Saturday, April 29, 2006

On my wall...

Tyler Goldammer wrote at 1:48pm

Hola Chica!!!!

I thought the message I got from Tyler looked great with the picture he currently has. Oh, friends.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

"I want time"

There are so many things I want to write about at this very moment. I want to say how happy I am that the semester-long group project that drove me and my team to profanity is finally over, and I want to say how much I enjoyed working with my team and how great I think each one of those individuals are.
I want to tell you about the time I've been taking to think about the things I care about and how much better I feel. I want to tell you how I will step down from leadership positions that, even though they mean the world to me, did not help me develop into a greater someone. I want to tell you how much I believe stepping down from those positions will benefit me and how much I look forward to enjoying my time in the organizations I've chosen to stay involved with.
I want to tell you how much I loved to go into the painting studio last Sunday and how I realized I missed the sights and the smell of oil paints. I want it all again, and I can't wait to be back in the studio in the Fall semester. I want to show you how much I smile when I see the guy I like. I want you to see me sitting down on the grass outside the Student Union enjoying the sun and talking to friends... I did that today. It was good for my soul.
I want to go into detail on how my friend Brandy got me a summer exhibit in the AK gallery at school. And I want you to see me painting like crazy (which will happen in the next week) loving it... Every minute of it.
I want you to see me driving around in my old car with the windows down. My hair goes everywhere because it's getting long again.
I want you to read my Spiritual Autobiography, the one I'm writing for my Essay Writing class... The one that got tears out of me while writing it. The one I need to finish, because I only have a draft of it right now.
I want to tell you how I want time with him. I want time. I want to talk to him for hours, until no questions are needed for me to listen to what he has to say.
And I want to play in the swing outside the arts building. I want someone to take pictures while that happens. I want to take pictures of the Peace Fountain at night, when I can climb on it without anyone telling me not to.

I really would have liked for you to sit with me outside the Student Union today. I got to talk to many friends, and I got to feel the warm sun rays on my skin... I got to spend time living every second that life has to offer.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Un cafecito

I feel so much better now.
I was pissy all day long, I had accumulated a lot of things and felt like I was about to explode. It was everything and anything, and it just kept getting worse with crap happening throughout the day.
Thanks to my friend Sandy who bought me some coffee and took the time to talk to me (but mostly listen) for almost two hours tonight, I was able to release a lot of the things I had inside. I was just feeling awful; I could feel the anger in me... and that made me even more angry. I'm better now... I just need to get it together and take time to be me again.
I have tons of things to do for this week. Finals are coming up next week and so I have to study a lot. I'm taking two classes in the Summer, one in each session so I won't have much of a break. Things should slow down quite a bit, though.
My mural project will be the FIRST thing I do after I get done with finals. I miss painting...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

By Claude Cahun

"I am still waiting for some remarkable circumstance to strike me, by which to evaluate various encounters whose greater or lesser importance and meaning I see more or less clearly.

The only encounter that has played a capital role in my life until now took place before I was born. Doubtless I'd never think of such an obvious and common fact, of which I can only make a rhetorical use, if, as long as I can remember, I hadn't had the familiar irritating feeling that my fate is playing itself out for the most part outside of me, and almost without my knowing it."
I'm writing my spiritual autobiography for my essay writing class (I must say, that is one of the best classes I've taken at the UA outside the art department!). I'm using Cahun's writing and Frida Kahlo's "Portrait of my Father" for parts of my essay. I'm excited trying to finish up the draft. It's good, and in a way, liberating. I'm also munching on Hot Cheetos while I write; my fingers are starting to turn red.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

A retreat

The LEAD Retreat was awesome. The Lasana's workshops were great and very very helpful. The retreat was in Mt. Sequoya and that brought back memories of the Multicultural Retreat in Spring 2004, the start of Diversity Alliance, and April Love. I stood in front of the cabin were we all stayed two years ago and it came to mind the things we talked about... growing together in friendship and hope for a better life.

Yesterday I went to see the sunset from the spot were the cross is in Mt. Sequoya. It was beautiful and, as always, it was too short for me. I took some photos and came to the conclusion that no image will ever give me the exact colors and the feeling of just standing alone watching the day die.

