Wired and semi-heartbroken

I need to do my ass a favor and never again drink coffee. Never. Ever.

The last two times I've had coffee have taken me to the same dead-end: Wide awake and feeling lonely. Doesn't help that both of those times I've been reminded that I've got no game.

I don't understand why I'm always just the friend-type. This horrible feeling at the top of my stomach, just below my heart.. like someone came to rip out my soul with winter-cold hands, it always comes to me. I've never been in a committed relationship, not because I've never wanted to. It's just that no one has ever wanted me. And that is a hard reality to confront. Specially, because I keep trying to examine myself to figure out what's wrong with me, but when I try to get an opinion from friends they always tell me I'm wonderful, and awesome, and a bunch of other adjectives that just leave me feeling more confused... Why do only my friends see that? I would make an awesome girlfriend. I'd make an amazing wife too, but that just seems like too much to ask from me, seeing that I have trouble getting to that first stage.

Last week, when the sleepless night happened, I wrote to my best friend about my feeling of hopelessness at not being able to attract anything other than a few flies. She wrote me back saying "I don't understand why you let something so insignificant affect you so much." Her words sent me to the pavement. The one person I thought would understand that I was talking about all these years of lonesomeness, was telling me my most recent rejection was insignificant. It was-- Had I been talking about that isolated instance, but I wasn't. I was trying to talk about my steady record of "not even enough to justify a heartbreak" love life.

"Dating is awesome," she continued, "you should open yourself up to it, it's a game." I died. I've never been closed to dating. I thought she knew this. But at that moment, all the years of pretending I am perfectly lonely (like the John Mayer song) were finally hitting me in the face. My best friend had no idea of what was really happening in my heart. There was a wall I had been building, the wall of "I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone else" that really left everyone out, even those I intended to keep in. I had to step back and just swallow my feelings. There was, at that moment, no one in this world that could understand how I felt, and I was responsible for that.

Three days later, I had to take a solo-hike in a state park 50-minutes away from home just to clear my head. Don't talk to me about it being stupid or dangerous. Finding someone who would be interested in hurting me in the middle of those woods would had been just fine, at least it would be way better than the indifference I've grown accustomed to receive.

Going back to my self-analysis of a hopeless love life... Sometimes, I think it's all because of my excess-weight. But then I see people bigger than me, and less attractive (sorry, it's true) living perfectly normal love lives. And here I am, forever alone.

For a moment, I considered the option of dedicating a year of my life to meaningless one-night stands. But dropped the idea almost instantly, not only because I'm really worth more than that, but also because my heart could not take the blow of not even being able to attract the candidates for those pseudo-relationships.

I would even take a heartbreak. At least one, in my whole life. You know why? Because that would mean there was enough love coming back to me, to be deserving of a heartbreak. My real hope is that there is someone out there that will want to hike around this world with me. And listen to music with me. And laugh at dumb movies with me. And travel with me. And go to a John Mayer concert with me. More than that, I hope I get a chance to meet him.... and I really, really hope he hasn't been run-over by a truck or electrocuted. Because THAT would just be the cherry on top of this less-of-a-joke love life of mine.