Have I failed misserably? Yes. But that's in the past.

I have been my worst enemy in the last two months. I've excused my overspending and my lack of exercise on the fact that I've been celebrating my birthday. That's right, for two months. I count it all as a failure because I know better. I can be disciplined and I can say no, I just have chosen not to do shit to better myself.

Good news? I'm alive and that means I can turn it all around at this very moment. I didn't shoot myself on the foot. Because I've been grounded for so long I was able to cover my own ass with my savings. That's on the budget part, but on the lifestyle part I'm paying the price. Because I've chosen to go out to eat every time a friend asks me to, and I've stopped for fast food a couple of times (it's nasty, but I still ate it!), and I've chosen not to exercise and make up excuses for myself. What's been the price? Ten freaking pounds. Ridiculous? YES. It takes me a long time and a lot of work to lose that weight, but it's so easy to put back on. NO MORE, BITCH. I'm turning this train around right meow!

At the beginning of this year I set a weight goal for June 3rd. That goal is not very attainable at this point, but I will shoot for it and I will not disappoint myself if I don't reach it, as long as I get halfway there. If I can lose the 10lbs I've put on, I'll be happy because I'll be on my way. What does this mean? It means I have to make the right choices (which I am well informed on) when I go grocery shopping. It also means I will not eat out. That will not only help me on weight loss, but also to get a hold of my finances again. The hardest part is saying no to friends... or trying to change the way we socialize. Hanging out will no longer mean going out for dinner, lunch, or an expensive 16oz cup of flavored coffee. No, no mo' my friend! How about we hit the trail, go for a hike, go to the park, paint, or make dinner at home? We can all use a little more practice in the kitchen, anyway.

This post is my way to redefine my priorities. Revisit my resolutions for the year and take control of my life again, before I get the feeling it's all lost.

BLISSipline is what it's all about! And it starts right now (well, it actually started out on Tuesday, but you get my point.)

Here's something I read yesterday and stuck with me:
"For a quality life: Drink water. Brush your teeth and smile. Stretch, stay limber and breathe deep. Love at least one person, if not the whole world. Have fun."

Lidi

Earlier this week, I had a random mid-day conversation with my sister Lidi. We talked about dreams. She started the conversation, I didn't even tell her about any of my dreams in detail, just mentioned I had also been having crazy dreams. She talked about lucid dreaming. She found a book about it at the Bodhi Tree book shop in L.A. She got the book for the same reason I excuse so many things about myself, because it reminded her of dad.
Lidi tells the best stories. She makes me laugh like no one else. I just never know what will be the next thing to come out of her, and that keeps me interested. She went on about how she didn't finish the book, yet started to have crazy dreams and she wasn't able to take full control. I lost it and laughed when she said "so, my dumb ass..." I love her. And yesterday I woke up to a text message from her. It made my whole day.

"I just spent about 3 hours w Jason talkin carburrows about life dreams the moon and aliens. it was very nice. Thought of you. Love you"

The dreams about that apartment in La Col. Libertad continue

I'm still on my vivid-dream cycle. And this morning I woke up two different times, to two dreams. I don't remember the first one, because I went back to sleep after I moved my face from the ray of sunshine hitting my eyes. But the second time I woke up, I was in my old apartment in San Salvador. There was a sea of rain water and fog that came up to that third level of the building. It covered the streets and everything around the building, and the fog made everything colorless. That was the view from the north side of the apt, from my sister's old room. Then I walked over to my room and it was empty, saved for the bed. I asked where my things were and my mom said she'd gotten rid of them. I didn't go in, but I looked at that room for a long time. And I got cold. And I felt the cold.

I've been feeling my dreams. They're going from just being vivid (like my usual cycles) to feeling real. The other morning I felt a kiss on my cheek and woke up to it. This morning I felt the cold and the water outside that window. These dreams are not much related, but they're getting more intense. I almost want to look for an expert's opinion. Almost.

Stronger, more distant

I want to remember that today I got to hang out with one of my best friends and my favorite hippie. He said he noticed I've changed, that I seem stronger and more distant. And we talked about happenings in both of our lives, in the time we've been apart. It's good to know our friendship is not only surviving, but growing and strengthening through the time and distance. I think he figured I wasn't more distant, just that I really don't like video games. But he stood by the idea of my presence being stronger.

I want to remember him today. And how we went into that store and smelled all the incense, and how we came to the one named "summer afternoon" and had the same reaction to it, as in "not too bad." I want to remember that moment, because we both laughed so much afterward. I want to remember his Aladdin pants and his bare feet, keeping Fayetteville funky. His crazy hair after his nap, Dragonball Z style. And how he set up his alarm at the exact time he knew I'd get there, instead of the time I told him I'd get there. And how, again, someone asked how we met... I wonder why people ask so much. And I want to remember the comments I made about his new art piece he got for this future place in Seattle, "this piece right here, it's not very organic." "Just like Seattle," he replied. I want to remember that, because I don't think he will. SMC.

I told a friend of mine about a vivid dream I had about a spiritual leader

"...and everyone was sitting down on pillows except for me, I was in some sort of bed and when *he* came, he waved at me and I fainted. And it was so weird because as I write this I can feel it again.. in slow motion, exactly like it felt in the dream. It feels like when you're really tired and hit the bed and you don't even want to move to get in a more comfortable possition, you're just happy that you made it to the bed. Well, those nano-seconds when your body hits the bed, that's how that fainting felt like. And then I got back up and he was talking, it was some sort of lecture. But then we went on another room and he was telling me things would be OK and he was telling me exactly how things would work out. It was really specific. As if he was telling me a story he had already seen. I can't remember the details, but I do remember it was very detailed. The room where we were was low light and there was an orange glow all over."

Memories of red tile

I woke up this morning in between realities. I go through dream cycles in the month and I'm on the vivid-dream cycle now. I went back to a bathroom with red painted tile, on the third floor of an apartment building I left long ago. I woke up in between realities. The sound of the cool breeze on the other side of the window reminded me of that third floor, but I the wind was trapped on the outside. Trapped on the outside, looking in, to a confused heart.

The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.

I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.

That photo I didn't take, of view from the window seat of the flight I did take

We had planned to get up early and have breakfast, possibly a big-ass omelette, before my sister had to drop me off at LAX for my flight back to XNA. After 20 days in the City of Angels, sunsets by the oceans, and lots of questioning my reasons to come back, I was still taking that flight early Sunday. My bags were packet and heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.

My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.

We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.

I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.

I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.

A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.

"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."

Happiness

I am so happy. Today has been a great day all around. A great day with great set backs, barriers, a little headache, a little worry, and yet full of bright spots after every few steps. After leaving work a little after my usual Thursday time, I came home to find Mocha was missing. These little kitties I've taking in while we get them a permanent home are shaking my world. Mocha is mama cat. I got her and her two little kittens "fixed" yesterday. So they were not supposed to go out at all, but Mocha escaped. Who knows how long she's lived out in the streets, of course she misses it. But I was so mad and worried about her recent surgery that I just went out looking for her. I found her and tricked her to come to me and got her in the house. You see? Downs and ups. And that's how my day at the office was too.

I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.

The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.

The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.

The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.

I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.