The Lazy Song." Sharks, turtles, and jellyfish. Max Brenner's chocolate and Red Velvet Cafe. Awesome weather, awesome friends, awesome times. Apl.De.Ap. "Is this the real Caesar's Palace?"

LOVED IT.

Vivid dreams continue: A Tibetan friend with an afro

2011-05-17T09:54:00.002-05:00

Today I woke up while dreaming of a friend. It started out with me and my sister (the one in Cali) trying to go up a weird building. There was a broken elevator and I suggested we jumped on top of it so it could take us, since the doors weren't opening for us. She jumped first and then I realized she would get crunched at the top when the elevator got to the end and I yelled that she needed to jump out at the next level. I started climbing some stairs and got to the top. Where there were several people just hanging out. The place looked OK, but it was definitely a temp shelter of some kind. There were lots of windows and the light was lovely. I came to sit by a guy that looked Tibetan, his skin was very dark and was smiling big. He was folding his clothes (a ton of shirts with band designs!) I saw a Jimi Hendrix one and we got to talk. Then the place filled up with water. We were both on some raised platform and I looked at the water and saw flowers just under the surface and I said something about how beautiful they looked and jumped to get them. He jumped behind me and I started pulling beautiful pastel-color flowers.. there were so many of them and then we started swimming in flowers and water... i felt so happy. then we went back to the platform to find that all his cool shirts were gone! they had been stolen. I was so sad, but he didn't get mad or sad. And then... and then.... I looked at him and he had a really cool afro! like Jimi!!!

And then I woke up... tired cause I had been swimming in flowers and water for who knows how long that night.

Have I failed misserably? Yes. But that's in the past.

2011-04-28T12:26:00.003-05:00

I have been my worst enemy in the last two months. I've excused my overspending and my lack of exercise on the fact that I've been celebrating my birthday. That's right, for two months. I count it all as a failure because I know better. I can be disciplined and I can say no, I just have chosen not to do shit to better myself.

Good news? I'm alive and that means I can turn it all around at this very moment. I didn't shoot myself on the foot. Because I've been grounded for so long I was able to cover my own ass with my savings. That's on the budget part, but on the lifestyle part I'm paying the price. Because I've chosen to go out to eat every time a friend asks me to, and I've stopped for fast food a couple of times (it's nasty, but I still ate it!), and I've chosen not to exercise and make up excuses for myself. What's been the price? Ten freaking pounds. Ridiculous? YES. It takes me a long time and a lot of work to lose that weight, but it's so easy to put back on. NO MORE, BITCH. I'm turning this train around right meow!

At the beginning of this year I set a weight goal for June 3rd. That goal is not very attainable at this point, but I will shoot for it and I will not disappoint myself if I don't reach it, as long as I get halfway there. If I can lose the 10lbs I've put on, I'll be happy because I'll be on my way. What does this mean? It means I have to make the right choices (which I am well informed on) when I go grocery shopping. It also means I will not eat out. That will not only help me on weight loss, but also to get a hold of my finances again. The hardest part is saying no to friends... or trying to change the way we socialize. Hanging out will no longer mean going out for dinner, lunch, or an expensive 16oz cup of flavored coffee. No, no mo' my friend! How about we hit the trail, go for a hike, go to the park, paint, or make dinner at home? We can all use a little more practice in the kitchen, anyway.

This post is my way to redefine my priorities. Revisit my resolutions for the year and take control of my life again, before I get the feeling it's all lost.

BLISSipline is what it's all about! And it starts right now (well, it actually started out on Tuesday, but you get my point.)

Here's something I read yesterday and stuck with me:
"For a quality life: Drink water. Brush your teeth and smile. Stretch, stay limber and breathe deep. Love at least one person, if not the whole world. Have fun."

Lidi

2011-04-22T08:30:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week, I had a random mid-day conversation with my sister Lidi. We talked about dreams. She started the conversation, I didn't even tell her about any of my dreams in detail, just mentioned I had also been having crazy dreams. She talked about lucid dreaming. She found a book about it at the Bodhi Tree book shop in L.A. She got the book for the same reason I excuse so many things about myself, because it reminded her of dad.
Lidi tells the best stories. She makes me laugh like no one else. I just never know what will be the next thing to come out of her, and that keeps me interested. She went on about how she didn't finish the book, yet started to have crazy dreams and she wasn't able to take full control. I lost it and laughed when she said "so, my dumb ass..." I love her. And yesterday I woke up to a text message from her. It made my whole day.

"I just spent about 3 hours w Jason talkin carburrows about life dreams the moon and aliens. it was very nice. Thought of you. Love you"

The dreams about that apartment in La Col. Libertad continue

2011-04-17T23:51:00.002-05:00

I'm still on my vivid-dream cycle. And this morning I woke up two different times, to two dreams. I don't remember the first one, because I went back to sleep after I moved my face from the ray of sunshine hitting my eyes. But the second time I woke up, I was in my old apartment in San Salvador. There was a sea of rain water and fog that came up to that third level of the building. It covered the streets and everything around the building, and the fog made everything colorless. That was the view from the north side of the apt, from my sister's old room. Then I walked over to my room and it was empty, saved for the bed. I asked where my things were and my mom said she'd gotten rid of them. I didn't go in, but I looked at that room for a long time. And I got cold. And I felt the cold.

I've been feeling my dreams. They're going from just being vivid (like my usual cycles) to feeling real. The other morning I felt a kiss on my cheek and woke up to it. This morning I felt the cold and the water outside that window. These dreams are not much related, but they're getting more intense. I almost want to look for an expert's opinion. Almost.

Stronger, more distant

2011-04-16T22:59:00.005-05:00

I want to remember that today I got to hang out with one of my best friends and my favorite hippie. He said he noticed I've changed, that I seem stronger and more distant. And we talked about happenings in both of our lives, in the time we've been apart. It's good to know our friendship is not only surviving, but growing and strengthening through the time and distance. I think he figured I wasn't more distant, just that I really don't like video games. But he stood by the idea of my presence being stronger.

I want to remember him today. And how we went into that store and smelled all the incense, and how we came to the one named "summer afternoon" and had the same reaction to it, as in "not too bad." I want to remember that moment, because we both laughed so much afterward. I want to remember his Aladdin pants and his bare feet, keeping Fayetteville funky. His crazy hair after his nap, Dragonball Z style. And how he set up his alarm at the exact time he knew I'd get there, instead of the time I told him I'd get there. And how, again, someone asked how we met... I wonder why people ask so much. And I want to remember the comments I made about his new art piece he got for this future place in Seattle, "this piece right here, it's not very organic." "Just like Seattle," he replied. I want to remember that, because I don't think he will. SMC.

