Midnight thoughts

While on this Friday many of my friends are out and about, while so many others are celebrating in preparation for a football game tomorrow, in this little town, I sit here and want to write. And I'm writing now, because it's been so long since I really wanted this. It's been long. Maybe the last time I just felt like writing was in late April or May, when the school work was heavy and I needed some way of releasing some of the words and thoughts that were coming in to me.

I sit here and I'm grateful I got to see a few of my good friends tonight. And I'm thankful because I was able to step on campus and feel what I was afraid of feeling and survived. Because it can be scary to go back to a place you belonged for so long, but now as a part of something different and foreign. It was like coming home to a place that no longer is. Things felt familiar, the place and the atmosphere felt familiar... but it wasn't for me anymore. My entire group of friends is no longer there and the laughs and name-shouting wasn't there either. But it was fun. Seeing some of those who are still there and hugging them, and catching up.

Something else that's not leaving my mind tonight is that email I got. That's just life, I guess, some you can make happy....some you will never make happy. It's just a little harder to get to that conclusion when is someone so important. And even when I've gotten used to the short sentences, that even when they might be sincere, they feel so fake. And even when I'm past that phase of taking things to personal, taking his words to personal, it still makes me think and go back to re-read and think what was behind those words, and why the sentence wasn't longer, and how much was left unsaid and was disguised by that one short sentence. At least he said he was proud of me, he never says it, or at least I don't remember. Might be that I don't remember because he always taints the moment with something else.

I'm also thinking of things I need to do. And things I would like to not do and the reason's why I don't want to do them, and the reasons why I have to do them. I have to mow the lawn. I'm not finding reasons not to mow the lawn, I'll do that tomorrow. All that thinking is about other things. More important things.

This midnight blogging just started to make me uncomfortable. I wish I was talking instead. To someone who wants to listen... I love late night talks. I don't know why, but I wish I could write more and get everything that's in my head (at this moment) out. I always feel like I never quite finish my thoughts, and that bothers me. I guess I'm better at drawing. Or talking.