A compliment can make your day shine

I got a message this morning. It was from a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in years. He said "I just want to say that you are beautiful! I don't know if you realize it or not, but you are absolutely gorgeous. Have a great day!"

Man, that made me smile so big.

I'm so ready to have someone in my life that calls me gorgeous constantly. Love, where the hell are you?

Need a change

I'm pretty tired of this version of myself: overweight and unorganized. So what's the change I need? Get cleaning and stop eating? Maybe.

Planning a road trip

Around this time last year, I wrote a poem. It's beautiful and so real. Every so often a bunch of words come together in my head and find, beautifully, a way out. The poem I'm referring to is titled "Oda al fuego de la vida" and it is, to date, the most sound conversation I've had with Love. One way, but still a conversation. But enough of that, because I'm tired of thinking of Love this weekend, or the absence of it.

Let's talk about a road trip. A road trip heading West. Finding libertad. It's in my head and it won't leave. The road has taken over my day dreams, my night dreams, my writings, my drawings. I see open roads and dream of open deserts. I see sunsets on the road and the moon rising. I see myself alone and my bike on the rack, just waiting to touch ground. I don't see the destination. In fact, when I think of a destination I get anxious. Because I know no one is waiting, not really, no. No one has a bed for me, or a place to leave my bike. No one has a job or an interest in me. But that makes me stronger and makes me want to take off soon. But there's too much to do before I take off, so for now let's organize, let's teach, let's photograph, let's talk and laugh. I'm enjoying my friends while they're still next to me. Before I say good bye.

Love, actually

Our Thanksgiving celebration with the family was a wonderful time. We give thanks after we're all done eating. Seems like it's easier to be thankful when you're not hungry :) 

I said I'm thankful to have such lively family. I didn't use that word, I used "tan chistosa." I laughed so much tonight. 

Now everyone's gone home or is sleeping. I'm in the living room and just put Love Actually on. It's my holiday movie of choice. Oh, the holidaze. So crazy. I can't stand them, but watching the movie and hanging out with family and friend eases the pain. Maybe this will be the last year I watch this movie alone. 

Talked to the most important person in my life today, about leaving. I'm scared and my heart is breaking, but if I don't leave... I'm afraid if I don't leave I'll lose myself completely. Arkansas has been good to me, but leaving is long overdue. 

Life never goes as planned, does it? Today I'm thankful for my family, because they're with me and make me laugh, and that heals my heart. 

A travelogue of sorts: California, Oct/Nov 2011

Taking back tia Cande to the Golden State. No voice. Just a week this time, but so ready. Lidi, Sandy, Pauli, China. Jennifer & Jacob came from Vegas to hang out. Tim Burton exhibit at the LACMA. Venice Beach. Lidia's pupusas and sunsets. Cold water. Meeting new family in Moreno Valley and L.A. Seeing tia Lipa after nearly 10 years. Tia Luz's 79th birthday. Drawing my primitas, teaching Kaylee to love film photography. Lots of laughter. Pumpkin carving, late night talks, querido diario. Stella Rosa and others. Too much. Calle Olvera, Chinatown, Little Tokyo, Koreatown, did I miss anything else? Urth Cafe and taco trucks. Tengo pegue. Beach hoppin', fruit stands and honey samples. Postcards for Mauri at every stop: thrift store painting at Ventura, pizza Hawaiiana at Carpinteria, sunset at Summerland and gelato at State Street, Santa Barbara. Pupusas, platanos, etc. Laughs. China, ya no me respetas? Pyramid lake, Lensbabies and Lomos. Lomography store. Meeting new friends, new projects, new passions: Las Fotos Project. I want to go to the LACMA, but myself. Cuando la noche me contesta. Lots of tweeting. Talked to Mauri. Talked to el Chinito. More family in L.A. Saw mis primitos (Chepitos). I don't want to go back. Stand on the chair, why not?

No digital photos, just film for me.

A hard week and a song

We have a way of taking life for granted, these days feel eternal even when we see them passing by so fast. Life is so fragil and we are all dying. But how horrible it is to be able to visualize that end, when we have seen it, when we have a good idea of how it will most likely end.

I got news from two friends in the last . Both of them have been influential men in my life. Both are facing terminal conditions. Both told me in writing. Monday and Tuesday. One has more hope than the other. One has more support than the other. Both news broke my heart.

After a couple of days of taking it all in, I replied today. I wrote to one and called the other one. Shit, man. This is harsh.

"To the top of all the world
to the tasteless underworld
to the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you loved

To the demonstrated smile
to the lonely love child

destination desolation, tell me when you reach the brink of life
just a picture on your wall

thats nice, what a metaphoric fall

Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
oh what an indication

To the center of the pain
through your tattered window pane
to the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
love is clueless and destiny is wishing
this is my heart, it's on the line...

This is not what I expect, this is not what I expect
I can see it in your tears and now they're crowning me the Caesar"

A travelogue of sorts: Las Vegas, Sept 2011

Pupusas, Tonopah Community Garden, Stardust love all around, semillas de paterna, inappropriate comments about little people, Red Velvet Cafe, Imagine Dragons show, Build-A-Better class at TCG, met my new little BFF with an orange smile, talked to Jenn & Jake ("it all makes sense now"), Mark Brenner restaurant, LuisMi was in town too, Mariachis at the Caesar's Palace, super accent of mine... where did it come from? "Say one two tree please," lost my ass again, Absinthe (the show), 3am Bingo, #NoSleepVegas, #XNAfail (we were so close to landing and we started ascending.. whaaaaaat)

Loved every minute.

Time capsule (from myself, Sept 15, 2010)

"HOW'S THE ART??? Remember that ideas come from creating. If you don't create, the ideas won't come. Dream, daydream, imagine... whatever, but you have to put it on paper or canvas so that better things come to you."