Wednesday, July 02, 2014

A first, but not a first

I'm going through my first official break-up. Although, it's not my first heartbreak. It's interesting how that works.

And what I am realizing is that life doesn't get easier as one gets older, but the awareness that there is no use to feel sad or cry more than needed, that awareness... that awareness is powerful. Knowing that life is going to get better and this is just temporary and that life doesn't give us much time so we better not waste it.

I joked with a friend, that I'm moving through the grief stages really fast (it's only been three days or so, we broke up on June 29th, although it was coming all along). Sadness, madness, shopping (that's a stage, that's totally a stage). But mostly I'm focused on being awesome. Like Barney Stinson, but not like Barney, of course.

Let's see where this takes me.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Oh, my vivid dreams take me places

It's been three nights that I've been living crazy dreams. The first night I went to la escuela España and saw a lot of people I knew. And I took a photo with my two classmates from el colegio... the only two that have passed away. I hope it's not a sign.

Then yesterday I couldn't wake up, because I was busy on some kind of adventure. I've forgotten it by now.

But this morning... oh man, this morning I woke up having a Walter Mitty kind of adventure. I was sent off from a car going by really fast and I was on a smaller car inside it and went on to some mountain. But I was thrown off the smaller car and ended up in some kind of cave-like place, and started finding bags and a towel, and recognized it from before. I had been there before. But I was some kind of fugitive, because the police came and I was able to escape, but then everyone was looking for me. I made it to La Colonia Libertad, and I went around the park a few times.

I'm glad my mind takes me places I know so well.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spring Equinox and I'm trying to renew myself.

I have been able to keep my travel goals so far this year. Of course, those are the easiest for me, because of my love of traveling. I've already booked flights for me to go to Seattle and Indiana, and I've booked a flight for tia Cande to come visit from El Salvador.

I've been doing a great job keeping up with my budget.

I didn't lose 29lbs by my 29th bday. But I am on my way to still lose them, even though my birthday has passed.

I have been eating a lot healthier and have managed to cut down in eating out a lot.

I have not returned to my mat. My yoga practice has been on hold. First, because I injured my right shoulder (prob with a bad plank) and second, well, because I just haven't made the effort.

Let me get to painting. And to yoga.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goals and 2014

It's the last day of 2013. It's been a great year.

I met my oldest sister.
Traveled a lot (Vegas, twice. St. Louis. Los Angeles. San Bernardino. San Francisco. Road-tripping California. Texas.)
Reconnected with Barbie.
Re-started my yoga practice, and with that, found a great studio and community.
Caught a lot of live music: Three music festivals - Wakarusa, LouFest, and Life if Beautiful. Naked and Famous. Walk the Moon. The Mogli's. The Killers. Imagine Dragons in Kansas City with 4 other bands. Janelle Monae. It was a great year in music.

For 2014, there are a few things I'd like to do:
Lose 29 lbs by my 29th birthday (that would be roughly 0.4 lb per day)
Make my yoga practice consistent
Take time to paint (how about 1 painting per month) and sell my paintings.
And read more (what, 6 books per year?)
And I want to travel to Seattle to visit Stephen before the summer and to Indiana to visit Chris.

I also want to keep in touch with friends and family a lot more. With all the apps available, there is really no excuse.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My daddy and his rain of comments

My dad used to go to the cyber cafe to check his email and write to me and my siblings. And in the last few months of his life, to check his facebook. I knew exactly what days he went to get online, because I would find a ton of notifications on my fb page. Notifications of comments on my photos, mostly. I miss that. I miss communicating with him and hearing his voice. I miss the random, but sophisticated comments he would come up with. Some were so deep, some hilarious. Like when he said "Y ese travesti?" on the photo of me in Las Vegas next to a statue of Ceasar (wearing warrior clothing... so a skirt, basically). My daddy. One time he called me Papaya Hindu on a comment, because I was wearing a really bright orange shirt. 

Fuck the holidays. They remind me that I'm not getting a call from him. That I don't have my father sending light to me, sending me his blessings. It breaks my heart. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

My father has been dead for a year and ten days

Someone asked me if I loved my father. I find that to be a trick question. Why should I say that, yes, I did love him, when that has never changed. So the question is wrong. The questions should be if I've always loved him. But then it hit me. That the person meant if I loved him while he was alive.

I struggle to talk about my dad. Always. I resent people who talk bad about him. I want to scream at them, really loud on their face, with a crazy face of my own, as to let them know that if they continue to talk shit I will hurt them, and that they don't want to get to that point. 

I miss my dad. And I want to hear him. I want to talk to him and I want to say tell him that I love him. And I want my crazy, vivid dreams to be some kind of reality. Because we laugh together in my dreams. And I can see his drawings in my dreams. And I'm still a man's daughter in my dreams. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

There was a blue moon last night

And I received 18 roses (orange, pink, and lilac) from the boo. Just because. I smiled all afternoon after receiving them.

I am struggling with all the physical weight that I've been carrying. I am tired of it, but I'm impatient. I want it gone at once, but I know that is not the way it is.

I am awake and I am asleep.

Hot yoga wakes me up. Everything looks beautiful after practice.

I'm walking on dreams.


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Te extraño, Pa

Ayer de repente empecé a cantar esa cancioncita que siempre nos cantaste, desde que me acuerdo. Así, sin darme cuenta.
"Una estrellita en el cielo vi, dos estrellitas me ven a mi, tres y cuatro veo brillar..."
Y desde que me fije lo que estaba cantando, no he dejado de pensar en ti. Me haces mucha falta. Todavia no nos hemos dicho adios, ven a visitarme en sueños, porfis. Que no tengo espacio donde llorarte a gusto. No tengo donde. Y como lidiar con eso de que el ultimo abrazo que te dí fue hace cinco años? Se me hace un hoyo en el corazón... y se agranda hasta que llega al estomago. Quiza por ahi está el alma y se me escapa de vez en cuando.

Te extrano, papi.