Rediscovering myself

I don't like earphones.

I have never liked them. The few times I've used them, they've hurt my ear.
Or maybe the dislike goes deeper than that, maybe I don't like to feel disconnected from the world, unaware of what's going on around me.

What other things do I not like?

I don't like country music or heavy metal... specially because the latter makes me feel anxious, because I just hear noise and can't really make up what instruments are being used.

I don't like messes. But I hate cleaning up.
I don't like clutter, but it is so hard for me to throw away some things. There are letters, notes from friends, concert stubs, photos, gifts. I keep too much, I remember too much.

I miss hearing my dad's voice. It broke my heart to say good-bye to him every time we talked on the phone from so many miles away, until we couldn't talk anymore.

I hate death.

I found a list

...of things to do to live life to the fullest. I like it.
1. Stop worrying about money 
2. Stop worrying about what other people think
3. Take two holidays a year
4. Enjoy little comforts in life
5. Experience different cultures
6. Work to live rather than live to work 
7. Pay off all debts 
8. Be true to yourself
9. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don’t have 
10.Use money on experiences rather than saving for a rainy day
11. Make time for family and friends
12. Try all types of food
13. Find true love
14. Travel to at least 25 different foreign countries
15. Go outside more
16. Learn a new language  (let's say a third language!)
17. Be well thought of by family and friends
18. Help a member of your family out when they really need it  (this is an ongoing)
19. Lose a stone in weight
20. Treat each day like it’s your last
21. Visit all of DC's historical landmarks
22. Book an impulsive last minute holiday
23. Volunteer for a good cause 
24. Take up a challenge
25. Go on safari
26. Blow a load of money in one shopping trip, just because you can
27. Learn a new instrument 
28. Be married for longer than 20 years
29. Have enough money left for the grandchildren to enjoy
30. Start a family
31. Earn more than your age
32. Have a pet 
33. Drive a really fast car (no thank you)
34. Travel alone
35. Be able to keep the kids on the straight and narrow
36. Meet strangers
37. Move away from home to an unfamiliar place
38. Have a one night stand
39. Pass your driving test 
40. Get a degree 
41. Rescue someone so that you’re a hero for a little while
42. Date someone exciting but completely wrong for you
43. Get a promotion
44. Reach the desired career peak by age 40
45. Have an all-night drinking session 
46. Perform something on stage in front of others 
47. Snog a stranger 
48. Plan a surprise party
49. Embark on adrenaline packed activities such as sky diving or bungee jumping 
50. Spend time with children even if they aren’t yours

Dreams

I must be in my vivid dream cycle again. And I can only guess this is not very good, when at the same time, I'm a bit depressed.

I was thinking the other night about the can possibly be the reason I am alive right now. I am not free. The number of things I can do to improve that situation is, basically, zero. And I keep getting attacked in different ways. I thought of April, on how much awesome she would be doing in the world if she hadn't been killed at 20 years old. I wondered if she would still be my friend. People who move on to greater things don't look back. She would probably not be my friend anymore, because of my inability to get ahead under my circumstances. And then, I wondered, why am I alive and not her?

So that night, I saw her in a dream. That hadn't happened since she passed away and came to say goodbye to me in a dream. I saw her. She asked me things. We both knew that we were both 27 and that she had been gone, but had come back. And that's when it hit me. The Olivia Pope character reminds me of April. The strangest feeling in the dream was when we both knew she had been dead and had a chance to come back, yet she looked... developed. Grown. And I still looked the same as I did in college, when I was the one that had been alive all these years. I had stopped growing.

I don't know what to do. And I hate this limbo.

Mi papi en sueños

I feel like I saw my dad in my dreams last night. But I can't really remember.

I had a dream a couple of days ago. I was in El Salvador and I asked to go see his room, his drawings, his photos, his possessions. He was gone in my dream too.

But I think last night I saw his belly. His Buddha belly. I'm not sure.

I miss you, papi.

Scream profanities

I’ve been in a funk for a few months, after my dad’s death. I’ve found myself dragging… I’m not depressed, but I’ve noticed myself overthinking the small things. Like.. cleaning my room or getting up to exercise. Even after I decided that it needs to be done, I get up or look around my room and it’s like I’m trying to convince myself against the good (or the needed) and end up just doing nothing.

I’ve also had trouble focusing. Like right now. I’m working from home and all I can do is look out the window at the snow that’s falling.

I also have piles of work and no motivation to do it. Or I jump from task to task, because, somehow, all seems urgent, but then I end up doing nothing.

I bought myself a couple of 8x8” watercolor pads. I want to refocus. I want to fill this pads with art or thoughts. Or just whatever it is that needs to come out of my heart right now.

Today is Jaime Roberto’s birthday and I wish I could go hug my cousin. Life sucks. It is such a hot mess of beauty. Sometimes I just want to scream profanities. Maybe that’s what needs to come out of my heart right now.

Valentine's

It was a good Valentine. The first one I got to spend with a significant other. B Panther really makes me happy.  I know he cares about me, because he transmits it to me, not because he says it. He never says much. I don't mind. I'm glad he's my guy.

Papi

There was a certain loss of energy that was evident in my dad's voice that last time I called him. I miss him so much.

No one is giving me photos of him, or videos of him, or his drawings. I can't go through his photos, or his writings, or his clothes.

How do I mourn my papi from such distance?

The only thing I know is to escape. I don't want my birthday to be like Christmas eve or New Years eve. I don't want this overwhelming sadness. So, I bought a ticket to Las Vegas, that's where I will welcome my 28th year of life. My first one entirely without my dad. He would always call me on my birthday...

I'm leaving my mother and my boyfriend behind. And there's certain guilt that haunts me for it, but I have to escape. It's the only thing I know to do. Escape to avoid pain. I've gotten good at avoiding things and situations. I don't think it's a good thing, but right now it's serving me well.

It was the saddest Christmas eve

I thought of my dad the whole day. His voice, his memory, his laughter... It came to me in waves and I cried every time. I tried to hide it, but I know my mom knew. She didn't ask me to help with any of the cooking for the night, nor did she ask why I wasn't making any pies or desserts.

Having the family over at night was good. But my heart was still heavy.

Feliz navidad, papi. Como hubiera querido poder oir tu voz aunque sea por telefono.