The Love I want is willing

I am listening to a John Mayer song I hadn't really listened to before, it's called "In The Blood" from The Search of Everything album. It's on repeat.

I want to be aware of the places I'm broken. And I want to hug those pieces of me, separated by hardships, evil, and heartbreak. I want to mend those pieces and put them together again, in a beautiful way. I want to make art out of my heartbreak. But I want to make sure I'm not selfish while doing that. I don't know where this is going... it's one of the reasons I still come write here. This place that could be gone with one click, that doesn't really exist yet it holds so many grains of me, of my mind, that I've left here throughout the years.

I want to love without fear. And I feel like I've been able to do it until now. I'm talking about that love that leads to the desire of giving all of you to someone you didn't see coming. I always dive in head first, and I'm thankful that I haven't busted my head yet, but it hasn't been pretty. I haven't been able to find a man brave enough to love me the same way. Or at least open to try.

This time the term "twin flames" even came to mind. Someone so weird and wonderful in a completely different way than me, but yet so alike. Very special. A sunset chaser and slow adventure seeker. This great partner not ready to jump head first with me.

I hate that word, "ready." Ready? Like we're ever going to be ready. Like a dish out of the oven. It's so naive, to think we have all this time to get to some place where "ready" exist. It doesn't exist. Because the more we grow, the more we realize we got some more growing to do, don't we? The more we know, the more we know we don't know. There's no ready, there's no perfect, there's not done. There's only willing. I was going to say there may be a "ready enough," but that may be bullshit too. There's only willing. Willing to love and to grow and to learn. Willing to be wrong and to learn from it and try again. Willing to be open and to be a partner.

I'm not mad. I'm actually really thankful for all these unwilling dudes. Because every time, it's someone better than I imagined. Every time I get my heart shot down, I think "but he was so great... am I going to find someone better?" And I keep finding better people. At least better for me. So I still hope and I'm still thankful. Maybe one of these months someone will find me and be willing to adventure with me without fear.