Sunday, September 30, 2007
Last night was long. My brain didn't want to go to sleep and my eyes were too busy looking for shapes in the dark to care for a little rest. My feet longed for fresh air, yes, my feet, not my lungs. I wanted to walk on the wet grass and get my eyes tired with the air coming from-- there.
But I didn't go outside. Too many crazy people in this side of town. I should know, I'm one. I got up and wrote a list of things to do today, of things to find today-- where's that letter I need to return? Where's that box?
The sunshine is still there, by my window. I haven't lost it yet. I want to take a picture, but I'll take it with my mind-- sorry you'll have to imagine, no visual for you today. It's just that my mind is less blurry that the image of that box. The sunshine is almost gone, peering through the natural-looking shades that keep the one out from looking in. It divides the image in litlle lines, as if cut with a small blade and put back together funny.
But I can see the leaves moving, from line to line. It's mostly green, I see. Thought the brown of the shade blends with the brown of the trees and then I realize that it's mostly brown, I see.
My space is too crowded. Do you want to buy some paintings?
Do you want to get some books? How about some old t-shirts. They're great for cleaning brushes, or counter tops.
Beads. A blue sun-moon. Several newspaper clippings, one of the "starbucks nation" article I liked. And one of the selling of St. Andy. I also have canvas... I don't have the frames yet. And I have too many containers, I can't contain my soul.
Last night was a long night.
I walked on the streets of Alajuelita and San Jose, and I was lighter. I drew sunsets and faces and people were buying my art. It was enough to get me some coffee on that famous and very expensive cafe in the corner of that block.
Then I went back to the living room in the A building, third floor. A 31. And the floor was cold. It's because it was tile. Tile is better than carpet... in hot nights. I laid there, and sang.
Then the night was long, and I forgot the rest.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
After work I went to the car shop and left my car there. I hope that when I pick it up I have no more trouble with smoke coming out of it.
Later, while driving to my uncle's house, I saw the most amazing sunset I've seen in a while. It was very orange and isolated. Soft orange in one side and the harsh rays peering out in between some clouds. You see, it was cloudy and it had stormed earlier, so most of the sky was gray. On my way back I saw the moon behind some soft, thin clouds. First, it was gentle and shapeless, then as the night feel under the moon got defined by its reflected light.
And finally, I had to clean up the blog. So it's white now. There was a little bit more of a mess than I like. Maybe I'm compensating my need to organize all that's in my room, but hey... I had to start somewhere.
Please pray for the couple I almost know. And next time you go out, take the camera, you don't want to miss out on photographing an amazing sunset.
Monday, September 24, 2007
April might have left too early, but she brought our group closer. Much closer. It was so good to see my friends. To hug them and remember broken promises of cooking. I loved to see Justin, and John, and Mary, Kasey, Tina, Jose, Roshunna... and all others that came today.
There were many missing, as so many have left town in look for their next degree, or for a job, a better future... I didn't see Shonda, Rosalba, Andy, Gigi, LaTrice... but they were present, because we were present, just like when we're together is as if April is still part of us.
That's what the UA is for me. The place where I found home again. And I found friends again. And where my soul began to heal.
Goodnight. Until the next smile...
Sunday, September 23, 2007
backlight in black and white
Originally uploaded by begutierrez
I have my camera back. I got it from the repair guys from circuit city. They didn't leave it like new, it still has some problems with the auto focus, but it's better than it was. So I'm back at taking photos.... and in that same note, I found a nice blog/photoblog. It's here: Julia Busca
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I sit here and I'm grateful I got to see a few of my good friends tonight. And I'm thankful because I was able to step on campus and feel what I was afraid of feeling and survived. Because it can be scary to go back to a place you belonged for so long, but now as a part of something different and foreign. It was like coming home to a place that no longer is. Things felt familiar, the place and the atmosphere felt familiar... but it wasn't for me anymore. My entire group of friends is no longer there and the laughs and name-shouting wasn't there either. But it was fun. Seeing some of those who are still there and hugging them, and catching up.
Something else that's not leaving my mind tonight is that email I got. That's just life, I guess, some you can make happy....some you will never make happy. It's just a little harder to get to that conclusion when is someone so important. And even when I've gotten used to the short sentences, that even when they might be sincere, they feel so fake. And even when I'm past that phase of taking things to personal, taking his words to personal, it still makes me think and go back to re-read and think what was behind those words, and why the sentence wasn't longer, and how much was left unsaid and was disguised by that one short sentence. At least he said he was proud of me, he never says it, or at least I don't remember. Might be that I don't remember because he always taints the moment with something else.
I'm also thinking of things I need to do. And things I would like to not do and the reason's why I don't want to do them, and the reasons why I have to do them. I have to mow the lawn. I'm not finding reasons not to mow the lawn, I'll do that tomorrow. All that thinking is about other things. More important things.