I told a friend of mine about a vivid dream I had about a spiritual leader

2011-04-14T10:50:00.002-05:00

"...and everyone was sitting down on pillows except for me, I was in some sort of bed and when *he* came, he waved at me and I fainted. And it was so weird because as I write this I can feel it again.. in slow motion, exactly like it felt in the dream. It feels like when you're really tired and hit the bed and you don't even want to move to get in a more comfortable possition, you're just happy that you made it to the bed. Well, those nano-seconds when your body hits the bed, that's how that fainting felt like. And then I got back up and he was talking, it was some sort of lecture. But then we went on another room and he was telling me things would be OK and he was telling me exactly how things would work out. It was really specific. As if he was telling me a story he had already seen. I can't remember the details, but I do remember it was very detailed. The room where we were was low light and there was an orange glow all over."

Memories of red tile

2011-04-11T15:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning in between realities. I go through dream cycles in the month and I'm on the vivid-dream cycle now. I went back to a bathroom with red painted tile, on the third floor of an apartment building I left long ago. I woke up in between realities. The sound of the cool breeze on the other side of the window reminded me of that third floor, but I the wind was trapped on the outside. Trapped on the outside, looking in, to a confused heart.

The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.

I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.

That photo I didn't take, of view from the window seat of the flight I did take

2011-03-16T10:13:00.013-05:00

We had planned to get up early and have breakfast, possibly a big-ass omelette, before my sister had to drop me off at LAX for my flight back to XNA. After 20 days in the City of Angels, sunsets by the oceans, and lots of questioning my reasons to come back, I was still taking that flight early Sunday. My bags were packet and heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.

My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.

We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.

I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.

I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.

A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.

"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."

Happiness

2011-03-03T22:35:00.003-06:00

I am so happy. Today has been a great day all around. A great day with great set backs, barriers, a little headache, a little worry, and yet full of bright spots after every few steps. After leaving work a little after my usual Thursday time, I came home to find Mocha was missing. These little kitties I've taking in while we get them a permanent home are shaking my world. Mocha is mama cat. I got her and her two little kittens "fixed" yesterday. So they were not supposed to go out at all, but Mocha escaped. Who knows how long she's lived out in the streets, of course she misses it. But I was so mad and worried about her recent surgery that I just went out looking for her. I found her and tricked her to come to me and got her in the house. You see? Downs and ups. And that's how my day at the office was too.

I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.

The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.

The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.

The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.

I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.

One day I'll get the guts to leave

2011-02-19T19:35:00.002-06:00

He dicho.

There is something divine in tears

2011-02-17T21:29:00.001-06:00

I don't like to cry. I especially don't like others to see me cry. But sometimes tears come out because they must. It's been a challenging week and I've cried several times. I've managed to not let any tears show, so no one has asked me what's wrong or why are my eyes so little. Yesterday was the worst... I wasn't sure I'd finish the day at the office, but I did. Today wasn't much better, but I got to leave early so I had more time to recoup. The moonrise was beautiful. The full moon reminds me of my sis L since October when I was there and we watched my last sunset over sea, which was magically followed by the full moon rising. She was so happy, so full of the moon's energy. She even told me I could keep the sun, that the moon was her girl. So this evening at dusk, when the moon was rising I had to pull over and take a photo and send it to her. She did the same, 2 hrs later, when the moon was rising on her time zone.

Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.

Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.

Sublime selfportrait session

2011-02-08T23:48:00.003-06:00

I just got done with my selfportrait session of today (it's the 8th of the month, so it's selfportrait day). I am tired, but feeling great! I put up a few pieces of paper on the big painting in the living room and did some quick charcoal drawings, then used some black and red paint. During the drawing session I had the camera behind me shooting. I put on some makeup... It kinda ended up looking like I just rubbed some charcoal around my eyes, though. I'm not so good at the makeup thing.

I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.

I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.

The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."

Freezing temperatures go hand in hand with foul language

2011-02-08T12:06:00.004-06:00

It's freezing outside. It's actually colder than freezing. I had never seen the temperature drop below 9 degrees F but it happened just a couple of days ago. How was it that it got to -2 degrees F? Most interestingly, how was it that I ended up here? But most importantly, why the hell am I still here? The quick answer to that last questios is "because I've been snowed in for a few days and I can't get on the road." The more elaborate answer doesn't belong to a public post here.

I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.

I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.

I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.

Greetings from the land of decompression

2011-01-31T19:29:00.003-06:00

My weekend in just a few words: Relajo caliente, m'kay.
Like Rachel told me, "Everything in moderation, including moderation."

It was a truckload of sunshine

2011-01-28T09:30:00.001-06:00

Is it too early to call it a week?

It's been a busy week. Last time I had a crazy week like this one was the week before shipping my paintings to Indiana for the HHM exhibit... and the week in October before leaving for California. But this week, oh, it's been crazy.

Work- busy. After work- busy. No time to stand still and just breathe. And I need that. I'm about to just drop to the ground and look up at the sky. WAIT! That reminds me-- I did that yesterday. When I was leaving Darby and Stephen's place I looked up the night sky and stood for a while. There seemed to be more stars filling the sky than usual. It helped that it wasn't so cold, so I could enjoy the moment.

It has also been a wonderful week. Every moment is a blessing, like a golden sunshine, each moment is unique. I've gotten so many hugs, compliments, handshakes, and met so many new friends this week. Good-byes and hellos. Life is a whole bunch of hellos and good-byes.

It's not time to call it a week yet. I have some more office work to finish and then some more hanging out and errands to run this afternoon. This weekend will be mine, though. All mine. Sit, breathe... and some yoga for this sister.

Wave by wave

2011-01-21T20:12:00.002-06:00

It's been a cold Friday, ice all around. We're one full month into Winter and I'm enjoying the lovely days as they get longer, filled with lovely sunshine.

After lunch with my madre at Little India, we went to la tienda next door and grabbed some things. I bought lentils and I plan to cook another great curry for lunches next week. I'm finding less and less flavor in meat and exploring the great flavaaas in veggies. A couple of days ago there was an interesting conversation with a couple of friends, about their most favorite food. SMC loves peanut butter; Dar loves nutella, peanut butter and almond butter; I didn't hear what Ironside's fave food is, but I'm pretty sure is something super spicy like chile tapatio. Me? I couldn't name one thing that drives me crazy like that (actually, my response was "sunsets" but that's when someone clarified we were talking about food). I've thought about it a lot after that night, and I still don't have one thing that I love most, food-wise. I love it all and I appreciate and welcome new flavors.

I've been sore today, from my yoga session last night. Since the sore body can only mean that I am doing things right (and that I shouldn't let many days go by before the next session) I took my 53 minutes today for another yoga session. Beautiful. Bien rico se siente al mantener una postura y sentir como lso musculos van agradeciendo y poniendose calientitos. And now I'm still sore, pero que rico se siente! There are some postures I haven't mastered yet, like the Silver Surfer. But like I told SMC, it's little by little, wave by wave. I'm going to be a tsunami before long, with discipline and smiles.

