Thursday, September 21, 2006

Miss Love,

This date last year was your funeral. I guess that was our good-bye, or our until-the-next-smile; except I didn't get to see your smile that day. I just saw your picture, your coffin, many flowers, and your family. They were crying and that broke my heart. And I wanted to cry so much, but I couldn't-- I couldn't because there were all these people that also were crying and sad and I just know that I couldn't cry, that I needed to be strong for you and for me because you were strong for both of us many times.
It was the hardest thing to be there and think I wouldn't hug you again or see your face or hear your voice again. I couldn't stand that thought, I just wanted to sleep to see if when I woke back up I would realize it was all a horrible dream, and that really, I would see you the next day or so.
It was hard to see your mom cry, and to see your dad and his eyes so red from tears. And your sisters were so sad... I wanted to stop all that. I wanted to stop the pain.

That day, when we were driving back from Hope I saw the moon in the darkest night I have ever seen. It was so rare for the sky to be so dark when there was a full moon out. And that made me think of Heaven being sad too-- I wanted to reach for that moon to see if I could find you there, laughing... so happy and beautiful.

I thought about you and the moon. And I cried in the darkness of the back seat of the rental car that got me back to Fayetteville.
I wrote a poem about that night a few days later.

And now, a year later, I still cry when nobody can see me. Because I want all this to go away, and I want you to be alive and well, and happy like you always were. And I think of you so much.
We did a balloon release in your memory.... and it was all so sad and wrong, because one should not be doing a memorial for a young, intelligent woman that had so much more to live. I celebrate your life, but I miss you and I wish I could change all that happened. But Someone knows better.... or at least that is what I should believe.

April, I love you and miss you.