This midnight blogging just started to make me uncomfortable. I wish I was talking instead. To someone who wants to listen... I love late night talks. I don't know why, but I wish I could write more and get everything that's in my head (at this moment) out. I always feel like I never quite finish my thoughts, and that bothers me. I guess I'm better at drawing. Or talking.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I'm trying to organize them before saying a word.
In the meantime I work...
and forget how to spell
the pronunciation of my middle name
as if should be any different
from the name itself
I better get back to work
before I forget how to spell
"wake up at 6 in the morning"
I ramble when I have nothing to say,
or when I have too much to say
and don't know how to say it.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I've been thinking a lot about the case of Andrew Meyer, the University of Florida journalism student who got arrested and tasered by police a couple of days ago during the question/answer part of a lecture by senator John Kerry.
See? I don't care what he was asking, or how long he had been in front of the microphone talking, the police officers had no business arresting him...let alone using a taser on the student. What they did was abuse of power.Negligence even. But something else that disgusted me, maybe even more, was the fact that no one else in that auditorium did anything about the situation. I don't know how many students were there, but man, were they cowards. I don't know if it's this generation, or the culture, but college students in this country tend to let others "deal with their own problems"... which is, by my standards, bullshit. How did we come to be spectators? The only thing missing was a glass case that separated the audience in that auditorium and what was happening with Mr. Meyer and the police officers. I wonder if the officer who used the taser would have thought about it before using it if only the others in that room (including Senator Kerry... who had a microphone in front of him) had said something
I am also disgusted by the reaction of the university. They have let the matter go into an outside investigation of the case. HA, of course. It reminds me the time two black students that were volunteering under my somewhat leadership during the collection of donations for hurricane Katrina survivors in the fall of 2005 outside the Razorback stadium, and got taken into custody by a UAPD officer because the officer thought they were stealing the donations. They happened to be the only two black volunteers with no volunteer bracelets (there were about 5 other volunteers with no bracelets, but of course, they wouldn't be stealing, right?!). Oh, I got in the middle of that one. I took it to the VP of student affairs and what did she do? Put the matter under investigation, of course. So I've learn what that means, it means NOTHING will be done. Which is, again, by my standards, bullshit. Those who have the power don't use it.
I've heard and read all over the place that Mr. Meyer was not most loved student at that university. But it doesn't matter how big of a jerk someone is, what happen to him was unacceptable, and if you dig a little deeper (which I haven't done, so this I'm just saying) a violation of his civil rights. I'll be watching this case, and waiting for something to be done about it.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
No tengo nada que decir.
Y cuando esto pasa, digo cualquier cosa. No he aprendido a quedarme callada y pensar. No he aprendido a dominar los pensamientos que corren libres en mi mente.
Por eso, a veces, escribo disparates.
Y me voy.
Para que no te quedes vos.
Monday, September 17, 2007
stuck on this land
I can't move with all the freedom of my heart....
I keep finding things that stop me and things that made me mad
I just want to be free to be who I am.
Looking in the library for a Mark Twain book
I found it and let it go,
put it aside to grab one by Alberto Fudguet.
Tinta Roja. Red Ink.
Reminds of the writing of a friend,
and of school.
And I'm so stuck inside my head.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Portrait of la hermana
Originally uploaded by begutierrez
Hoy cumple 21 años la baby de mis hermanos, por lo menos de los que cuento.... Felicidades a la madre de mi sobrinito bello, a la compañera de mis bayuncadas, a quien se rie cuando imito a la tenchis o al cipitillo y quien siempre me ha aguantado... bueno, casi siempre :)
Feliz cumpleaños Barbie!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I have good, bad, and tasty news.
The good is that I checked this morning and my computer is on its way to me, it's in Indianapolis right now and I can't wait to get it. It might make it to my arms by tomorrow, or Friday. This is very exciting.... it's been a long time coming.
The bad is that my car, well, my mom's car that I've been driving since mine broke down this summer has broke down. This morning on my way to work I had to pull over because the car overheated, and after a minute or so after I turned the engine off the thing started smoking. I'm not kidding... smoking! Like when the orange Ford Cortina used to smoke on its way up any hill in San Salvador. Smoking... and I check and it wasn't that it needed coolant thing, because I put some of it just last night and it was full. So after checking that, I didn't know what else to check for. I got picked out and made it to work.
The car is still in that parking lot where I left it.
Besides that it worries me a little that I might not have a ride tomorrow morning, I don't feel a thing.... Cars break down so much on me I'm used to it, I guess.
And the tasty is that I made banana pudding last night and took it to work. People liked it, so I am now sure that I can mix things right. Yay for me!
I have to go now.....
