Good morning Sunday

The day outside my window looks quiet and cool, not cold, just cool. The sunshine is soft and almost unnoticeable... I just found it because I looked for it. I found it.
Last night was long. My brain didn't want to go to sleep and my eyes were too busy looking for shapes in the dark to care for a little rest. My feet longed for fresh air, yes, my feet, not my lungs. I wanted to walk on the wet grass and get my eyes tired with the air coming from-- there.
But I didn't go outside. Too many crazy people in this side of town. I should know, I'm one. I got up and wrote a list of things to do today, of things to find today-- where's that letter I need to return? Where's that box?
The sunshine is still there, by my window. I haven't lost it yet. I want to take a picture, but I'll take it with my mind-- sorry you'll have to imagine, no visual for you today. It's just that my mind is less blurry that the image of that box. The sunshine is almost gone, peering through the natural-looking shades that keep the one out from looking in. It divides the image in litlle lines, as if cut with a small blade and put back together funny.
But I can see the leaves moving, from line to line. It's mostly green, I see. Thought the brown of the shade blends with the brown of the trees and then I realize that it's mostly brown, I see.
My space is too crowded. Do you want to buy some paintings?
Do you want to get some books? How about some old t-shirts. They're great for cleaning brushes, or counter tops.
Beads. A blue sun-moon. Several newspaper clippings, one of the "starbucks nation" article I liked. And one of the selling of St. Andy. I also have canvas... I don't have the frames yet. And I have too many containers, I can't contain my soul.
Last night was a long night.
I walked on the streets of Alajuelita and San Jose, and I was lighter. I drew sunsets and faces and people were buying my art. It was enough to get me some coffee on that famous and very expensive cafe in the corner of that block.
Then I went back to the living room in the A building, third floor. A 31. And the floor was cold. It's because it was tile. Tile is better than carpet... in hot nights. I laid there, and sang.
Then the night was long, and I forgot the rest.

TE NECESITO

ñ

y no se como obtenerte en este teclado.... te "extrano"!!!

JM made me smile

Almost at the end of today

I found out today that the baby of a couple (almost) don't know was born and didn't live. She didn't breathe after birth, and she passed. It's hard, because I don't really know them, I know of them, but leaning of their loss has touched me. Learning of their faith, strength, and openness inspired me and amazed me. Please pray for them.

After work I went to the car shop and left my car there. I hope that when I pick it up I have no more trouble with smoke coming out of it.

Later, while driving to my uncle's house, I saw the most amazing sunset I've seen in a while. It was very orange and isolated. Soft orange in one side and the harsh rays peering out in between some clouds. You see, it was cloudy and it had stormed earlier, so most of the sky was gray. On my way back I saw the moon behind some soft, thin clouds. First, it was gentle and shapeless, then as the night feel under the moon got defined by its reflected light.

And finally, I had to clean up the blog. So it's white now. There was a little bit more of a mess than I like. Maybe I'm compensating my need to organize all that's in my room, but hey... I had to start somewhere.

Please pray for the couple I almost know. And next time you go out, take the camera, you don't want to miss out on photographing an amazing sunset.

Matatero tero tero

...matatero tero la
que mi carro deje de quemarse
YA!

I don't get it... where's all that smoke coming from underneath the hood.
You know, they say every fear hides a wish... well, the wish behind my fear of smoke from my car is a new car.

In April's memory

Today we let white balloons go up to her. We let them get lost in between the clouds and the last of the sunshine and get to our friend, like last year. We gathered in front of the fountain that once heard out laughs and jokes. Friends, brothers and sisters, we stood together and were silent for a moment, and remembered our friend. April lefts us too early, but she didn't leave us alone. She left a group of people that come together from so many walks of life. Today, as the balloons went past the student union facade and went from white to a soft orange from the sun rays that touched them as they rose, we stood together and looked up. We, the group of friends. My group of friends. We came together and lived so much. We cried through the loss of April, and we smiled at the hope to see her again. Through the years the hugs grew tighter and the love grew founder.
April might have left too early, but she brought our group closer. Much closer. It was so good to see my friends. To hug them and remember broken promises of cooking. I loved to see Justin, and John, and Mary, Kasey, Tina, Jose, Roshunna... and all others that came today.
There were many missing, as so many have left town in look for their next degree, or for a job, a better future... I didn't see Shonda, Rosalba, Andy, Gigi, LaTrice... but they were present, because we were present, just like when we're together is as if April is still part of us.
That's what the UA is for me. The place where I found home again. And I found friends again. And where my soul began to heal.

Goodnight. Until the next smile...

de nuevo and again

backlight in black and white
Originally uploaded by begutierrez

I have my camera back. I got it from the repair guys from circuit city. They didn't leave it like new, it still has some problems with the auto focus, but it's better than it was. So I'm back at taking photos.... and in that same note, I found a nice blog/photoblog. It's here: Julia Busca

Midnight thoughts

While on this Friday many of my friends are out and about, while so many others are celebrating in preparation for a football game tomorrow, in this little town, I sit here and want to write. And I'm writing now, because it's been so long since I really wanted this. It's been long. Maybe the last time I just felt like writing was in late April or May, when the school work was heavy and I needed some way of releasing some of the words and thoughts that were coming in to me.

I sit here and I'm grateful I got to see a few of my good friends tonight. And I'm thankful because I was able to step on campus and feel what I was afraid of feeling and survived. Because it can be scary to go back to a place you belonged for so long, but now as a part of something different and foreign. It was like coming home to a place that no longer is. Things felt familiar, the place and the atmosphere felt familiar... but it wasn't for me anymore. My entire group of friends is no longer there and the laughs and name-shouting wasn't there either. But it was fun. Seeing some of those who are still there and hugging them, and catching up.

Something else that's not leaving my mind tonight is that email I got. That's just life, I guess, some you can make happy....some you will never make happy. It's just a little harder to get to that conclusion when is someone so important. And even when I've gotten used to the short sentences, that even when they might be sincere, they feel so fake. And even when I'm past that phase of taking things to personal, taking his words to personal, it still makes me think and go back to re-read and think what was behind those words, and why the sentence wasn't longer, and how much was left unsaid and was disguised by that one short sentence. At least he said he was proud of me, he never says it, or at least I don't remember. Might be that I don't remember because he always taints the moment with something else.

I'm also thinking of things I need to do. And things I would like to not do and the reason's why I don't want to do them, and the reasons why I have to do them. I have to mow the lawn. I'm not finding reasons not to mow the lawn, I'll do that tomorrow. All that thinking is about other things. More important things.

This midnight blogging just started to make me uncomfortable. I wish I was talking instead. To someone who wants to listen... I love late night talks. I don't know why, but I wish I could write more and get everything that's in my head (at this moment) out. I always feel like I never quite finish my thoughts, and that bothers me. I guess I'm better at drawing. Or talking.