A compliment can make your day shine

I got a message this morning. It was from a friend I hadn't seen or talked to in years. He said "I just want to say that you are beautiful! I don't know if you realize it or not, but you are absolutely gorgeous. Have a great day!"

Man, that made me smile so big.

I'm so ready to have someone in my life that calls me gorgeous constantly. Love, where the hell are you?

Need a change

I'm pretty tired of this version of myself: overweight and unorganized. So what's the change I need? Get cleaning and stop eating? Maybe.

Planning a road trip

Around this time last year, I wrote a poem. It's beautiful and so real. Every so often a bunch of words come together in my head and find, beautifully, a way out. The poem I'm referring to is titled "Oda al fuego de la vida" and it is, to date, the most sound conversation I've had with Love. One way, but still a conversation. But enough of that, because I'm tired of thinking of Love this weekend, or the absence of it.

Let's talk about a road trip. A road trip heading West. Finding libertad. It's in my head and it won't leave. The road has taken over my day dreams, my night dreams, my writings, my drawings. I see open roads and dream of open deserts. I see sunsets on the road and the moon rising. I see myself alone and my bike on the rack, just waiting to touch ground. I don't see the destination. In fact, when I think of a destination I get anxious. Because I know no one is waiting, not really, no. No one has a bed for me, or a place to leave my bike. No one has a job or an interest in me. But that makes me stronger and makes me want to take off soon. But there's too much to do before I take off, so for now let's organize, let's teach, let's photograph, let's talk and laugh. I'm enjoying my friends while they're still next to me. Before I say good bye.

Love, actually

Our Thanksgiving celebration with the family was a wonderful time. We give thanks after we're all done eating. Seems like it's easier to be thankful when you're not hungry :) 

I said I'm thankful to have such lively family. I didn't use that word, I used "tan chistosa." I laughed so much tonight. 

Now everyone's gone home or is sleeping. I'm in the living room and just put Love Actually on. It's my holiday movie of choice. Oh, the holidaze. So crazy. I can't stand them, but watching the movie and hanging out with family and friend eases the pain. Maybe this will be the last year I watch this movie alone. 

Talked to the most important person in my life today, about leaving. I'm scared and my heart is breaking, but if I don't leave... I'm afraid if I don't leave I'll lose myself completely. Arkansas has been good to me, but leaving is long overdue. 

Life never goes as planned, does it? Today I'm thankful for my family, because they're with me and make me laugh, and that heals my heart. 

A travelogue of sorts: California, Oct/Nov 2011

Taking back tia Cande to the Golden State. No voice. Just a week this time, but so ready. Lidi, Sandy, Pauli, China. Jennifer & Jacob came from Vegas to hang out. Tim Burton exhibit at the LACMA. Venice Beach. Lidia's pupusas and sunsets. Cold water. Meeting new family in Moreno Valley and L.A. Seeing tia Lipa after nearly 10 years. Tia Luz's 79th birthday. Drawing my primitas, teaching Kaylee to love film photography. Lots of laughter. Pumpkin carving, late night talks, querido diario. Stella Rosa and others. Too much. Calle Olvera, Chinatown, Little Tokyo, Koreatown, did I miss anything else? Urth Cafe and taco trucks. Tengo pegue. Beach hoppin', fruit stands and honey samples. Postcards for Mauri at every stop: thrift store painting at Ventura, pizza Hawaiiana at Carpinteria, sunset at Summerland and gelato at State Street, Santa Barbara. Pupusas, platanos, etc. Laughs. China, ya no me respetas? Pyramid lake, Lensbabies and Lomos. Lomography store. Meeting new friends, new projects, new passions: Las Fotos Project. I want to go to the LACMA, but myself. Cuando la noche me contesta. Lots of tweeting. Talked to Mauri. Talked to el Chinito. More family in L.A. Saw mis primitos (Chepitos). I don't want to go back. Stand on the chair, why not?

No digital photos, just film for me.

A hard week and a song

We have a way of taking life for granted, these days feel eternal even when we see them passing by so fast. Life is so fragil and we are all dying. But how horrible it is to be able to visualize that end, when we have seen it, when we have a good idea of how it will most likely end.

I got news from two friends in the last . Both of them have been influential men in my life. Both are facing terminal conditions. Both told me in writing. Monday and Tuesday. One has more hope than the other. One has more support than the other. Both news broke my heart.

After a couple of days of taking it all in, I replied today. I wrote to one and called the other one. Shit, man. This is harsh.

"To the top of all the world
to the tasteless underworld
to the center of your heart, oh Cleopatra is the only one you loved

To the demonstrated smile
to the lonely love child

destination desolation, tell me when you reach the brink of life
just a picture on your wall

thats nice, what a metaphoric fall

Typically, I was a validation on your sleeve
oh what an indication

To the center of the pain
through your tattered window pane
to the middle of your heart

Resolutions and lovers in the kitchen
love is clueless and destiny is wishing
this is my heart, it's on the line...