Monday, September 10, 2007
I miss her calls and the way she talked, that sweet Southern accent. I miss how I could just call her and we'll be together in the next half and hour, and how she encouraged me to do best... always. How even if a class was difficult or if the project at hand was ridiculously long or seemed impossible to finish, she always said, with a smile "it'll be fine!" and then we would take a break. We were always taking breaks in between studying. I loved that, because we would talk, then read, then talk some more, then read, then we would just look at each other and smile... and we understood we were ready for some food. Ay, my April... those dinner breaks would go from planned minutes to hours of talking and laughing. But when we needed to study, we'd get it done and we'd do it right. Those As didn't come from only sitting pretty at the library. And I will never never forget the night she was studying Spanish, for a quiz first thing next morning, and when I started helping her with the vocabulary cards she'd made from pages of old print outs. That night we talked so much Spanish, and we used funny associations so that she'd remember what things were. We new what "estoy cansada" meant. And then, that next day, with a big smile and a hug she told me she got a perfect score on that quiz. MAN, that was great. I miss those celebrations. I remember when she was filling out the application for the internship with the Black Caucus in DC that summer... it was really close to the deadline, of course. But ay, we were so excited, and then when she told me she got it, we jumped and hugged at the ballroom at a BGSA event. She was SO happy, even more when I told her I would be in DC for a week at the AAUW conference... we started planning to meet in the city and what to do, and all that.
We came to be really close friends almost since the beginning, because of her friendly, open nature I found to be so rare with most of others I had known here. But she was great, and she included me in things, and she was so honest all the time. We talked about everything, for hours. That night at the Multicultural Retreat was were we became really close. We were roommates and so awake until so late. Our laughs drove Rosalba from the room next door, and Shonda from the room on the other side of the house were we stayed. That night was great. It was the beginning our the true friendship of the four of us. Those ladies... I love those ladies. And I was so hurt when none of them walked with me at commencement. Life just took so many turns. And didn't let us walk together.
April made me part of her family. I have so clear in my mind the time when she stopped reading and looked at me at that table in the periodical rooms at the library and she asked if I wanted to come visit her for a few days and meet her family down in Hope. I said yes at once and got so excited. "You should come stay at home with me some time this summer" she said. I had a great time in Hope, and I got to know her parents, her grandparents, her cousins, and some friends. We went by her church, by her high school, by Bill Clinton's home in Hope.
And then she was taken just a few months later.
I miss her so much. And I believe she's better, but I get so mad sometimes that we can't talk anymore, that we can't laugh, and we can't discuss articles in the newspaper and talk about politics. I mostly get mad at the lose of this country. I know she would have made it far in politics. I would have been a campaign...something...but I would have been with her. This world missed out on knowing April Love. And I talk about her and write about her so much because I want other to know her and how wonderful she was, and how deeply she impacted my life. I have her in mind when I dream big. And I think of what she would say, and what words she would use to tell me I can do whatever I want because I'm so strong.... her words were always empowering. Always.
"Cuando por las noches mires al cielo,
al pensar que en una de aquellas estrellas estoy yo riendo,
será para ti como si todas las estrellas riesen.
¡Tú tendrás estrellas que saben reír!....
estarás contento de haberme conocido.
Serás mi amiga y tendrás ganas de reír conmigo.
Algunas veces abrirás tu ventana sólo por placer
y tus amigos quedarán asombrados de verte reír
mirando al cielo.
Tú les explicarás: "Las estrellas me hacen reír siempre."
-- de El Principito (The Little Prince)
Hasta siempre, Abril Amor... 1985-2005
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
And I thought I had lost documents I have there, cause I use the thing as a drive for docs since I seem to be cursed with jump drives and always lose them or get stolen, and of course... I didn't have a back up for those docs. My senior paper was there, my resume, my vita, all my presentations that were important enough to not get deleted when I cleaned my docs at the UA server. I mean, I am so dang used to losing stuff like that... important stuff that I don't back up, that I didn't even cry last night. I usually cry, of course I do, all the work and time spend in those projects and things.. just to be lost. OF COURSE it hurts. But my heart might be hardening because yesterday I just thought "oh... forget it" and left the iPod to die with its battery.
Oh, it’s taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair
And this morning, when I saw it was finally off because the battery died, I decided to charge it and try to see if I could get anything out of it before I could call the apple costumer service to give them my story and see if they could repair the thing for me... and then the iPod just came on after charging. It showed the right time in the clock... I checked because after 4:27 yesterday the clock froze with all my docs, music, and photos. Man, I was so relieved. I still wanted to call apple, cause those costumer service guys have sexy voices, but I just left it like that. Oh, I was so relieved. I just copied the docs on this computer. Yes, I backed them up. About time.
