Have I failed misserably? Yes. But that's in the past.

I have been my worst enemy in the last two months. I've excused my overspending and my lack of exercise on the fact that I've been celebrating my birthday. That's right, for two months. I count it all as a failure because I know better. I can be disciplined and I can say no, I just have chosen not to do shit to better myself.

Good news? I'm alive and that means I can turn it all around at this very moment. I didn't shoot myself on the foot. Because I've been grounded for so long I was able to cover my own ass with my savings. That's on the budget part, but on the lifestyle part I'm paying the price. Because I've chosen to go out to eat every time a friend asks me to, and I've stopped for fast food a couple of times (it's nasty, but I still ate it!), and I've chosen not to exercise and make up excuses for myself. What's been the price? Ten freaking pounds. Ridiculous? YES. It takes me a long time and a lot of work to lose that weight, but it's so easy to put back on. NO MORE, BITCH. I'm turning this train around right meow!

At the beginning of this year I set a weight goal for June 3rd. That goal is not very attainable at this point, but I will shoot for it and I will not disappoint myself if I don't reach it, as long as I get halfway there. If I can lose the 10lbs I've put on, I'll be happy because I'll be on my way. What does this mean? It means I have to make the right choices (which I am well informed on) when I go grocery shopping. It also means I will not eat out. That will not only help me on weight loss, but also to get a hold of my finances again. The hardest part is saying no to friends... or trying to change the way we socialize. Hanging out will no longer mean going out for dinner, lunch, or an expensive 16oz cup of flavored coffee. No, no mo' my friend! How about we hit the trail, go for a hike, go to the park, paint, or make dinner at home? We can all use a little more practice in the kitchen, anyway.

This post is my way to redefine my priorities. Revisit my resolutions for the year and take control of my life again, before I get the feeling it's all lost.

BLISSipline is what it's all about! And it starts right now (well, it actually started out on Tuesday, but you get my point.)

Here's something I read yesterday and stuck with me:
"For a quality life: Drink water. Brush your teeth and smile. Stretch, stay limber and breathe deep. Love at least one person, if not the whole world. Have fun."

Lidi

Earlier this week, I had a random mid-day conversation with my sister Lidi. We talked about dreams. She started the conversation, I didn't even tell her about any of my dreams in detail, just mentioned I had also been having crazy dreams. She talked about lucid dreaming. She found a book about it at the Bodhi Tree book shop in L.A. She got the book for the same reason I excuse so many things about myself, because it reminded her of dad.
Lidi tells the best stories. She makes me laugh like no one else. I just never know what will be the next thing to come out of her, and that keeps me interested. She went on about how she didn't finish the book, yet started to have crazy dreams and she wasn't able to take full control. I lost it and laughed when she said "so, my dumb ass..." I love her. And yesterday I woke up to a text message from her. It made my whole day.

"I just spent about 3 hours w Jason talkin carburrows about life dreams the moon and aliens. it was very nice. Thought of you. Love you"

The dreams about that apartment in La Col. Libertad continue

I'm still on my vivid-dream cycle. And this morning I woke up two different times, to two dreams. I don't remember the first one, because I went back to sleep after I moved my face from the ray of sunshine hitting my eyes. But the second time I woke up, I was in my old apartment in San Salvador. There was a sea of rain water and fog that came up to that third level of the building. It covered the streets and everything around the building, and the fog made everything colorless. That was the view from the north side of the apt, from my sister's old room. Then I walked over to my room and it was empty, saved for the bed. I asked where my things were and my mom said she'd gotten rid of them. I didn't go in, but I looked at that room for a long time. And I got cold. And I felt the cold.

I've been feeling my dreams. They're going from just being vivid (like my usual cycles) to feeling real. The other morning I felt a kiss on my cheek and woke up to it. This morning I felt the cold and the water outside that window. These dreams are not much related, but they're getting more intense. I almost want to look for an expert's opinion. Almost.

Stronger, more distant

I want to remember that today I got to hang out with one of my best friends and my favorite hippie. He said he noticed I've changed, that I seem stronger and more distant. And we talked about happenings in both of our lives, in the time we've been apart. It's good to know our friendship is not only surviving, but growing and strengthening through the time and distance. I think he figured I wasn't more distant, just that I really don't like video games. But he stood by the idea of my presence being stronger.

I want to remember him today. And how we went into that store and smelled all the incense, and how we came to the one named "summer afternoon" and had the same reaction to it, as in "not too bad." I want to remember that moment, because we both laughed so much afterward. I want to remember his Aladdin pants and his bare feet, keeping Fayetteville funky. His crazy hair after his nap, Dragonball Z style. And how he set up his alarm at the exact time he knew I'd get there, instead of the time I told him I'd get there. And how, again, someone asked how we met... I wonder why people ask so much. And I want to remember the comments I made about his new art piece he got for this future place in Seattle, "this piece right here, it's not very organic." "Just like Seattle," he replied. I want to remember that, because I don't think he will. SMC.

I told a friend of mine about a vivid dream I had about a spiritual leader

"...and everyone was sitting down on pillows except for me, I was in some sort of bed and when *he* came, he waved at me and I fainted. And it was so weird because as I write this I can feel it again.. in slow motion, exactly like it felt in the dream. It feels like when you're really tired and hit the bed and you don't even want to move to get in a more comfortable possition, you're just happy that you made it to the bed. Well, those nano-seconds when your body hits the bed, that's how that fainting felt like. And then I got back up and he was talking, it was some sort of lecture. But then we went on another room and he was telling me things would be OK and he was telling me exactly how things would work out. It was really specific. As if he was telling me a story he had already seen. I can't remember the details, but I do remember it was very detailed. The room where we were was low light and there was an orange glow all over."

Memories of red tile

I woke up this morning in between realities. I go through dream cycles in the month and I'm on the vivid-dream cycle now. I went back to a bathroom with red painted tile, on the third floor of an apartment building I left long ago. I woke up in between realities. The sound of the cool breeze on the other side of the window reminded me of that third floor, but I the wind was trapped on the outside. Trapped on the outside, looking in, to a confused heart.

The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.

I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.