Things changed after I filed my complaint.

Breath of fresh air.

Fucking shattered dreams

It happens every time: I get back from a trip and crash in emotions of hopelessness. It's been getting worse every time I come back, this time... I don't know. I can't seem to get my shit together. I've been pretty strong and I haven't talked to any friends or family about these feelings, because I know they must be tired of the same thing coming from me. So I've kept it to myself. I don't know if that's what's making it worse or the fact that I really am not able to live like this anymore. Or maybe it's the fact that my deadline is getting closer and now I feel like I will not be able to do it, to break free and just go look for my life, to find a solution to this fucking problem I never asked for in the first place. I keep thinking I can do this, but then all the talks with people come to my head and bombard me with thoughts of "You can't do this one alone, someone will have to rescue you and it will be business and you will have to put up with that other fucking problem that, even when it'll be better than your current problem, won't bring you freedom."

I just want to stop thinking about all this shit. But I can't. I cannot get it out of my head. I have tried everything. I just want to cry now. I can't even work. My mind is unable to focus on the task at hand, like nothing matters. I'm afraid this has messed up everything. Will I ever be able to focus on anything?

Then I start that conversation in my head, that one that tells me to stop complaining because I'm so much better off than so many others. The one that tells me that I should just suck it up and deal with things as they are right now, that I should be content with life as I have it now. And I am, I'm not unhappy, but I just want better. Because I know I can DO better. I could be SO good at so many things, if I could just have the opportunity to do.

Then I get random song on my iPod that make me think someone's paying attention (Michael Jackson's "Keep The Faith" just started playing. I - am - not - shitting - you. Kind of like that one time that "No Woman, No Cry" started playing when I was crying at this same desk.)

Why can't I not live my dreams right now.. I keep thinking of how wonderful would it be to work at the LACMA, or work at a university, or work for Venice Arts, or write for the alt newspaper in Santa Barbara, or start a business in Ventura or Malibu, or work for GOOD Inc, or photograph for Rolling Stone or some band, or how great I could be at being the social media director for any organization I care about, or how awesome I would be at public relations, or what if I could just take a newspaper editor job in a small town somewhere (ok, maybe not that one).

Would I be happier if I didn't have these dreams.. maybe I just need to shut up.

A travelogue of sorts: California, April 2012

The escapades are getting more frequent, they're needed more frequent. Window seat stories and plane conversations: talk about travel and doing good. Getting to L.A. early afternoon is fine and dandy, we hit up Versailles for Cuban food and sangria. Out dancing. Meeting new people (!). Moreno Valley to visit tia Luz. Conversations with tia Chave. Unplanned trips to Oxnard. Sandy's fam and friends. Sunrise hikes. Cold sand and waves, Jimi Hendrix quotes by the ocean. Life lessons from a homie. Santa Barbara and Summerland (where the sand is warm). Toppers pizza and laughter... pasito tun tun! LFP meet ups and ideas. Cafecito Orgánico. Wednesdays of Jacks N Joe breakfast, pericos, Malibu waves, beer, new friends (and a bulldog). Billy's stories of tropical pinguins bought online (that never came). Thursday of LACMA afternoons. In Wonderland. Frida Kahlo, Remedios Varo, and other diosas. Las Dos Fridas made me stop and cry... "what seems an erotic wistfulness and a rather passionate display of a world of organic entanglement and femininity as one." Love at first YouTube and un enamorado. Bday celebratory breakfast @ The Griddle #DAYUM. Pauli and Canyon Country sunsets. Stella and Arjona. Terminanmos cantando siempre. Mochi Saturday. 1800 pomegranate and 1990's music. YouTube es una gran cosa. Vasquez Rocks climbing. Pizza. Dinner at Gregg's. Life is good. I remember the greatness. And I blame the moon for everything.

La ardillita

It's been extra warm (for this time of the year) and it's cause the grass to start growing like it's summer.

I haven't mowed.

I haven't mowed, because I never finished picking up the leaves last autumn. 

I didn't finish picking up the leaves last autumn, because that was around the time my tia Cande came to visit (after 10 years without seeing her), followed by the crazy fight with the unnamable, followed by my last trip to California, followed by being bummed out about being back in AR, followed by busy times. Everything else became more important that picking up leaves. Now I have to pick them up. 

Let's be honest, this much needed yard clean up is not even going to happen in the next couple of days. It's been raining like some kind of diluvio up in here. 

I *should* have happened over the weekend. But Saturday was an incredibly amazing day. The weather was perfect and I pretty much just ate and me acosté en la hamaca en la tarde. It was nice. Then it was carne asada time with the family. I also bought some fake flowers for a project I'm working on. I realized I needed to do yard work a couple of days ago, but the biggest sign came to me on Saturday. This is what happened: 

I pulled up in the driveway and saw a lil squirrel hanging out in the front yard. The little one would have normally hauled ass after seeing my car, but this time she (or he) just lowered to the ground.. just below the grass. Then she slowly turned around and jumped. High. Then lowered herself again and repeated her jump. It made me laugh! Maybe she thought I couldn't see her through the freaking jungle where she was jumping through. 

It's going to happen. The clean up. Just not tomorrow.