After that we met in small groups and talked. The discussions were great and I think they helped every one of us in the group. Then we saw the movie Crash (watch it if you haven't yet). But before that I saw the piano in the living room of the building we stayed in and I decided to sit and give the white keys a try. It was nice. I couldn't get everything Derrick taught me last time, but I did ok considering it's been over 3 weeks. Tejal took a picture of me in the intent.

Everyone was great. I got some nice shots... April should have been there, she should be here.

I had a good time. I'm hoping (and will work on) the Diversity Alliance increase of membership. All the founders are greaduating in 2007, and we cannot let the DA disolve once we're gone. It has to grow strong... it's our legacy.

pictures of the sunset will come on the photoblog.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

What some dreams may come: ART

There is a reocurring dream I used to have when I was a kid. I have a hard time articulating it.
I've tried many times to put it down on paper as a drawing or a painting but I never finished any of the intents. Now I'm taking on that dream to solve my final project for 3D Design.

I talked to my professor and ended up deciding that the only real solution would be a life-size installation.

SO... I'm taking on that. I'll build the frame, the covers, I'll make the thorns for one side and the emptiness for the other side.

I'll be a challenge, but so is the dream. I'll tell it when the time comes. I'll have pictures of the installation too.

I'm exausted. Tomorrow will be good but busy: work, scholarship ceremony, meeting, LEAD retreat... which reminds me... I need to pack my stuff!

I gave a presentation today on my spirituality and I think it went very well. This is something I said "I believe in quiet time. I believe in smiling. I believe in crazy moments, because sometimes we need liberation from things or circumstances... such this semester, I've been really busy and stressed out, so I went and got a nose piercing yesterday..." The class cracked up. It was good.

Note to a friend

Bertha "B" Gutierrez wrote at 12:09 am April 20th, 2006
Maybe if I go to a quiet place to see a sunset or a star you'd come and say hello, like you did in New Orleans. You were good at catching me on my quiet times :)

Sunday, April 16, 2006

In between moods

Right now, at this very moment I think I'm in between moods. I'm getting a headache, a migraine headache. I get like this when a headache is about to start. I never know what to do, say, think, or where to go. I usually stand still... but it never works.

I haven't been doing so good lately. I have been so busy that I haven't had time to paint or really do anything fun. It has slowed down a bit, though. The freakin to-do list finally shortened.

I have to go to school for an Alpha Phi Omega mtg and then I need to write two articles... one is for the Traveler. I told Jose I'd cover the International Banquet and so I need to pick a couple of photos from the ones I took last night and write a story about it for the paper. I forgot to ask him how many words he was expecting...

Oh my head.

[at 9:38 pm] I'm sitting in the computer lab in the library at school. It's hot. I think we skipped Spring this year because it almost feels like Summer outside. This is what we get for not caring about Global Warming!!!

I just left my Alpha Phi Omega meeting. We were having elections but I had to get out of there because I have to do a lot tonight. I have to write the article for the Traveler (that's slowly coming out me) and do the handout for one of my presentations. I have so much trouble when I have to write an academic paper. I hate it because I can sit in a chair forever with the computer or a notebook in front of me, trying to start writing but nothing ever comes out easily. I usually write a lot of poetry during those occasions... or I get some pretty good ideas on paintings or drawings. OR I write in this freakin blog :)

I'm SO good at creative writing, though. And I don't mean the stuff I write is good, I mean it comes out naturally and it's easy and fun for me. That's why I've enjoyed my essay writing class this semester so much.

Oh, it's HOT here. And I have to get back to reporting the exciting news to my campus community. I also took the pictures at the banquet and they didn't turn out good. The lighting was AWFUL and I guess my camera is not the greatest ever... I do love it, but I realize that there are other models I would rather have. It would be a Canon, though. I love Canon cameras.

And I love how here in the U.S. the word "love" is used so carelessly. I mean... here, you can love ice cream.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tick-tock inside...

I have the feeling that this time is not just me and my big imagination...

I'm working on my essay on New Orleans and the Katrina disaster. I'm looking over my notes from the trip when I get a call from a friend... familiar voices makes me smile. He said we need to get together for some piano lessons. I hate it that my nights of Thursday and Friday are booked... you know, I'd like to play the piano again and feel what I felt the first time I intended to play.

On a different note (or a different someone), he keeps coming closer and closer each day. It's not my imagination. We'll see.