I'm getting in shape, because I want to learn how to surf. Standing on a wave, I cannot imagine anything better. Well, I can: Standing on a wave at sunset. SHOUT!

Life is beautiful. I'm so in love with it right now.

Random thoughts on a snow day

2011-01-20T21:30:00.000-06:00

I woke up to snow on the ground and more falling from the sky. Really cold. Wet. Frozen. After looking out the window it was clear that I wouldn't be driving anywhere. That, up here, it's called a snow day.

The day went easy and the sun came out in the afternoon. I was SO thankful, so so thankful that I even went out to get the mail wearing flip flops and no jacket (celebrating the sun-- quickly, cause it was cold). As I got to the mailbox, the UPS truck pulled over and I started laughing. I said "I came at the right time," and the UPS guy was laughing too; he said "now, I just need to get the rest of my deliveries to do the same!" But now I don't know if he was so happy because of my perfect timing or because he was amused to see me walking on the snow with flip flops and rolled up pants!

There was also a moment in the day when my mom told me, out of the blue "yo no sé que idea vas a tener, pero vas a tener una gran idea y vas a tener dinero." That got me down. Something so inspiring shouldn't get me down, right?! But I feel so fucking trapped.. I didn't even respond, just painfully dismissed the comment.

I'm trying to clear spaces out. So much trash accumulated. So much. I wanted to play music all day long, but my mom seems to be allergic to my music.. always turning it down or shutting it off completely.

It was a great day. Highlights were the happy UPS moment, LOTS of inspiration and reading online, talking to Regi and remembering a couple of fun moments in El Salvador (Sandris "Por el amor de Jesus! No hemos venido a pelear, hemos venido a jugar y divertironos" a media cancha!) Oh lordy... Blessed be.

I also did my Michael Franti yoga and it was awesome. As I was wrapping up the session, I noticed the moon rising next to me through the window. Beautiful. And I felt beautiful, just as bright as the sister in the sky.

10 years ago

2011-01-13T11:33:00.005-06:00

It's not my intention to write a post every day, but that's the way it's worked this week.

Today I got a reminder. It's January 13th.
In 2001 this date fell on a Saturday. I was at church with a group of people for a training or something. Right around 11:33am we felt the ground move a little. After a few seconds, that felt like hours, it started shaking-- hard. I hadn't experienced that before, at least not that I remembered. Trying to get out of the building and experiencing those few moments is something I will never forget. Trying to walk out and the ground moving me around, moving me back a couple of steps, the benches being lifted from the ground as if they were jumping. And the wall just out the side entrance, moving like it was linens in the wind.
After the ground calmed down everything was still moving inside, just like feeling the waves around your body after a long day of swimming in the sea.
We got out of the building and there was a cloud of dirt behind the volcano. We didn't know it, but many families had just been buried on the other side of the city. Some of them were still alive, underground. Over 1000 lives lost. There are numbers, several numbers.. the number of aftershocks that followed the big quake, the number of casualties, how many landslides, the magnitude of the quake on this scale and on that scale, the number of troops that came from other countries to help, the amount of dollars received in aid, the amount of dollars in aid that didn't reach the victims, the amount of days we were out of school while the building got repaired, the number of trips we made to go help out or deliver food to those left without a home or without a family. So many numbers, but 13... that number came back to us. Exactly a month later there was a second earthquake. I remember exactly where I was that second time, waiting for my dad to pick me and my sister up. We were heading to the American Embassy, to pick up our passports with a brand new tourist visa. If I had to, I could take you to that exact building, to that exact table next to that big glass window where we waited.

The days between the earthquakes on those unforgettable 13's felt like an eternity. They were filled with aftershocks and transformation. We became completely different individuals after those quakes. Life would never be the same and the paths we were following were buried too.

Some year-long projects

2011-01-12T08:12:00.003-06:00

Today is the 12th. I like that number.

I was talking to Pauli about projects to get us going in 2011 and I wrote down my list.

Cuaderno Pepino (Pauli and I will keep a notebook each and we'll fill it out this year. Maybe with words, maybe with sketches, maybe with photos, maybe with all of that)

Autorretrato 8 (each month on the 8th I'll take a selfportrait)

Film year #26 (starting on the day of my birthday, I'll carry a film camera with me at all times and I'll record my 26th year [2+6=8, yo!]. I won't develop the photos until my birthday in 2012. I'll try to take a photo per day, but I'll be very flexible about the whole thing.. it's all good) Summer. I'll document my summer in film and will develop in the winter, just to remind myself that there is hope once the cold is gone.

52 in 2011 (Anna and I will take a photo per week until the end of the year. This was inspired by our 365 project [which, I'm still curating... I have to post the last couple of months of photos still] I think Becky is also in this)
Postcard 8 (I'll send 8 postcards each month, 2 per week. These will go to several friends and family.. I like this a lot because I know those postcards will make the receipient smile when they get the unexpected love in the mail)

Good for the soul

2011-01-10T23:06:00.003-06:00

It's Monday and it snowed last night. My office was extra cold today and I tried to keep warm with cafe con leche and lovely music while I worked, but it didn't work. During a post office run at lunch I saw the snow is melting on the streets. The sun was working, even when I couldn't see his face... that made me smile.

This weekend was so lovely. I got to hangout with a few of my dearest friends (Becky came from Tulsa and we met up with lil Carlee; then I got plenty of Dar-B time + a side of Ironside on Sunday too). I didn't even look at my to-do list or my email, and that was soooo refreshing. And even then, I was productive. The Dar-B body paint project is underway and we brainstormed a lot about themes and what we want from it. And we also talked about a Dar-B-Ironside show inspired by the RRRproject. I found out Darby's eyes are brown, but sometimes get green... like when she got a little hair dye in them and had to use a lot of water to make sure she didn't leave any of that hair dye in. I thought it was awesome. The next day she saw my eyes and said "you're eyes are chocolate!" It made me happy.

I also caught up with Anna by phone on Sunday night and we talked Wakarusa photography. We are so excited about Waka... the lineup for this year is great. I will get to see Ben Harper & Relentless 7 live and I get stoked at the mere thought of it-- every time. I wish I could get all my friends and loved ones (Lidi, Pauli, el Chino, Rachel) to come to Waka with me. It would be so awesome! I talked to Pauli tonight, and as always, those conversations are medicine for the heart. She's busy like I am, with a ridiculous to-do list, but taking it easy. (Somos Zen-Minded). She mentioned that one of her uncles told her to go back to El Salvador para que fuera a cuidar el rancho en la playa El Zonte. I jumped at that and told her that fit my plan B! The one we had already talked about-- she said I would have to get in line for the job because her tio Daniel also wants the position of "Vigilant del Rancho."

And while this weekend was awesome, I've realized that I'm not paying enough attention to my family. I don't know how to fix this. If it was in my power I wouldn't even live here, but I do live here and I live close to them. And while that is a blessing most of the time, the proximity makes me feel guilty when I don't see them often. I just have to be aware of things and not let my freedom dreams distant me from my family. They are precious and I don't want to regret being absent from their lives. But as Rachel told me last week, "Everything in moderation. Including moderation."

