Wednesday, March 16, 2011

That photo I didn't take, of view from the window seat of the flight I did take

We had planned to get up early and have breakfast, possibly a big-ass omelette, before my sister had to drop me off at LAX for my flight back to XNA. After 20 days in the City of Angels, sunsets by the oceans, and lots of questioning my reasons to come back, I was still taking that flight early Sunday. My bags were packet and heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.

My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.

We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.

I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.

I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.

A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.

"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."

Thursday, March 03, 2011


I am so happy. Today has been a great day all around. A great day with great set backs, barriers, a little headache, a little worry, and yet full of bright spots after every few steps. After leaving work a little after my usual Thursday time, I came home to find Mocha was missing. These little kitties I've taking in while we get them a permanent home are shaking my world. Mocha is mama cat. I got her and her two little kittens "fixed" yesterday. So they were not supposed to go out at all, but Mocha escaped. Who knows how long she's lived out in the streets, of course she misses it. But I was so mad and worried about her recent surgery that I just went out looking for her. I found her and tricked her to come to me and got her in the house. You see? Downs and ups. And that's how my day at the office was too.

I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.

The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.

The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.

The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.

I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.