AND... I haven't stopped for weeks now. This is how I feel, in the words of a song by Plumb:
"I'm sick, I'm tired
I can't sleep 'cause I'm so wired
I don't know if I can take this
I don't know how to love you

Tick tock inside
Tossing, turning, I feel blind
Sun is up, the rain pours in
Another day of no end

Grab it, kick it, smash it
Love it, loathe it, yeah, yeah
Hold it, throw it, crave it
Searching for my solace

Tiptoe, bend, break
Cold night air, I start to shake
My eye's red, my tongue is dry
These long nights are never kind"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

You are beautiful.

This is my contribution for this week. It can be found in the UA art building.

The project >> You are beautiful.
The group pool >> You Are Beautiful pool

Saturday, April 08, 2006

My ring might be gone, but my friend will always be here

A couple of weeks ago someone broke into the house and stole some of my things. That's all he took, my things. Weird. I lost my jumpdrives with ALL my art projects in them. That made me cry. He also stole my jewelry box; and although I didn't have much on it, what was there was priceless. I had my necklace with the star of david pendant on it, the one my dad gave me some time ago; and I also had my half heart ring, the one that completes the one Pauli (my best friend) has with her in El Salvador (I got that pair of rings in Coyoacan when I went in 2001).

I was sad that my things got taken away from me, but I'm very thankful because I have the memories behind those things. They reminded me, but the real value is in the memories behind them.

I talked with Pauli today and it was very good for me. I miss her so much.
En la distancia, pero cerca. And I just remembered I had this picture.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


Rescue me from myself... please.

I want to hit the pause button

I've been busy for the past month. I don't think I've gotten any real rest since two weeks before leaving for DC. I'm not feeling so well right now.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Ha ha ha

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about how the list of things to do never seems to get any shorter, but rather longer everyday. I said "that's just life, days seem to get shorter." He laughed and said that I crack him up.
I don't know why, but I get that a lot. I wasn't even trying to be funny, and now that I write it down it doesn't sound funny at all. Maybe is my voice. Or my accent. Or my face. I wish I knew...

There are a lot of things I need to change. I'm reading Maximize the Moment (see currently- reading list on right hand column) and it's refreshing my thoughts. It's a good book. But also, I've just been thinking about my ways and I just don't think I'm getting all that I could be getting out of life. You know... I'm not sucking all the marrow out of life... carpe diem... seize the day... And it's mostly because I don't administer my time wisely. I need to get refreshed. Some piano lessons wouldn't hurt.

Because... if I were to leave this world tomorrow... I wouldn't think I did what I had to do.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Saturday morning... breathe easy.

Good morning. I'm so glad it's Saturday morning and that I'm aware of it. I don't remember living the past three Saturdays of my life. Three Saturdays ago I was leaving for D.C., two Saturdays ago I was leaving for New Orleans (and I remember telling Neal not to use up my anytime minutes-- he looked at me crazy and said "today is Saturday!"), and last Saturday I was leaving New Orleans to come back here. I know what happened. Because I can go back and look at my planner and make sense of the dates and times that I know I spend in each city, but I just don't remember the days feeling like the usually do.

It's been nice coming and going, not really being aware of time or worring about what's due tomorrow. It was nice only thinking about the places where I was and what was there to do. It's been good.

So that's why when this week began I was just confused. Time went by so fast. I had to get caught up on assignments and reading. I finished my two projects for my art classes, the piramide for 3D Design and the poster for Graphic Design. I was happy with both. The piramide took SO much time to make and a lot of blood. I had to cut glass to make it, and so, in the process I cut myself many times. My fingers are starting to get better now. I finished the piramide at about 2 am on Wednesday, and then I went home. For the poster, I just didn't know what I'd do. The plan was to get the perfect photo while I was in New Orleans, but I just wasn't expecting what I saw. I thought I'd see more people. But the city was very lonely. For the poster I ended up collaging two images. It looks good. It entered a competition so I can't show it here now. I'll put it up later on.

For this coming week I have to write two papers and two essays for some scholarship applications. So let's get typing. I also have to get another assignment done for Graphic Design, and I need to buy materials for my 3D class.

Such is life.

I'm also very broke right now. That's what happens when you don't work but a couple of hours in two weeks. I'd do it all over again, though.

Thank YOU.