Monday, March 20, 2017

Treinta y dos

I'm so alive. This new year of my life has started in a very positive note and I am so thankful for that. My mom sent me flowers the day before my birthday, and then it was all magic. I saw a shooting start the night of my birthday, I had been hiking and painting while making a new friend earlier that day, and I slept by a lake under the shine of an almost full moon. Later that night I woke up to the surprise of the moon setting over the mountains and the lake. It was a very special moment.

I have also been painting. After that petition package went out on the 9th, my world got lighter. I'm thankful.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

So much has changed

The world, this nation, my family, my circle of friends, and my life is so different since the last time I wrote here.

The political reality of the country is chaos, hate, and fear. But also, an amazing uprising of love and resistance.

I am tired.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Hello September

This month is bringing about many changes I've been asking for, and it's going by as fast as time tends to go by when there's great things happening.

I'm saying goodbye to things, to people, and to places that have come to make my life what it is now. Change is good. This change is good. And needed. And the most beautiful part of it all is that I have absolutely no idea what is coming for me. I have no idea how I will make things happen, but I know that I am not alone and that it will happen. This jump I'm taking is worth my happiness.

The changes I've been making in my life for the best part of this year have been worth it, even if they have brought about slow results. I have learned to be persistent and enjoy the journey. I have learned to fight moment to moment and to love myself (and to hold myself) no matter what happens.

I'm incredibly thankful for everything that has been given to me. I am thankful for the life I am given every moment and thankful for the powerful love that surrounds me, in the shape of my mother, my sisters, my brothers, my nieces and nephews, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my dear friends, and my funny cat.

The trees, trails, rivers, and roads that surround me now will always have a special place in my heart. I will miss the rain and the changes in the seasons. I will not miss the allergies. But here I am. Ready for what's next. Ready to keep fighting this amazing battle that has been my life, but now, so excited to do it.

"A veces habrá que abrir la ventana y tirar todo a la calle, pero sobre todo hay que tirar también la ventana, y nosotros con ella... es la muerte o salir volando... por amor a la felicidad." -- Julio Cortázar

Monday, June 20, 2016

Today is Summer Solstice. The longest, brightest day of the year. 
Today is also full moon, rising on Sagitarious. 
What a magical day. 

The Summer Day
By Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Monday, March 28, 2016

I do.

I am so tired of online dating. For quite a few months now (most of 2015 and what goes of 2016) I've been in and out of dating sites. It's exhausting for my soul.
This is how it's been happening: I create a profile, pick good photos, answer questions, do some write ups, and start to look at other profiles. Then I reply to some messages, most of them go unanswered because they are just "Hey." Then I meet one or two people in person. And I get tired and delete the profile. Men seem to have more balls to talk like imbeciles online than they do in real life. I have put several of those dudes in their place, but that also gets exhausting and, frankly, I doubt it's helping.
Last year I met someone decent. We carried a good conversation and then he came to visit me. He lives to far away. We kept talking, but then he made plans to visit and then flaked out in three different occasions. We kept talking until we didn't. I liked him. But that was stupid.

I started to read a book I got for $2 at a goodwill. A really good book by Tracy McMillan. It's shaken a lot of my views on myself and has awaken me. But then last week, while I still had a dating app on my phone, I watched her TED Talk. And I ended up in tears. I'm choosing to marry myself right now.

There's a lot of people that find love online. My best friend included. So it's valid, and it's cool. But I've never wanted that to be my story. I crave a different kind of magic. Magic that starts by committing to myself. And I do. I do now. I do forever. I do. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poor, in sickness and in health, until death do us apart.

Friday, September 25, 2015

About a man

“You haven’t given me much idea of __________. Would he object to your working—outside the house I mean? Excluding personal charm, which I assume, and the more conventional virtues which go with success in business, is he his own man? Has he any force of character? Or imagination and generosity? Does he read books? Has he any leaning toward the arts and sciences or anything beyond creature comfort and duck-shooting? In short, has he the possibilities of growth that would make a lifetime with him seem attractive? These things don’t appear later—they are either there latently or they will never be there at all.” 
- F. Scott Fitzgerald
What a good letter. My dad didn't give me much advice about men. He showed me how to live life for myself, and I think that is indirect advice on men -- that I shouldn't wait or want someone to come make my life better, that it is my right and my responsibility to do so myself.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Lo leí por ahi

Me preocupa la gente que dice que anda buscando el amor, como si el amor ya estuviera por ahí listo y terminado. Como si existiera un amor enlatado, un producto diseñado que eliges en algún escaparate. Se han creído el cuento del amor prefabricado que nos venden en las películas de domingo en la noche o que nos cantan en la radio. Uno no busca el amor, uno lo construye... - Carlos Arturo García Bonilla

Tuesday, August 04, 2015


That's how I feel right now. I asked my best friend if she's mad at me because of something that happened last week, after which she's been very short on contact with me. So I asked this morning. In a text message. She said no, in the same short manner she's been answering me for over a week. And then, a bit later, she sent a big message saying she didn't want to think about my question because it brought her negative energy and she didn't want to deal with drama.

She's been trying to cut off the drama from her life. 

But in my understanding, drama is not the situations that you front or the conversations that you do or do not have, but rather the attitude you have when dealing with those situations or having those conversations. 

So I felt dismissed. 

A bit like I've felt all these years, waiting for a fix to that which is out of my control.