One day I'll get the guts to leave

He dicho.

There is something divine in tears

I don't like to cry. I especially don't like others to see me cry. But sometimes tears come out because they must. It's been a challenging week and I've cried several times. I've managed to not let any tears show, so no one has asked me what's wrong or why are my eyes so little. Yesterday was the worst... I wasn't sure I'd finish the day at the office, but I did. Today wasn't much better, but I got to leave early so I had more time to recoup. The moonrise was beautiful. The full moon reminds me of my sis L since October when I was there and we watched my last sunset over sea, which was magically followed by the full moon rising. She was so happy, so full of the moon's energy. She even told me I could keep the sun, that the moon was her girl. So this evening at dusk, when the moon was rising I had to pull over and take a photo and send it to her. She did the same, 2 hrs later, when the moon was rising on her time zone.

Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.

Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.

Sublime selfportrait session

I just got done with my selfportrait session of today (it's the 8th of the month, so it's selfportrait day). I am tired, but feeling great! I put up a few pieces of paper on the big painting in the living room and did some quick charcoal drawings, then used some black and red paint. During the drawing session I had the camera behind me shooting. I put on some makeup... It kinda ended up looking like I just rubbed some charcoal around my eyes, though. I'm not so good at the makeup thing.

I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.

I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.

The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."

Freezing temperatures go hand in hand with foul language

It's freezing outside. It's actually colder than freezing. I had never seen the temperature drop below 9 degrees F but it happened just a couple of days ago. How was it that it got to -2 degrees F? Most interestingly, how was it that I ended up here? But most importantly, why the hell am I still here? The quick answer to that last questios is "because I've been snowed in for a few days and I can't get on the road." The more elaborate answer doesn't belong to a public post here.

I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.

I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.

I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.