27th Bday

I'm a blessed woman. Specially because my mother wrote this to me today:

Thanking God for the 27 years that we have been together, you are a really "B"lessing to me:
I love ur fhotos
I love ur paints
I love u are University Graduate
I love ur poems
I love ur volunters
I love ur in the news
I love ur tacos de curry
I love cuando tenemos sesion de fotosI
I love u are University Alumnai
I love ur postcards
I love ur comments en tus fotos
I love traveling with u
I love ur friendship con Paulina
I love u like traveling
I love ur friendship con Marsha Foster
I love ur friendship con Chepe
I love ur friendship con el Chino
I love ur friendship con Alejandro
I love you care of family in El Salvador
I love you care of me
I love u are close to your family
I love ur humor sense
I love u like cats
I love ur banana bread
I love u care for your brothers & sisters.
I love ur friendship with your dad
I love you are in my life, you are the best daughter in the whole world and I wana wana wish u a happy birthday I wana wana wish u a happy day. I wana wana wish u a lots of presents, I wana wana wish u a good pasteeeeel.
I'm sure you will enjoy your "B" day
I wish u the best today and forever
Mochu love.

A flight and a road trip, 10 years ago.

The first time I got on an airplane was on 02/22/02 at about 7pm. I had one or two suitcases with me. I had my photo albums, my canon film camera I had managed to buy just a couple of months earlier, I had some of my favorite t-shirts and the only jeans I owned, a cassette tape that my cousin and I made for my sister, there was some fresh cheese in between my clothes in the bags, there were mangoes… I don’t remember who wanted mangoes, I had my Bible, and a broken heart. I left behind everything I knew of life and the little I owned. The box with postcards that my dad had sent us through the years when he travelled, the sea shell I kept in my room, my favorite books. I left my friends and my family.

I remember looking back while going through the security gate at the airport, and seeing my cousin Jaime Roberto. He looked as sad as I felt. He’s more of a brother to me than a cousin, and we both knew I was not just going for 8 days, like my plane ticket said. I had been telling everyone I would come back in a few months, when in reality I didn’t know what would happen. I had never been as lost as I was those last few months in El Salvador, after my mom and my sister left the country. I didn’t have plans for a life in El Salvador. But I also didn't have plans for a life anywhere else, either. On that last year of high school in my country, while everyone was trying to decide what to go to school for, I wasn’t… Now that I think about it, I felt exactly like that in my last year of college here. I looked at a school or two, but I didn't fill out any applications. I didn't look for a job. I was left out of the leadership positions I had at church for the new year (that hurt).

I got to the U.S. later that night in February. I had a window seat. It was the last row of seats of the plane. It was uncomfortable and the air conditioning was too cold. But then I saw the lights of Los Angeles for a few minutes before we landed. I had never seen so many lights. It was magical, the stars were on the ground.

My uncle picked me up at the airport. About a week later, we were both on our way to Arkansas. We drove. I didn't know how far Arkansas was. I didn't know what a road trip was. We stopped by Las Vegas, and somewhere in Arizona where my uncle saw it had snowed... it was just some leftover dirty ice, so I didn't give it much attention. We stopped by Albuquerque. All those places we drove by, so beautiful. This country is so big and open. If only everyone's heart were that big and open.

We got to Arkansas in the first minutes of March 1st. It's a good thing we drove (even though when we got out of the car, I felt like I never wanted to see a car again in my life). Had I flown in to Arkansas, I would have been so underwhelmed... specially after flying into LAX a week before.

These 10 years have been a blessing. I cannot begin to count the blessings I've received. I've met incredible individuals, many of them have become friends. I've been to beautiful places and learned so much!

Here's to whatever's next. I have no idea what that is... but it will be amazing. Doesn't matter how rocky the start is :)

Making lists [2012]

I make lists when I feel weird, out of place.

Lately, there have been too many of those days, too often. So here's what I have:

Want to see live:
- Matt Nathanson
- Mason Jennings
- John Mayer (again and again)
- The Naked And Famous
- G. Love (again and again)
- Fitz And The Tantrums
- Calle 13

I already know I'll get to see some of them live this year, the rest I'm on the look-out for. I really want to go to SXSW.

Want to visit:
- Death Valley NP
- Canyonlands NP
- Zion NP
- Yosemite NP
- Grand Canyon NP
- Monument Valley NP
- Big Sur, CA
- Redwood NP
- Portland, OR
- Denver, CO
- Salt Lake City, UT
- NYC
- Drive down the PFC from Oregon to L.A.
- Red Rock Canyon, LV, NV.

I to get to all those National Parks this year. I'll leave NYC and the MOMA for later.

What I want to accomplish in 2012:
- Establish LFP in NWA (each one, teach one)
- Get back in my size 8 jeans
- Travel
- Enjoy more live music
- Get at least one kick-ass self portrait
- Get back to yoga and hiking (it'd be good to do all AR trails before I leave)
- Leave AR

He dicho.

Edit.. I love checking things off

Out of place

I feel foreign to my own life at the moment. It's past midnight and I'm not sleepy, although very tired. Coming back from Darby's tonight I was trying to embrace the night drive (cold, but clear skies... lots of stars and the moon rising around midnight). But I couldn't. Not even the sweet music was making things better. I was driving too fast, so I slowed down and called Paulina. She thought the phone call was strange, "WTF?" she answered. We talked for a while and I told her I was feeling strange. Then I stayed in my car talking to her for a while until she had to go to bed. I should think of what I want to do in 2012... my 27th year of life. This freaking post even feels weird. Where am I going with all this?

Where am I going? 

Where am I?

Where?