One day I'll get the guts to leave

He dicho.

There is something divine in tears

I don't like to cry. I especially don't like others to see me cry. But sometimes tears come out because they must. It's been a challenging week and I've cried several times. I've managed to not let any tears show, so no one has asked me what's wrong or why are my eyes so little. Yesterday was the worst... I wasn't sure I'd finish the day at the office, but I did. Today wasn't much better, but I got to leave early so I had more time to recoup. The moonrise was beautiful. The full moon reminds me of my sis L since October when I was there and we watched my last sunset over sea, which was magically followed by the full moon rising. She was so happy, so full of the moon's energy. She even told me I could keep the sun, that the moon was her girl. So this evening at dusk, when the moon was rising I had to pull over and take a photo and send it to her. She did the same, 2 hrs later, when the moon was rising on her time zone.

Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.

Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.

Sublime selfportrait session

I just got done with my selfportrait session of today (it's the 8th of the month, so it's selfportrait day). I am tired, but feeling great! I put up a few pieces of paper on the big painting in the living room and did some quick charcoal drawings, then used some black and red paint. During the drawing session I had the camera behind me shooting. I put on some makeup... It kinda ended up looking like I just rubbed some charcoal around my eyes, though. I'm not so good at the makeup thing.

I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.

I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.

The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."

Freezing temperatures go hand in hand with foul language

It's freezing outside. It's actually colder than freezing. I had never seen the temperature drop below 9 degrees F but it happened just a couple of days ago. How was it that it got to -2 degrees F? Most interestingly, how was it that I ended up here? But most importantly, why the hell am I still here? The quick answer to that last questios is "because I've been snowed in for a few days and I can't get on the road." The more elaborate answer doesn't belong to a public post here.

I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.

I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.

I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.

Greetings from the land of decompression

My weekend in just a few words: Relajo caliente, m'kay.
Like Rachel told me, "Everything in moderation, including moderation."

It was a truckload of sunshine

Is it too early to call it a week?

It's been a busy week. Last time I had a crazy week like this one was the week before shipping my paintings to Indiana for the HHM exhibit... and the week in October before leaving for California. But this week, oh, it's been crazy.

Work- busy. After work- busy. No time to stand still and just breathe. And I need that. I'm about to just drop to the ground and look up at the sky. WAIT! That reminds me-- I did that yesterday. When I was leaving Darby and Stephen's place I looked up the night sky and stood for a while. There seemed to be more stars filling the sky than usual. It helped that it wasn't so cold, so I could enjoy the moment.

It has also been a wonderful week. Every moment is a blessing, like a golden sunshine, each moment is unique. I've gotten so many hugs, compliments, handshakes, and met so many new friends this week. Good-byes and hellos. Life is a whole bunch of hellos and good-byes.

It's not time to call it a week yet. I have some more office work to finish and then some more hanging out and errands to run this afternoon. This weekend will be mine, though. All mine. Sit, breathe... and some yoga for this sister.

Wave by wave

It's been a cold Friday, ice all around. We're one full month into Winter and I'm enjoying the lovely days as they get longer, filled with lovely sunshine.

After lunch with my madre at Little India, we went to la tienda next door and grabbed some things. I bought lentils and I plan to cook another great curry for lunches next week. I'm finding less and less flavor in meat and exploring the great flavaaas in veggies. A couple of days ago there was an interesting conversation with a couple of friends, about their most favorite food. SMC loves peanut butter; Dar loves nutella, peanut butter and almond butter; I didn't hear what Ironside's fave food is, but I'm pretty sure is something super spicy like chile tapatio. Me? I couldn't name one thing that drives me crazy like that (actually, my response was "sunsets" but that's when someone clarified we were talking about food). I've thought about it a lot after that night, and I still don't have one thing that I love most, food-wise. I love it all and I appreciate and welcome new flavors.

I've been sore today, from my yoga session last night. Since the sore body can only mean that I am doing things right (and that I shouldn't let many days go by before the next session) I took my 53 minutes today for another yoga session. Beautiful. Bien rico se siente al mantener una postura y sentir como lso musculos van agradeciendo y poniendose calientitos. And now I'm still sore, pero que rico se siente! There are some postures I haven't mastered yet, like the Silver Surfer. But like I told SMC, it's little by little, wave by wave. I'm going to be a tsunami before long, with discipline and smiles.

I'm getting in shape, because I want to learn how to surf. Standing on a wave, I cannot imagine anything better. Well, I can: Standing on a wave at sunset. SHOUT!

Life is beautiful. I'm so in love with it right now.

Random thoughts on a snow day

I woke up to snow on the ground and more falling from the sky. Really cold. Wet. Frozen. After looking out the window it was clear that I wouldn't be driving anywhere. That, up here, it's called a snow day.

The day went easy and the sun came out in the afternoon. I was SO thankful, so so thankful that I even went out to get the mail wearing flip flops and no jacket (celebrating the sun-- quickly, cause it was cold). As I got to the mailbox, the UPS truck pulled over and I started laughing. I said "I came at the right time," and the UPS guy was laughing too; he said "now, I just need to get the rest of my deliveries to do the same!" But now I don't know if he was so happy because of my perfect timing or because he was amused to see me walking on the snow with flip flops and rolled up pants!

There was also a moment in the day when my mom told me, out of the blue "yo no sé que idea vas a tener, pero vas a tener una gran idea y vas a tener dinero." That got me down. Something so inspiring shouldn't get me down, right?! But I feel so fucking trapped.. I didn't even respond, just painfully dismissed the comment.

I'm trying to clear spaces out. So much trash accumulated. So much. I wanted to play music all day long, but my mom seems to be allergic to my music.. always turning it down or shutting it off completely.

It was a great day. Highlights were the happy UPS moment, LOTS of inspiration and reading online, talking to Regi and remembering a couple of fun moments in El Salvador (Sandris "Por el amor de Jesus! No hemos venido a pelear, hemos venido a jugar y divertironos" a media cancha!) Oh lordy... Blessed be.

I also did my Michael Franti yoga and it was awesome. As I was wrapping up the session, I noticed the moon rising next to me through the window. Beautiful. And I felt beautiful, just as bright as the sister in the sky.