Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Fucking shattered dreams
It happens every time: I get back from a trip and crash in emotions of hopelessness. It's been getting worse every time I come back, this time... I don't know. I can't seem to get my shit together. I've been pretty strong and I haven't talked to any friends or family about these feelings, because I know they must be tired of the same thing coming from me. So I've kept it to myself. I don't know if that's what's making it worse or the fact that I really am not able to live like this anymore. Or maybe it's the fact that my deadline is getting closer and now I feel like I will not be able to do it, to break free and just go look for my life, to find a solution to this fucking problem I never asked for in the first place. I keep thinking I can do this, but then all the talks with people come to my head and bombard me with thoughts of "You can't do this one alone, someone will have to rescue you and it will be business and you will have to put up with that other fucking problem that, even when it'll be better than your current problem, won't bring you freedom."
I just want to stop thinking about all this shit. But I can't. I cannot get it out of my head. I have tried everything. I just want to cry now. I can't even work. My mind is unable to focus on the task at hand, like nothing matters. I'm afraid this has messed up everything. Will I ever be able to focus on anything?
Then I start that conversation in my head, that one that tells me to stop complaining because I'm so much better off than so many others. The one that tells me that I should just suck it up and deal with things as they are right now, that I should be content with life as I have it now. And I am, I'm not unhappy, but I just want better. Because I know I can DO better. I could be SO good at so many things, if I could just have the opportunity to do.
Then I get random song on my iPod that make me think someone's paying attention (Michael Jackson's "Keep The Faith" just started playing. I - am - not - shitting - you. Kind of like that one time that "No Woman, No Cry" started playing when I was crying at this same desk.)
Why can't I not live my dreams right now.. I keep thinking of how wonderful would it be to work at the LACMA, or work at a university, or work for Venice Arts, or write for the alt newspaper in Santa Barbara, or start a business in Ventura or Malibu, or work for GOOD Inc, or photograph for Rolling Stone or some band, or how great I could be at being the social media director for any organization I care about, or how awesome I would be at public relations, or what if I could just take a newspaper editor job in a small town somewhere (ok, maybe not that one).
Would I be happier if I didn't have these dreams.. maybe I just need to shut up.
I just want to stop thinking about all this shit. But I can't. I cannot get it out of my head. I have tried everything. I just want to cry now. I can't even work. My mind is unable to focus on the task at hand, like nothing matters. I'm afraid this has messed up everything. Will I ever be able to focus on anything?
Then I start that conversation in my head, that one that tells me to stop complaining because I'm so much better off than so many others. The one that tells me that I should just suck it up and deal with things as they are right now, that I should be content with life as I have it now. And I am, I'm not unhappy, but I just want better. Because I know I can DO better. I could be SO good at so many things, if I could just have the opportunity to do.
Then I get random song on my iPod that make me think someone's paying attention (Michael Jackson's "Keep The Faith" just started playing. I - am - not - shitting - you. Kind of like that one time that "No Woman, No Cry" started playing when I was crying at this same desk.)
Why can't I not live my dreams right now.. I keep thinking of how wonderful would it be to work at the LACMA, or work at a university, or work for Venice Arts, or write for the alt newspaper in Santa Barbara, or start a business in Ventura or Malibu, or work for GOOD Inc, or photograph for Rolling Stone or some band, or how great I could be at being the social media director for any organization I care about, or how awesome I would be at public relations, or what if I could just take a newspaper editor job in a small town somewhere (ok, maybe not that one).
Would I be happier if I didn't have these dreams.. maybe I just need to shut up.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
A travelogue of sorts: California, April 2012
The escapades are getting more frequent, they're needed more frequent. Window seat stories and plane conversations: talk about travel and doing good. Getting to L.A. early afternoon is fine and dandy, we hit up Versailles for Cuban food and sangria. Out dancing. Meeting new people (!). Moreno Valley to visit tia Luz. Conversations with tia Chave. Unplanned trips to Oxnard. Sandy's fam and friends. Sunrise hikes. Cold sand and waves, Jimi Hendrix quotes by the ocean. Life lessons from a homie. Santa Barbara and Summerland (where the sand is warm). Toppers pizza and laughter... pasito tun tun! LFP meet ups and ideas. Cafecito Orgánico. Wednesdays of Jacks N Joe breakfast, pericos, Malibu waves, beer, new friends (and a bulldog). Billy's stories of tropical pinguins bought online (that never came). Thursday of LACMA afternoons. In Wonderland. Frida Kahlo, Remedios Varo, and other diosas. Las Dos Fridas made me stop and cry... "what seems an erotic wistfulness and a rather passionate display of a world of organic entanglement and femininity as one." Love at first YouTube and un enamorado. Bday celebratory breakfast @ The Griddle #DAYUM. Pauli and Canyon Country sunsets. Stella and Arjona. Terminanmos cantando siempre. Mochi Saturday. 1800 pomegranate and 1990's music. YouTube es una gran cosa. Vasquez Rocks climbing. Pizza. Dinner at Gregg's. Life is good. I remember the greatness. And I blame the moon for everything.
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