This week is going to be cold. (And) looks like this Winter is going to be bad. I am so ready for my summer love. My <3 playlist is full of songs of sunshine and love. At least they are lifting me up and getting me through the cold, cold days.

Brand new year

2011-01-03T22:50:00.007-06:00

Friends and family. New beginnings. Fresh smiles and so many new stories to create.

Tonight I was with my friend SMC when he bought his ticket to Argentina. We were both so excited. We met in college, but didn't become friends until we crossed paths again at the end of 09/beginning of 2010. So 2010 is the year our friendship really took shape. He's brought (and keeps bringing) many blessings to my life. Many of those blessings come in the form of new dear friends. Every time I'm with him I feel like I should have a $1 notebook or a moleskin (ahem), because there are always lines that come up in our conversations that I want to keep forever. Yesterday he told me something and I said "What? Wait.. Rewind. Delete." (and it worked, because I really don't remember what he said before). Today we made reference of that and his forgetfulness and he said "I think I just never record." Oh friends.

And something strange happened. On Saturday my mom bought 2 watches and she thought I'd like one of them, but I didn't. So we talked about the watch I already have (a $10 white watch I got at Target last year) and I thought about where in the house it could be, because it's been a minute since I've seen it. Then this morning something very strange happened. I had a long night with very little sleep, but when I was finally able to rest I started hearing a very annoying beeping. I had to follow the sound. I was still dreaming about some wonderland, because I really didn't know what I was looking for, but I kept following the sound. Which took me to a bag, inside of another bag, where I found my white watch still on Central Daylight Savings Time. I struggled to stop the alarm (that's how long it had been since I used it and how much in my dream I still was). How did that alarm get activated? And that's just one of the many questions that came to me and went (along with me) back to sleep.

New beginnings. Shaping up my new year resolutions before I drift into sleep and dive into the ocean of wonderful dreams and infinite sunsets.

Every day is a holy day (12/30/10)

2010-12-30T22:30:00.001-06:00

Today's date is 12/30/10. When I first saw those numbers down on a piece of paper, I felt like something amazing needed happen today so I could remember it forever. Because I thought the numbers went together beautifully. I'm not much of a numbers person, at least not all the time. I do like 8 and 10. And I like 3. And I always notice 12:12 on the clock. But other than those, I don't pay that much attention to numbers. I never add things up or count the number of letters in names or phrases. And yet today's date made me pause. I even wrote it on my hand. I don't know what drew me to those numbers, because I can't think of anything of great significance to me that happened on this date.

But with that, I lived my day looking for that something amazing that would make it extraordinary. And it's 10:30pm as I type this and I can only think of wonderful moments filling my day today:
I left work early, I went for a walk with a friend and shared some stories with him, I walked by that place at Lake Fayetteville that takes me to the sound of the waves, the weather was perfect (thanks to a very welcome heat wave), I found an apple in my bag (from yesterday) and I ate it and it was perfect, I came home and got on my bici to go for a ride around my neighborhood. Then while I was out riding I saw some gold in the sky. A hidden sunset behind winter clouds. That's when it hit me, it came with the cool wind, every day is a holy day.

I got back from my bike ride and went to the back yard to catch the last rays of the sun. I took a couple of photos and then came in the house and called Sandy, for a little catch up. Querido Diario talks, that's what we call them. I did yoga, I talked to my tia Ceci, I talked to Sandy again and planned lunch with Darby tomorrow.

I wanted to process a lot of photos tonight, but after a day so refreshing, I think I'll pass on the processing.

I'll write a postcard for Pau and a letter for Mauri. Then off to bed.

Life is beautiful, let's celebrate it every day.

On the phone with dad

2010-12-28T22:34:00.011-06:00

It's been two years since I thought I killed this blog. I stopped posting because that's what I needed. I thought the blog wasn't "going" anywhere, so I walked away.

I now realize that I was the one that felt trapped. But a few days ago I looked at old posts and realized this blog was never meant to GO anywhere. It was just drawing the lines of the paths I was walking, drawing my journey. When I walked in circles, it went in circles; when I walked a straight line, it went straight; when I levitated, it went up right along me (was that too much? ok, pues)

That's when I decided I would start writing again. The posts I read over a few days ago gave me an idea of who I was, and it became relevant-- It highlighted the things that were important to me at those times, the people that were helping me create myself, the lessons I was learning. Why not keep documenting a life?

I haven't stopped documenting. Memory is important to me, so I'm always collecting stories, images, parts of conversations, times and dates, songs, places, sunsets. It's a beautiful thing, memory. But it fades. So I'll write what's important.

I'm really glad I decided to keep this blog from being an outlet for rants and hate. I'm glad I never wrote anything negative about anyone. I can tell if I was upset, and I remember events behind some posts, but I see I tried to process instead of just letting things out. That will be the same. Because at the end of a life, we remember the good and the bad usually fades away into a part of memory where we don't like to reach. I've been documenting the good. This year I worked on the 365 project with Anna (we both took a photo/day from Dec 01, 09 - Nov 30, 2010) and on the correspondence project with Pauli (she wrote me letters, I sent her postcards). I kept journals when I traveled. I've taken photos...so many photos. I got a tattoo. I've been drawing and I started painting again this year. I've tweeted (it's also a way to keep track of life). I've written emails to friends and family. But this blog, it calls my name. It helps the words flow.

I just got off the phone with my dad in El Salvador. I don't call him very often, but I need to. It breaks my heart to say goodbye to him over the phone, because I never know when I'll be able to hug him again. But I shouldn't let the harsh goodbyes keep me from calling to say hello.

My dad and I, we talked about our Christmas celebrations-- miles away from each other. He told me about my brothers (Isaac and Mario) and how Isaac swallowed a coin today and he spent a great amount of time at the hospital (Isaac is fine-- my dad said he might have pooped the coin HAHA). He told me it's been cold in El Salvador and when he last saw my family. I updated him on my sisters and brother in the States-- of the last time I saw them, if they are working, if they are OK, if they love someone, how Barbie's babies are. I also told him about my art exhibits and talks this year. He told me he thought very highly of my art-- he told me the various layers of my painting are divine and we talked about Frida Kahlo. He told me he has some of my drawings hanging on his walls, a couple of my works on paper. He loves it, my art. And he told me my cousin is a bit big "parece Buddha." My papi is funny. He didn't rub my cousin's belly; he said he rather send an email for good fortune.

My mom told me to call him, before Christmas. She's also been pointing out my Gutierrezness... I do this just like my dad, I say that just like him, oh he does that too. Family runs much deeper in us than we know. We're the mixture of extraordinary individuals (my parents are extraordinary, my grandparents are extraordinary). My name comes from both of my grandmas. My abuelita (Eugenia) was extraordinary, such an amazing woman. And I'm sure my abuelita Bertha was too.