This is not what I expect, this is not what I expect
I can see it in your tears and now they're crowning me the Caesar"

A travelogue of sorts: Las Vegas, Sept 2011

Pupusas, Tonopah Community Garden, Stardust love all around, semillas de paterna, inappropriate comments about little people, Red Velvet Cafe, Imagine Dragons show, Build-A-Better class at TCG, met my new little BFF with an orange smile, talked to Jenn & Jake ("it all makes sense now"), Mark Brenner restaurant, LuisMi was in town too, Mariachis at the Caesar's Palace, super accent of mine... where did it come from? "Say one two tree please," lost my ass again, Absinthe (the show), 3am Bingo, #NoSleepVegas, #XNAfail (we were so close to landing and we started ascending.. whaaaaaat)

Loved every minute.

Time capsule (from myself, Sept 15, 2010)

"HOW'S THE ART??? Remember that ideas come from creating. If you don't create, the ideas won't come. Dream, daydream, imagine... whatever, but you have to put it on paper or canvas so that better things come to you."

One week left of Summer + Las Vegas

Oh Summer, so sweet and so short. A couple of weeks ago the weather started to change and nights are getting cooler. The skies have also been a extra intense shade of blue, lately. I already miss the hazy afternoons and washed out skies. I have become a Summer baby. Hard to believe, but there was a time in my life where I used to dread the hottest days of the year.

I'm embracing life though, so it's OK if Summer goes away for a little bit, as long as it comes back to me...

I've had a wonderful time shooting film in the last couple of months and "excited" doesn't really describe how I feel about seeing the prints that come out of my Summer project. To end things with a nice note, I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend. I get to visit my dear friends and I get to see one of my new fave bands life, Imagine Dragons.

Please remind me, to never stop being excited about every day in the life.

You Always Make Me Smile by Kyle Andrews

I like your messy hair
I like the clothes you wear
I like the way you sing
And when you dance with me
Ready set, here we go

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's 'cause you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I like that rainbow pair
Of gym shoes that you wear
I like the chance you take
I like the mess you make

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's because you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I like that rainbow pair
Of gym shoes that you wear
I like the way you sing
And when you dance with me
I like the face you make
And when you dance with me
I like the rules you break
And when you dance with me
I like the cake you bake
And when you dance with me
I like the chance you take
So won't you dance with me?

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait!
It's 'cause you make me smile
You always make me smile

I don't know why, I love you
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's because you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile

I don't know why, I love you
(You always make me smile)
I just know I can't stop thinking of you
Oh wait, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
It's 'cause you make me smile
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You always make me smile
You always make me smile

Lomo

A few years ago, I made a friend via a book exchange online. He sent me a book, I sent him a book, and then a couple of more correspondance exchanges happened. We didn't stay in touch, but he did introduce a few good things into my life: the Babyshambles & the SuperSampler. He sent me photos of the Big Chill one year and he had taken them with a little Lomo camera, he said.

I just got mine this week.

Por Avion

Today is my friend's birthday. I sent him an email to congratulate him in the morning and he told me to watch the mail, that he sent me correspondence. And what was waiting for me when I got home? An envelope from him. I laughed, I never thought I'd get it on the same day he told me about it.

Mañana le mando la postal de su cumple.

Under the starts

I realized today that Summer is going by fast and that the end of it is only about 6 weeks away. I haven't counted, but I feel like I'm right when I say 6 weeks. While I was showering this evening I looked out the window, and saw the sun is now setting close to the mid point of my face. It left the right side of the fence little by little and it'll soon be on the left side of the fence... and it will be cold.

For a couple of weeks there, I slowed down on the summer on film thing. But I never stopped and now I've picked up the pace. I asked my mom to develop the rolls of film for me in the Winter, just in case something happens to me. I don't want those to go undeveloped. I'm starting to forget about the photos I've taken, and that makes me much more excited about the whole project.

Winter will be harsh. But I think to keep it alive, I will do a double exposure project on my own. That'd be fun.

I almost want to go sleep under the stars tonight. There's been a lot on my mind and I just want to feel the breeze. So many decisions. I've been thinking about it all a bit more than usual lately. I can live with a broken heart, but I can't fly without wings. I wonder what will happen. I don't understand why things are the way they are, but now I have nothing else to do but to deal with life as it's been handed to me.

"Our endless days are numbered"

Last year there was a postsecret postcard of a sunset with that phrase on it. I saved the photo and not too long ago I ran into it. I've been writing that phrase in pieces of paper or my hand, it's important that I don't take my life for granted. Days are just going away, so fast. I realized today that it is already the end of the month and that's just crazy.

There's so much love to give.

I read this post the other day and realized that, with the excuse of this weird limbo where I exist, I don't have a clear idea of where I want my life to go or who I want to be. I'm going to write a list of what I think I want, as if there were no obstacles. Here's to getting wings.