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
And I'm relieved. I am so happy, not only because I could rescue my docs, but also because I didn't cry last night. See, I think I've learned that sometimes I just have to give it a day or so... and things get better. It's one of those lessons that life teaches you and then you take it and don't even know it, don't even notice when you're applying things in life that you've learn by.. living. This, that little spark of wisdom, it gives me hope. Maybe I'm wiser than I think, maybe, just maybe, I'm not completely lost.
And now I’m walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
And now, I'm about to get ready and walk out of the house. I have some things to do here, but I'm going out. I'm going to go to the park after getting the groceries and the envelope to send Lidi the sunset I made for her and I'll look at the sky. And I won't take a picture and post it here, since I don't have a camera, but I'll look at the sky and that will do for my soul today. Maybe, like my camera...
I’m in repair
I’m not together but I’m getting there
Friday, September 07, 2007
I'll make my way to the kitchen to see what I can get for breakfast. And I'll try to take a picture of the butterfly that's stuck on my window this morning... and of the wonderfully rainy today.
Mmmm... Circuit City better fix my camera. Or else I'll ask for a refund on the protection plan I paid for. I took my baby yesterday to the store, and they said they'd ship it out in 2-3 days. I won't see it for a couple of weeks, I hope when I get it back it'll work again. I miss photography. For now, I have my film camera and the crappy vivitar (enough said). Oh, Fridays.
Dinner tonight at my friend's house. I want to see her painting. I want to see Anna too... where the heck has she been? I must remember the busy days of the student life. I'll call her tonight.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Nunca se te olvidara ni el pasaje, ni el momento a ti tampoco.
"¿En qué ayudaste al que no tiene poder?
¿Cómo has amparado al brazo sin fuerza?
¿En qué aconsejaste al que no tiene ciencia,
Y qué plenitud de inteligencia has dado a conocer?
¿A quién has anunciado palabras,
Y de quién es el espíritu que de ti procede?
Las sombras tiemblan en lo profundo,
Los mares y cuanto en ellos mora.
El Seol está descubierto delante de él,
y el Abadón no tiene cobertura.
El extiende el norte sobre vacío,
Cuelga la tierra sobre nada.
Ata las aguas en sus nubes,
Y las nubes no se rompen debajo de ellas.
El encubre la faz de su trono,
Y sobre él extiende su nube.
Puso límite a la superficie de las aguas,
Hasta el fin de la luz y las tinieblas.
Las columnas del cielo tiemblan,
Y se espantan a su reprensión.
El agita el mar con su poder,
Y con su entendimiento hiere la arrogancia suya.
Su espíritu adornó los cielos;
Su mano creó la serpiente tortuosa.
He aquí, estas cosas son sólo los bordes de sus caminos;
!Y cuán leve es el susurro que hemos oído de él!
Pero el trueno de su poder, ¿quién lo puede comprender?"
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Why does life get so complicated, serious and fake?
Because I feel less human than usually... or maybe is because
I haven't meet anyone new in so long.....
has it been that long already?
What... two months?
I have to get out of the trap I've made for myself.
I keep talking about being better
I'm getting tired of myself.
Can I get a glass of water?
no ice, just water.
no glass... maybe just the water.
And a new perspective.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Me gusta la paz, la naturaleza, los animales, el pensamiento universal. Deliro con el olor a café, a incienso, a tierra mojada, a madera vieja y pino.
Soy como el aire y la tierra abrazadas: me atraen los opuestos y lo similar de las cosas: el movimiento quieto, la abeja con alas de mariposa, un árbol azul, la calma en el caos y la revolución en cualquier principio. (Mis principios aprendices igual que maestros para mi).
Creo que me gusta sonreír alreves, no estoy segura del todo. Pero si se, que noto drásticamente la belleza, los colores, la estética, la vida con todo su estruendoso sentido, muy opaco a veces pero la belleza es imperfecta.
Estoy enamorada de la equidad, la sinceridad y el arte; expreso mi sentir y mi espíritu através de la poesía. Me inspiran las expresiones simbólicas y abstractas. Lo simple y luminoso me da calma. Soy hipersensible a los lugares cerrados, al sabor de lo artificial.
Ando buscando cosas inusuales que me hagan ver al mundo desde todos los ángulos y ampliamente. Amo la libertad, y cuestionar lo establecido para reinventarle algo.
Me gusta pensar en la inmortalidad del cangrejo o de la libelula. No deja de deleitarme la sensación de tener los pies desnudos sobre la tierra firme. Ando en búsqueda constante de conocimientos y experiencias que no hagan olvidar a la persona que se es un ser humano ante todo. No tengo religión, prefiero mi propio sentido de fortaleza espiritual: el uno que engloba un todo.
Ya nací pero busco mi origen, aunque sé que en cualquier lugar de la búsqueda, me reinventare a mi misma una y otra vez. Fin y comienzo...