And just like that, I'm writing here again.

I'm thirsty for a sunset over the Pacific. Each beautiful sunset-- Transient paintings in the sky. Infinite love ∞ (thought I sent out to the world of the internets through twitter today)

Feliz Cumpleaños and good-bye

2008-12-27T00:21:00.006-06:00

FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS PAULINITA!!!!!
te quiero mucho amiga! it was a couple of days ago, but here's this:

And with that, I say goodbye.

With the end of the year always comes reflection and new expectations. I am happy and thankful for this year. It has been good and bad, happy and sad, and memorable. I got to see people I love. I got to see my dad and my friend Paulina after so many years. And the first of the year I got to see my brother JuanCa after almost 6 years. 2008 has left me with many blessings, but also, with a big hole inside.

I started this blog out of nothing, so beside from somewhat outlining part of my journey in the past 5 years it didn't go anywhere. So I have to move on. Move on from this space to new, wonderful things. :)

For now, find me here, here, and here.

I wish you life, health and happiness.

Feliz Navidad to you and yours!!

2008-12-24T10:16:00.001-06:00

I wish you a very happy time!!! Enjoy the time with your family, friends and
loved ones. There's nothing better than that!!!

He took my pain away

2008-12-21T00:45:00.002-06:00

This was a hard week for me. And I asked Him to take the pain away and He did.

Thank you God.

oh i've been reading about batteries

2008-12-13T01:26:00.004-06:00

And it looks like i need to calibrate my macbook pro battery. If it doesn't work i'll have to call apple support... it might be just a little too late to talk about calibrating a battery though... zzzZZZ.

Oh yeah... "Nothing like the Holidays" is my new fave. Will have to buy it for next Christmas... will be a movie tradition, just like Love Actually.. well, almost.

Y bueno, pareciera que no tengo nada de sueño... that's what night walks at the park do to you. Specially when it's cold. I have a full day planned for tomorrow... or later today, I should say. I have some shopping to do and some wandering. Oh, i love the definition of wandering... very poetic.

"walk or move in a leisurely, casual, or aimless way"

I am listening to the wind and the very crusty leaves that are dancing to its melody just outside this window. It's very cold outside. And I got tired of my glasses, put them away, and now the lights seem magical.

The moon tonight was beautiful. The night before I was born there was a beautiful moon, it was so bright that my mom thought the sun was still out. She said that's maybe why I like the moon so much. But then I told her how much I like the sun too.

Oh, this thinking has made me sleepy. Buenas noches.

Nonstop

2008-12-10T23:00:00.001-06:00

From here to there. It's been a long day. From work to work to grocery shop to visit to eat to come back and talk. Oh my. I'm not done yet. One watercolor design to go and I'll be good for bed.

Snow clouds and a Micky D's gift card

2008-12-09T21:33:00.005-06:00

I drove under snow clouds tonight. Clouds so bright that you think the lights of a stadium could be on, or that maybe the day hasn't ended yet. It's cold and I find myself journaling again. Not very lively, but journaling again.

Love, actually.

2008-12-08T23:28:00.002-06:00

Emails emails. I want to hang out with you. and you. and you. There's a movie i want to see today and tomorrow and the next day. But just this month. Every movie has its season, every season has its move. Every day gets closer to the end of the year and the beginning of the new year. New calendars, new goals or maybe we'll recycle. Quiero esto, quiero aquello, but that's what I really want.

Enough.

2008-12-07T11:01:00.002-06:00

Sitting, standing. Cliché reigning over talks and the news crashing down on the little people and forgetting details that make them seem ridiculous and completely unprepared. I am standing and I read the sentences of the famous man that was murdered and that lives forever in those words. Those powerful words that someone forgot to teach me how to pronounce. I am sitting. Listening to the cords of his guitar. With my eternal soul. Alone. Not lonely. Always trying to repair someone else and pretending I know how. Unicorns aren't real. If they were, they'll be blue and yellow, and they wouldn't fly. Inanimate objects call a name, not my name, they can't pronounce it. I told you cliché reigns over talks. I got two eyes and they are fine and see color so bright and soft and they can't see too far out.

This is nothing. Just words. But I could be wrong. Wrong for stealing lines and borrowing air. Kisses kissses kisssses in foreign countries where I once stepped foot. I am standing on the top of an ancient sanctuary and in the middle of a ball park. On top of the tallest hand-made mountain you can imagine, and the stars look so far still.

Once upon a time was too long ago.

But there's this song that reminds me of rainy afternoons and bus rides. What a long green ride. What a sharp image. What a dusty country and how colorful were those stamps. They don't use stamps anymore. It's a waste of ink, I heard. Also someone that now is really famous found out how to stamp in invisible numbers. My eyes can't see those, no matter how close they are. I haven't seen them this week. I also haven't seen that man. And I have seen too many strangers and I remember their names, and I've forgotten the name of friends and only remember their faces now. Memory. I have to back up the memory or I'll forget. But I won't ever forget of the rose that you killed. Who's waiting? Oh make them wait and they'll eventually go home. Push away, let go. What does it all mean? I was interesting at some point in time. And it wasn't too long ago, but no no more. Tell me a story and I'll make up the ending. The beginning is yours to keep I don't want it. And you can correct me, but keep the draft marked with red pen because I will through it out for you.

And someone said everyone will say they believe, but what if someone can't say it and that mouth doesn't even open for a smile. Oh the green grass and the warmth. What are those flying lights? The song's over, so I'll get up.

5 years

2008-12-03T21:01:00.001-06:00

Today marks 5 years since my first blog post.

Time flies.

WHAT?????!!!!!!!!

2008-11-29T16:52:00.003-06:00

2008-11-27T09:20:00.002-06:00

Oh Jack Johnson

2008-11-25T18:24:00.000-06:00

I have a song in my head and it's got me smiling every 5 minutes and moving from side to side as if I was at the live performance. I was also thinking how hard it is to reflect. I used to be much better at it. The words would flow and every now and then, a poem would come and give life to an simple thought, making it float, making it dance to the melody of my heart. But sometimes is hard to give any more thought to what's already hard to take in.

Always looking out... says Jack on that song. Always looking out.

The past month of my life has been nothing short of a roller coaster and I'm
still not caught up work and rest. So words... they're the last item on the list... at least worthy of writing. I still have a lot of silly, bad composed sentences coming out of my mount faster than they travel my mind. Foolish. Funny. Annoying, I would imagine.

Oh, but sometimes is just hard to write without a melody in your heart. They won't come out if it's not along a beautiful melody of the heart. So we just float. We float above any meaning, any essence. We build dreams with clouds instead of hard metal that would last a few more years. And by we, I mean I. Always looking out... said Jack on that song.

