Hear the waves breaking

These waves breaking are 1572 miles away, seven weeks ago. I spent that Wednesday around Malibu Lagoon with my sister and a new friend, who taught me to watch for good waves.

The three of us are dreamers. The three of us are artists in different ways. We paint, we draw, we photograph, we stand on waves, we design, we see the colors in extra-vivid shades, we break and glue our souls back together.

There were stories in between waves. There was laughter... that was my favorite part.

He told us about the penguin he ordered on a website when he was little. The penguin that never came. "They said they were tropical penguins," he said between laughs, "but it never came!"

In life, sometimes not being OK is OK. What matters is who's next to you during those not OK times. 

http://cowbird.com/author/begutierrez/#!/26480

After seeing one of my paintings for the first time

I loved this conversation. Starting with what might be one of the best compliments a guy has ever given me:

SA: You've got big talent. He has no idea what he's getting into with you.
B: He doesn't! He doesn't know anything about me... He just knows I'm cute!
SA: But everyone knows that... That is a fact!

Memory marks

Some of my loved ones think of me when they see a beautiful sunset,
Some think of me when they see a postcard,
Others smile when they see Frida Kahlo and remember my deep appreciation,
There are some that see the waves and they call me to say hi.

It makes me happy. To think I can be present in the lives of those I love, without being there all the time.

Really nice compliments I've received this month

"You've got a good head on your shoulders"

"You're a good daughter"

"Hanging out with you has made me change my attitude"

Multiple exposures

It is not a photograph of a moment.

In my most recent escapade to the West, my film got stuck in a frame. I must have taken 30 shots on that one frame, maybe more.

I forgot what I tried to capture. Where I was. What I felt. Who was with me.

This one photograph holds time and a few stories of loved ones, strangers, city lights, country roads, the ocean, and maybe one of my reflections. It is all together, unrecognizable. Beautiful.

http://cowbird.com/author/begutierrez/#!/24477

Wired and semi-heartbroken

I need to do my ass a favor and never again drink coffee. Never. Ever.

The last two times I've had coffee have taken me to the same dead-end: Wide awake and feeling lonely. Doesn't help that both of those times I've been reminded that I've got no game.

I don't understand why I'm always just the friend-type. This horrible feeling at the top of my stomach, just below my heart.. like someone came to rip out my soul with winter-cold hands, it always comes to me. I've never been in a committed relationship, not because I've never wanted to. It's just that no one has ever wanted me. And that is a hard reality to confront. Specially, because I keep trying to examine myself to figure out what's wrong with me, but when I try to get an opinion from friends they always tell me I'm wonderful, and awesome, and a bunch of other adjectives that just leave me feeling more confused... Why do only my friends see that? I would make an awesome girlfriend. I'd make an amazing wife too, but that just seems like too much to ask from me, seeing that I have trouble getting to that first stage.

Last week, when the sleepless night happened, I wrote to my best friend about my feeling of hopelessness at not being able to attract anything other than a few flies. She wrote me back saying "I don't understand why you let something so insignificant affect you so much." Her words sent me to the pavement. The one person I thought would understand that I was talking about all these years of lonesomeness, was telling me my most recent rejection was insignificant. It was-- Had I been talking about that isolated instance, but I wasn't. I was trying to talk about my steady record of "not even enough to justify a heartbreak" love life.

"Dating is awesome," she continued, "you should open yourself up to it, it's a game." I died. I've never been closed to dating. I thought she knew this. But at that moment, all the years of pretending I am perfectly lonely (like the John Mayer song) were finally hitting me in the face. My best friend had no idea of what was really happening in my heart. There was a wall I had been building, the wall of "I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else" that really left everyone out, even those I intended to keep in. I had to step back and just swallow my feelings. There was, at that moment, no one in this world that could understand how I felt, and I was responsible for that.

Three days later, I had to take a solo-hike in a state park 50-minutes away from home just to clear my head. Don't talk to me about it being stupid or dangerous. Finding someone who would be interested in hurting me in the middle of those woods would had been just fine, at least it would be way better than the indifference I've grown accustomed to receive.

Going back to my self-analysis of a hopeless love life... Sometimes, I think it's all because of my excess-weight. But then I see people bigger than me, and less attractive (sorry, it's true) living perfectly normal love lives. And here I am, forever alone.

For a moment, I considered the option of dedicating a year of my life to meaningless one-night stands. But dropped the idea almost instantly, not only because I'm really worth more than that, but also because my heart could not take the blow of not even being able to attract the candidates for those pseudo-relationships.

I would even take a heartbreak. At least one, in my whole life. You know why? Because that would mean there was enough love coming back to me, to be deserving of a heartbreak. My real hope is that there is someone out there that will want to hike around this world with me. And listen to music with me. And laugh at dumb movies with me. And travel with me. And go to a John Mayer concert with me. More than that, I hope I get a chance to meet him.... and I really, really hope he hasn't been run-over by a truck or electrocuted. Because THAT would just be the cherry on top of this less-of-a-joke love life of mine.

The quintessential text convo with my hippie at 5:36pm yesterday

B: The feeling that overtakes me when I leave the office is quite ridiculous.
S: What kind of feeling it is?
B: Euphoria
S: Lol

Solo hikes

Best thing I could have done for myself last week. I'm going to explore this place while I'm still here. I'll do it on my own, since that's all I have right now. I might find a waterfall, or a bear, or a couple that needs their photo taken, or peace of mind.

I don't want to fall in my own trap again. Ever again.

My grandpa is here. He's funny. Already talking about how important it is that I stay close to family. And I just want to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Or go hiking. Solo.

Last night

Ken (to the group): Let me know if you wanna meet my therapist.
Me: Maybe I need therapy.
FDP: You don't need therapy.
HH: You don't need therapy! You're the happiest person I know.
Me: But I probably have issues.
FDP: YOU DON'T NEED THERAPY! ...Just thinking of hanging out with you makes me happy. You ARE therapy!

I want to remember those words. If I mantra the shit out of them, it might help me realign my soul. Going on a solo hike this afternoon.

Sleep deprived

I'm a bit emotional today. I blame it on not being able to sleep last night, and that is April's 27th bday, and that I had a dream with my niece and nephew.

I went to bed at 12:30am, woke up at 2:45am, rolled around and read, was able to go back to sleep until around 4:40am. Alarm went off at 6:10am. Just to wake me up from a dream of my sister and her kids, whom I haven't been allowed to see since October last year. They were hugging me in the dream, and my sister told me it was all finally OK.

Today would have been April's 27th birthday.

I am so done with emotions.