Dreams

I must be in my vivid dream cycle again. And I can only guess this is not very good, when at the same time, I'm a bit depressed.

I was thinking the other night about the can possibly be the reason I am alive right now. I am not free. The number of things I can do to improve that situation is, basically, zero. And I keep getting attacked in different ways. I thought of April, on how much awesome she would be doing in the world if she hadn't been killed at 20 years old. I wondered if she would still be my friend. People who move on to greater things don't look back. She would probably not be my friend anymore, because of my inability to get ahead under my circumstances. And then, I wondered, why am I alive and not her?

So that night, I saw her in a dream. That hadn't happened since she passed away and came to say goodbye to me in a dream. I saw her. She asked me things. We both knew that we were both 27 and that she had been gone, but had come back. And that's when it hit me. The Olivia Pope character reminds me of April. The strangest feeling in the dream was when we both knew she had been dead and had a chance to come back, yet she looked... developed. Grown. And I still looked the same as I did in college, when I was the one that had been alive all these years. I had stopped growing.

I don't know what to do. And I hate this limbo.