I'll keep humming the song in my head. Words don't come so easy today. Maybe because I
want green tea and honey. And because I'm not taking time to revisit moments. I am content with right now. I feel good. I love that song in my head and I'm looking out... I need this right now. A break. Recoup and will look in tomorrow. Or the day after. Miracles take time to digest and they change you. I know I'm not the same I was a month ago. But for now, I won't try to figure out what's different, for the rest of the night I'll just keep humming my song.

Always looking out....

I witnessed the miracle.

2008-11-12T23:22:00.003-06:00

My tio Gil lived a miracle yesterday. Thank YOU for giving him life again... right in front of my eyes. I can't go into detail, but he has been given a second chance. And so have I.

So many photos!!!

2008-11-07T14:44:00.002-06:00

I am a little overwhelmed of how many photos and how many ideas I got during the Ozarks 992 trip... oh yeah. That's the name. Oh, I also am a little sad that all my friends that want to go with me to the Folk Fest are NOT near me :(

I need me some friends in town. And THAT thought is one that never ever had cross my mind before.

OzarkFolkFestival.com

2008-11-06T09:08:00.001-06:00

I really want to go to this...

Back and gone again!!

2008-11-02T18:06:00.002-06:00

I came back from my trip with Anna today. More about that later. I have to go now... for the whole week. I'll be able to work on my photos until Saturday next week!!! I don't know if I'll be able to wait until then :)

I'm gonna need some green tea with lime and honey PRONTO

2008-10-30T09:05:00.001-05:00

'nuff said.

The next few days.... the last few days....

2008-10-29T19:17:00.003-05:00

I love this portrait of my mom:

And now that fall has finally taken over all the trees around this place, the time for the trip me and my friend longed for so much we are finally taking it.. This Friday we take on the state for three days. I will come back refreshed. Thank you Lord!

I will come back refreshed...

I am always in the middle of doing something

2008-10-26T11:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my cousin's homecoming dance so we took a bunch of photos that I have yet to download and edit, so here's one from a previous photo shoot. I'm right now in the middle of organizing my living/work space and it's taking long. It's specially taking long because my legs are very sore from a walk uphill yesterday. It was fun though... Arrivederci. I have a whole lot more to do...

Film

2008-10-20T22:49:00.002-05:00

I got some batteries today for my beloved film camera. I will have you with me every moment. I've missed you so much!

Through a fortune cookie

2008-10-17T19:49:00.002-05:00

God talked to me through a fortune cookie yesterday. He's been looking at me, shouting, painting the message in the sunsets, through my mother's smile and I have been missing it all. Yesterday I got a fortune cookie from a friend and when I opened it my eyes watered. It said "You will soon witness a miracle."

And now everything is so clear and so confusing at the same time. Please talk to me more... teach me to listen, because I forgot how to listen to you a long time ago.

Mañana!!!

2008-10-15T16:21:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the opening of El Pollo Campero!!! I'm excited!!

I'm also really tired. I've been working until late this week. And I still
have so much to do. I like being busy... but I'd love me a nap right about
now.

POLLO CAMPERO GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

MAÑANA, CAN'T WAIT FOR MAÑANA!!!

El Pollo Campero

in Rogers opens tomorrow..... .We'll be in line for about an hour or so, but we'll get it!!!!!!!!

Click click click click

2008-10-09T00:18:00.002-05:00

Quick update:
I got a lens!!! EF 50mm f/1.8 II baby....

and I've been playing with multiple exposures the digital way....

Looking forward

2008-10-01T19:19:00.003-05:00

Here's a new month. October. If I was in my country, I would be expecting winds.. ans who knows what else, at this point in my life. I miss those winds.

Here, the days are getting colder and the sky is painted of a perfect blue that overwhelms everything with a clarity that makes us so aware of change. Soon the trees will transform. Their leaves will change colors to yellows, oranges and reds. Fall is beautiful, but I dread the cold a bit. I'm sure I'll remember how to love it soon, but now, I dread the cold.

I am excited about things to come. About a photo trip around the Ozarks with Anna. About new paintings and new pictures and empty spaces. I have to move materials out of my room. I need a studio.

Oh well. I have this to share. A new commercial I've seen on TV. Reminds me of friends.
I love it.

José's little one!!!

2008-09-28T12:45:00.002-05:00

José's daughter was born this week on the 22nd and she is so beautiful and tiny!!! I meet her yesterday and gave her a painting I made for her. They're moving to FL in a couple of days and I wish them the best.

Dios te bendiga linda!!!

Adios Verano: the last of my summer imagery

2008-09-21T14:08:00.002-05:00

Lately

2008-09-16T20:03:00.002-05:00

I'm playing in the photo trade this month. This is one of the photos I'm sending:

I met Damián Alcázar on Sunday when I was meeting my friend at barnes & noble. I saw him come in and I recognized him. Earlier this summer I read an article in the local Spanish newspaper that he's been in town, studying English at the UA. I was pretty excited to have my camera with me:

Game on Saturday against Alabama... I'm wearing my new #7 Jersey. Go Alex! Go HOGS!

Dear April,

2008-09-10T17:23:00.001-05:00

I have today marked in my calendar with your name. Today makes three years since I last saw you. I can't forget that the last time I saw you he was with you. That conversation was left pending as did so many plans we had together.

Today makes it three years closer to the day I see you again.

I keep missing you, my friend.

Rest in love.... Until the next smile.....

Se me olvido otra vez que solo yo te quise

2008-09-10T10:58:00.001-05:00

Se me olvido mi iPod en la casa hoy. Asi que la oficina solo suena a
telefonos, conversaciones en las que no estoy interesada, a los teclados
alreadedor, clicks y al aire acondicionado que todavia esta encendido a
pesar de que afuera de estas paredes el aire se esta poniendo más fresquito.

Asi que de memoria me toca cantar en silencio los versos de los que me
acuerdo. Y de los que no me acuerdo, me los invento. Hoy despues de terminar
lo que tengo que hacer en la casa voy a ir en busca de fotografias.

Sigo cantando con la version de Maná en la cabeza... "probablemente ya de mi
te has olvidado y mientras tanto yo te seguiré esperando, no me he querido
ir para ver si algun día que quieras tu volver, me encuentres todavía..."

Ni todo el amor, ni todo el dinero

2008-09-06T22:59:00.002-05:00

Palabras sabias de la mamá de Roberto refiriendose a las relaciones interpersonales.

No ha parado de llover

2008-09-04T12:43:00.001-05:00

La orillita del huracán Gustav llego hasta aca y desde hace dos días no ha dejado de llover. Si no fuera por las hojas en los árboles aun adornando las ramas y bien verdecitas, parecería invierno.

Estos días lluviosos me recuerdan que ya se me fue de las manos el verano de este año. Asi de rápido se pasan los días cuando uno no quiere que se vayan. De niña, deseando que las vacaciones a final de octubre llegarán, se me hacian eternos los días y los meses. Los vientos de octubre me decian que ya casi llegaba el tiempo por el que habia esperado todo el santo año.

