Step One

I've been having headaches lately. I know it's because of all the weight I've put on in the last 18 months (after disregarding my health and diet). It was a dumbass move.

I don't want to die and look back to see that I always regretted the way I look without doing anything to fix things. So this is me. Fixing things. I'm going to start slow. Adding activity every day. I'm too tired and bothered with this headache to even finish this post.

Discipline. I know I have it in me.

Sleep depravation

The worst of its kind. I probably just got about 1.5 hrs total of "sleep" last night. The last month has been a roller coaster. From happy highs to the dark falls. Not sure it's time to open extra doors to my heart, after other doors just hit me in the face.

Still invisible.

Summer Love

I want to lay down on the grass with you. Stare at the sky, day or night.
Feel the summer night breeze.
I want us to have a small table. We'll use it to cook together.
I want to sit down for dinner and see you across the tiny table.
Let's laugh together.
Let's make popsicles and plan road trips.
Let's not worry about things. Things are not important.
We can walk around the park and have a picnic.
You can hold my hand, Love, as the fireflies rise from the ground to the summer sky.
I want to lay down on the grass with you. Stare at the sky, day or night.

The child of my mother

I'm a child of the moon. My mother told me about the beautiful moon she saw the night before I was born, it was waning and bright. So bright that she thought the sun was still out. She said that's maybe why I like the moon so much, because she welcomed me home.

I'm a child of the sun. My father taught me to visualize its light and send it to those I love, make the light shine from my heart to theirs. He taught me to greet the sun as it rose and as it died down with the day.

I'm a child of the ocean. My parents took me there to heal the wounds left from a foot surgery. Black night, black sand, black saltwater down my future scars, healing them and me.

I'm a child of the moon and the sun. I'm the child of my mother. I'm the child of my father.

http://cowbird.com/author/begutierrez/#!/27431

Hear the waves breaking

These waves breaking are 1572 miles away, seven weeks ago. I spent that Wednesday around Malibu Lagoon with my sister and a new friend, who taught me to watch for good waves.

The three of us are dreamers. The three of us are artists in different ways. We paint, we draw, we photograph, we stand on waves, we design, we see the colors in extra-vivid shades, we break and glue our souls back together.

There were stories in between waves. There was laughter... that was my favorite part.

He told us about the penguin he ordered on a website when he was little. The penguin that never came. "They said they were tropical penguins," he said between laughs, "but it never came!"

In life, sometimes not being OK is OK. What matters is who's next to you during those not OK times. 

http://cowbird.com/author/begutierrez/#!/26480

After seeing one of my paintings for the first time

I loved this conversation. Starting with what might be one of the best compliments a guy has ever given me:

SA: You've got big talent. He has no idea what he's getting into with you.
B: He doesn't! He doesn't know anything about me... He just knows I'm cute!
SA: But everyone knows that... That is a fact!

Memory marks

Some of my loved ones think of me when they see a beautiful sunset,
Some think of me when they see a postcard,
Others smile when they see Frida Kahlo and remember my deep appreciation,
There are some that see the waves and they call me to say hi.

It makes me happy. To think I can be present in the lives of those I love, without being there all the time.

Really nice compliments I've received this month

"You've got a good head on your shoulders"

"You're a good daughter"

"Hanging out with you has made me change my attitude"