Thursday, April 14, 2011
I told a friend of mine about a vivid dream I had about a spiritual leader
"...and everyone was sitting down on pillows except for me, I was in some sort of bed and when *he* came, he waved at me and I fainted. And it was so weird because as I write this I can feel it again.. in slow motion, exactly like it felt in the dream. It feels like when you're really tired and hit the bed and you don't even want to move to get in a more comfortable possition, you're just happy that you made it to the bed. Well, those nano-seconds when your body hits the bed, that's how that fainting felt like. And then I got back up and he was talking, it was some sort of lecture. But then we went on another room and he was telling me things would be OK and he was telling me exactly how things would work out. It was really specific. As if he was telling me a story he had already seen. I can't remember the details, but I do remember it was very detailed. The room where we were was low light and there was an orange glow all over."
Monday, April 11, 2011
Memories of red tile
I woke up this morning in between realities. I go through dream cycles in the month and I'm on the vivid-dream cycle now. I went back to a bathroom with red painted tile, on the third floor of an apartment building I left long ago. I woke up in between realities. The sound of the cool breeze on the other side of the window reminded me of that third floor, but I the wind was trapped on the outside. Trapped on the outside, looking in, to a confused heart.
The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.
I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.
The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.
I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
That photo I didn't take, of view from the window seat of the flight I did take
We had planned to get up early and have breakfast, possibly a big-ass omelette, before my sister had to drop me off at LAX for my flight back to XNA. After 20 days in the City of Angels, sunsets by the oceans, and lots of questioning my reasons to come back, I was still taking that flight early Sunday. My bags were packet and heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.
My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.
We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.
I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.
I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.
A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.
"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."
My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.
We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.
I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.
I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.
A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.
"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Happiness
I am so happy. Today has been a great day all around. A great day with great set backs, barriers, a little headache, a little worry, and yet full of bright spots after every few steps. After leaving work a little after my usual Thursday time, I came home to find Mocha was missing. These little kitties I've taking in while we get them a permanent home are shaking my world. Mocha is mama cat. I got her and her two little kittens "fixed" yesterday. So they were not supposed to go out at all, but Mocha escaped. Who knows how long she's lived out in the streets, of course she misses it. But I was so mad and worried about her recent surgery that I just went out looking for her. I found her and tricked her to come to me and got her in the house. You see? Downs and ups. And that's how my day at the office was too.
I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.
The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.
The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.
The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.
I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.
I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.
The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.
The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.
The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.
I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
There is something divine in tears
I don't like to cry. I especially don't like others to see me cry. But sometimes tears come out because they must. It's been a challenging week and I've cried several times. I've managed to not let any tears show, so no one has asked me what's wrong or why are my eyes so little. Yesterday was the worst... I wasn't sure I'd finish the day at the office, but I did. Today wasn't much better, but I got to leave early so I had more time to recoup. The moonrise was beautiful. The full moon reminds me of my sis L since October when I was there and we watched my last sunset over sea, which was magically followed by the full moon rising. She was so happy, so full of the moon's energy. She even told me I could keep the sun, that the moon was her girl. So this evening at dusk, when the moon was rising I had to pull over and take a photo and send it to her. She did the same, 2 hrs later, when the moon was rising on her time zone.
Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.
Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.
Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.
Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Sublime selfportrait session
I just got done with my selfportrait session of today (it's the 8th of the month, so it's selfportrait day). I am tired, but feeling great! I put up a few pieces of paper on the big painting in the living room and did some quick charcoal drawings, then used some black and red paint. During the drawing session I had the camera behind me shooting. I put on some makeup... It kinda ended up looking like I just rubbed some charcoal around my eyes, though. I'm not so good at the makeup thing.
I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.
I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.
The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."
I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.
I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.
The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."
Freezing temperatures go hand in hand with foul language
It's freezing outside. It's actually colder than freezing. I had never seen the temperature drop below 9 degrees F but it happened just a couple of days ago. How was it that it got to -2 degrees F? Most interestingly, how was it that I ended up here? But most importantly, why the hell am I still here? The quick answer to that last questios is "because I've been snowed in for a few days and I can't get on the road." The more elaborate answer doesn't belong to a public post here.
I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.
I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.
I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.
I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.
I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.
I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.
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