Hay mucho trabajo en mi calendario marcado para los siguientes tres o cuatro días. Se fue tan rápido la semana!!!

Etc otra vez

2008-09-03T09:22:00.002-05:00

Ya terminé Como Agua Para Chocolate. La terminé anoche mientras la lluvia caia afuera de mi ventana en las posas que ya se habian formado. La historia me encantó, y talvés el que haya leido la babosada de Do Travel Writers Go to Hell me ayudo a apreciar la literatura de calidad mucho más aun. Que buena historia!! todavia me tiene soñando!! Y es que el libro que lei anteriormente no se puede describir de otra mañera que una jayanada. Es bueno para medio pasar el rato, pero no puedo decir que saque nada más que
un par de carcajadas de ese libro. Por lo menos me quite las ganas de leerlo.

Ya le tengo que devolver la obra de Laura Esquivel a Sandy. Ya le escribí para decirle lo mucho que me encantó.

Me retiro por el momento. He estado tratando de escribir más porque mi amiga me lo reclamó y en cierta forma, para guardar mis días de alguna manera. No he tenido ganas de nada ultimamente. Ni de escribir, ni de tomar fotos, ni de pintar, ni de dibujar y mucho menos de terminar mi sitio de internet. A ver que ondas. Quiza cuando se me terminé este castigo que me ha caido por quien sabe que... quiza fue culpa de Eva, aunque yo más se la echo a Adan. Las mujeres cuando andan en sus días saben lo incomodo que es, y pues que pasa que no ha bastado con un par de semanas ya?!

Libros, etc

2008-09-01T22:39:00.002-05:00

Hace tres días empece a leer Como Agua Para Chocolate de Laura Esquivel. Siempre habia tenido curiosidad de leerlo pero hasta el momento no se habia presentado la oportunidad, pero hace un par de semanas mi amiga Sandy me presto el libro para que de una vez por todas le prestará el respeto debido y lo leyera.

Y qué puedo decir?! Mis complejos de lectora choyuda quedaron en algún lugar muy lejos de mi existencia, porque al paso que voy, termino el libro mañana... si, sería en solo días. Y es que es uno de esos libros que no se pueden cerrar una vez uno ha comenzado con la primera oración de cada capitulo... y al final de cada capitulo, hay que sequir y sequir hasta que me arden los ojos (es que leo de noche).

Ah, pero el ardor de ojos no es solo por la alta hora nocturna que alcanzo, sino tambien por las chilladas que me pego! Parezco la misma Tita cuando pica cebollas!

Este es un libro que después de devolverselo a la Sandy voy a tener que comprar... mis respetos!

An almost good-bye to August

2008-08-27T21:45:00.003-05:00

It's almost the end of the month and I'm here... with more projects at hand since.... I don't know, the beginning of the summer, maybe.

I am happy.
I miss the Olympics.
I am still reading that book (Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?").
I am not so happy with my slow reading skills.
I am very excited about the new project.
I can't wait for the end of the week and the Arts Fest!!!
I got to eat my first yellow watermelon.
It was delicious!
I am still hooked on Café Tacuba... and some other music.
And... I present to you, my first faked lomo photo. Thank you to a handy little online tutorial.

Summer Imagery Número Dos

2008-08-17T20:06:00.004-05:00

AMAZING!!!

2008-08-16T23:27:00.003-05:00

WHO ISN'T IN AWE OF MICHAEL PHELPS AT THE MOMENT?! BRAVO!!!!!
One World, One Dream.
Go World.

a summer like this one

2008-08-13T23:04:00.004-05:00

Past summers in this country have been busy. Scheduling around classes, work, conferences and family visits. This is the first summer I have had time to breath and look around me. I've fallen in love with the yellow and greens of this season and I don't want them to go away, although I know the orange and reds of the fall landscape also fill my heart. I wouldn't change a thing about my life, but I am really thankful this summer is slow.. That's my mom in the picture.

Anna

2008-08-09T10:07:00.006-05:00

Friend... We messed up.
We had to go on an Elizabethtown-like adventure before you left this side of the country.
I've found how beautiful and magical this place can be.
I've also found the statue of the Christ, Dinosaur World and now I know where the bridge is... I found that yellow bridge!!!
Maybe you can come back sometime and we can go find things and take photos.
You can put some music and I'll put some more music for the soundtrack of a trip.

I used to rule the world

2008-08-07T20:14:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how we can fall in love with times and things and we can get stuck there. I am excited about life and I want to travel the world. At this point in my life I think I'm meant for something different, though. I believe that my purpose in life right now is to ease the life of others in my family. Please let me know if I'm not fulfilling my purpose like I should be, and help me do it. Thank you God, thank you.

Fun Weekend

2008-08-03T23:47:00.003-05:00

I had a blast this weekend. I spent a lot of time with my mom and it was good. We went to see The Mummy- Tomb of the Dragon Emperor today and she was falling asleep in the theater!!! I enjoyed it very much, thought. I'm a fan of all the Mummy movies :)

Saturday was really good too. We went to the farmer's market and here's my favorite picture of that morning:

It's been HOT everywhere these days... but nice. Summer days are going away! The sun went down at about 8:12 pm yesterday. These days also mark a year since Keren left for home. I'm thinking about her family a lot.

Complete

2008-08-02T00:27:00.004-05:00

The set of photos from my daddy's visit is finally complete. It's on my flickr here (CLICK). I'm happy to have been able to enjoy him for that time and I hope I can see him again soon.

Tomorrow...farmer's market with my mom!

Happy weekend!

Revisando memorias

2008-07-29T23:29:00.004-05:00

While fixing photos, posting them, adding captions, etc.... I'm smiling and finding favorites. I like this photo of my dad. I took it when I was waiting for my freshly squished lemonade. My dad was on the other side of the tent getting fresh Ethiopian coffee while it was about 98 degrees Fahrenheit in downtown Fayetteville during the farmer's market. Look at this picture (click on it and the look at the big size). His funny smile tells me he just realized I was taking his photo. This is the one I took just a moment before.

Changing things up

2008-07-27T21:34:00.002-05:00

I colored my hair this red that looks a little like I'm permanently standing by the sunset light. I love it!!

Summer Imagery

2008-07-25T14:52:00.003-05:00

I felt like I owed my blog some summer photography. For now, this does it. I'll post more as I take more.

Here's a story about a very bad turkey

2008-07-24T18:35:00.003-05:00

My dad left on Tuesday morning for New Mexico where he'll spend a few days with my brother before leaving for El Salvador. Last week, while he was here, we went grocery shopping a few times and the very last time we went he found a turkey that was $10 and he thought it was a very great deal. I actually don't know if it was or not, because I don't usually pay attention to turkeys when I'm in the store... we left the fridge area and a couple of isles down, he said he knew a recipe for the turkey and so we needed to buy it and that it was a very good deal anyways, so I left it up to him and he went and got it. We also got two jars of apricot marmalade that his recipe called for.

So we made the turkey the following night, after a few hours of defrost time.... and it was great! It tasted so good and we had plenty to go around, so we called my uncle and his family on Monday and we had panes con chumpe. Well... after that lunch I got very very sleepy and not just because of the turkey meat, but I think it was all the driving around and here and there of the previous days. So I took a nap. When I woke up from the nap the turkey was gone and until this morning, I realize I never noticed it was gone. Well... that was Monday, so the following morning after taking my dad to the airport I went to back to work... and I did the same yesterday and today.

Yesterday when I came back from work I found this horrible smell in the house. I didn't know what it was or where it was coming from. It was driving me nuts! I washed the dishes, cleaned the restroom, got the dirty laundry out and sprayed lysol (and then perfume) all over the house while I had all the fans on and the A/C... I thought it was just that I left the air very high so it wouldn't turn on during the day, but smell didn't quite go away. So I put some water in the stove with orange skin and cloves (my mom does this after cooking something stinky... like fish, she says it replaces the bad smell). I had a little accident with the clove container thingy so I got about fifteen hundred cloves in the water. I figured if I ever need cloves again I'll have to go find them in the store again. So that worked... for the most part.

This morning when I woke up there was the smell again! I freaked out. Thought there was a mouse or something dead in the vents, but I was running late for work so I had to go. So while I was at work, one of my coworkers gave me the recipe for a cinnamon bread that I made a few days ago and I wanted to make again but had lost the recipe. So while I was thinking of the bread and all the baking I will do later today it came to me!! IT WAS THE TURKEY!!!! IT HAD BEEN IN THE OVEN SINCE MONDAY!!!! I didn't remember washing the thing where we made turkey, and it wasn't in the fridge so it had to be in the oven!!! DAAAANG IT. I had to clean the thing out.

So when I came back to work I turned the oven light on and sure enough there it was... the rotting turkey. I won't go into the details... cause I might throw up again. But I thought I'll write this down. This is something that I won't be forgetting soon.

Oh yeah.. the orange skin and cloves are on the stove. And the lysol is almost empty. And I hadn't clean like this in... I don't remember.

Mi papi y yo

2008-07-20T00:03:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of us by the lake 20-minutes from my house. We had a good time and a good lunch. He was representing Tyson Foods. He likes Arkansas. I like him being here.

Tiempo con mi papi

2008-07-17T23:59:00.002-05:00

My dad has been with me for a couple of days now and we're having a blast. Long talks. Learning, listening, eating--of course, laughing and chillin'.

We went to see the sunset by a lake yesterday and today the full moon caught us talking in the open garage.

There's a few more days left. I am loving it.

Hecha un Huracán

2008-07-10T20:21:00.003-05:00

MIAMI (AFP) — Hurricane Bertha barreled steadily northwest towards the British islands of Bermuda Thursday, and could sweep over them in the next few days, the US National Hurricane Center said."

So... I've gotten several calls, text messages, and emails this week about this hurricane. I guess my friends don't have many friends name Bertha! It's been rather funny. I pray that Bertha doesn't cause any destruction where it passes.

On another note, my dad gets here on Monday and I couldn't be more excited!! I've been talking to him and my lil sis Lidi almost every day since he got here and I just CANNOT WAIT for him to get here! Lidi has been texting me this little lines that brighten my day. The very first one was "he's playing the gitar now... Romance" :)

And all in all, I'm very content at the moment. Last weekend was full of emotions. I went down to Hope, AR to visit the Love family. And I went to see April's grave. I've never seen such beautiful memorial. And I've never been back to visit a friend like that. The whole weekend was a reminder of my girl, every minute I waited for her to just show up. I miss her so much. I caught beautiful sunsets and talks with her mom, dad and her little sister. I could see so much of April in them. I miss you dearly, April. Her life was taken too soon, but it's amazing to see the impact that she's had in others. I went looking for her name on senior walk and didn't find it. I think they still haven't finished 2006, which is when she got the honorary degree. We had a couple of talks about her semi-plans for a 3-year graduation, but right after that last summer she told me she decided to stay for the 4 years. I was so happy that we would graduate together! Rest in Love, Ms. April Love. I will always remember.

2008-07-03T21:58:00.004-05:00

I am so excited!!!!! My dad sounds so happy to be coming to visit us!!! He's a bit sad that he won't see my sister B but I told him she's the one that's missing out. Besides, I think it's better that she moved and that she's not here to see him. Better to have a sweet memory of someone that to encounter a bitter reality that would erase the sweet memory. I'm just sayin'.

Juanca also sounds super excited!!! My old bro.. he turned 26 on Sunday! We are surely getting old.. One day I'll get to a scanner and will post a few picture of times when we were young and cute. Well... we're still cute!!!

I can't wait to see my daddy!!!

I have a very happy announcement

2008-06-29T22:24:00.003-05:00

After six and a half years... I'm going to see my daddy again!!!!!!!!!!!
It's amazing. Here's the story:

I got a call from my brother Juan Carlos this week, I think it was Tuesday. He said my dad was coming, that he had sent him some of the money for the plane ticket and he would send some more the next day to complete the fare price and he would come and hopefully spend about a week in 3 different cities in the States where 3 of the 4 of the kids living in the states are. I couldn't believe it!!! I asking what was going on and if he was sure and what did I need to do and things like that. He said we just have to pay for the plane tickets when he's here, to get him from one place to the other. I started calling Lidia right after I hang up with Juanca and she didn't answer for a bit, so I text her the news. She was more than happy and forgot the time difference between our states and called me later that night. I was half sleep, so I told her we would talk the next day.

Well... that was early in the week. Yesterday, we bought a multi-city ticket for him to spend some time in L.A., here and then in New Mexico with Juanca. Thank God the ticket was about half of what I had seen a few days early when I was looking at flights with some random dates in July.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!

Quiero un racimo de estrellas!!

2008-06-23T20:42:00.004-05:00

Es la cancion de mi verano... Las Flores, Café Tacuba.
No me la puedo sacar de la mente!

Welcome Summer

2008-06-22T11:48:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a very good day. After doing stuff around the house I got my stuff and got to paint in the freshly mowed back yard as the sun set. The wonderful thing about summers here (one of the whole list) is that the sun takes its sweet time when setting. I went out at about 6:30 pm and got a couple of hours of painting. Then I enjoyed the last of the sun laying down on the grass, looking up a tree surrounded by fairy tales and summers. I think I smelled like sunshine after the last ray of sun had touched the highest leave in the tallest tree I could see. And then, out of every corner, fireflies came dancing, close to the ground and by the dozen. It was amazing, the feeling of summer, the dry paint on my hands, the coolness of the ground sending its energy through my back, the few drops of sweat on my forehead... I am in love with this summer.

see this