Thirst for words and summer mind don't mix

"Summer reading" is a term I just don't understand. To me, reading is an escape. Just the other day, I went with a friend to a park. We put a blanket on the grass and he got a Julio Cortazar book out. We read La Autopista del Sur together. It was great, the story took me everywhere the characters went and it made me feel everything they felt. That happens to me when I read, I become someone else and when I'm done, I'm left wondering who I am. That was a great read, but I only got through it cause we were reading together. If I had been reading on my own I would not have finished.

To me, summer is about being present (mostly outside). Feeling the sun burn your skin, feeling the water refresh it. Smelling the grass, the lake, the grill. Tasting the fresh produce, the water, the popsicles. Everything but reading. To me, reading is for winter; for those days I can't go outside because it's so damn cold it'd make me cry. But sitting with a book in the summer when I could be doing anything else? That just doesn't click in my head. Those "summer books"... those are for winter, to remind us that there is hope and the sun will shine again!

Yet, I'm soooo thirsty for words right now. It's a shame, because I have a pile of books I want to tackle. I'm thirsty for clever writing and maybe some giggles. Let's see if I pick up a book at some point again this summer. Maybe if it's with a friend, on a blanket at the park.

Songs on repeat

I have Mumford & Sons on repeat today.

Soothing. Lyrics made of gold.

There's only so much the heart can take. The body, the body is smarter. It knows what to do to heal. I was sick over the weekend and after throwing up, I'd get a cold sweat for a few moments. Moments that almost felt like the last moments, but it was just the body healing itself. Everything should be like that. Intense pain where needed and then moving on. But I keep mulling over all the what-ifs of my situation, instead of just getting up and walking out. Right now. Sometimes the solution seems to be right in front of me, so attainable and then it leaves me in this big-ass void. It leaves me wondering, too, who I've become and why.

8 years

How have I made it 8 years here? In the words of Ben Harper "...I need to change, I don't know how. Don't give up on me now."

Verano

The sun is out and we're alive! Today is Summer Solstice and there is just so much I want to do (outside of where I am... working hard on focusing on business, but failing to do so. let's hope this post helps me clear my mind of daydreams so I can become productive.)

This summer I want to do the following:
- Take photos (film summer, ya'll!)
- Not spend any full days at the house (day trips on the weeeeeeeeeekends!)
- Listen to lots of music.
- Spend time with people I love.
- Swim (starting this weekend.. Danville swimming yayness)
- Eat well (I plan to cut out buying bread. if I want it, i'll have to bake it myself omgchallenge!)
- Bike bike biiiiiiiiiike.

Here's to a beautiful season of the Sun.

Invisible

Except I'm here and it hurts. There goes my life, like sand in my hands.

Waka Waka Waka

I just got back from Wakarusa and it was awesome.
I got to see some of my fave bands live: Michael Franti & Spearhead, Mumford & Sons, Ben Harper & Relentless7, Ozomatli and so many other great ones. I also got to meet a bunch of artists; The guys from Kinetix, Raul Pacheco and Asdrubal Sierra from Ozomatli, Ben Lovett from Mumford & Sons, and Mat McHugh from The Beautiful Girls. I'm such a fan.

A travelogue of sorts: Las Vegas, May 2011

Gigi, Jenn, Jacob, Caroline. Dogs and cats, cats and dogs. Ellie (skinny dog). Taxi drives and walking. Lights everywhere and M&M's. More walking, driving around without listening to the GPS instructions. Recalculating, biatch. Tour guide. Australian men, dreams in the water, and The Beatles LOVE. Music by a pool, The Barenaked Ladies. Music on the radio, Adele's "Rumor Has It" and Bruno Mars "The Lazy Song." Sharks, turtles, and jellyfish. Max Brenner's chocolate and Red Velvet Cafe. Awesome weather, awesome friends, awesome times. Apl.De.Ap. "Is this the real Caesar's Palace?"

LOVED IT.

Vivid dreams continue: A Tibetan friend with an afro

Today I woke up while dreaming of a friend. It started out with me and my sister (the one in Cali) trying to go up a weird building. There was a broken elevator and I suggested we jumped on top of it so it could take us, since the doors weren't opening for us. She jumped first and then I realized she would get crunched at the top when the elevator got to the end and I yelled that she needed to jump out at the next level. I started climbing some stairs and got to the top. Where there were several people just hanging out. The place looked OK, but it was definitely a temp shelter of some kind. There were lots of windows and the light was lovely. I came to sit by a guy that looked Tibetan, his skin was very dark and was smiling big. He was folding his clothes (a ton of shirts with band designs!) I saw a Jimi Hendrix one and we got to talk. Then the place filled up with water. We were both on some raised platform and I looked at the water and saw flowers just under the surface and I said something about how beautiful they looked and jumped to get them. He jumped behind me and I started pulling beautiful pastel-color flowers.. there were so many of them and then we started swimming in flowers and water... i felt so happy. then we went back to the platform to find that all his cool shirts were gone! they had been stolen. I was so sad, but he didn't get mad or sad. And then... and then.... I looked at him and he had a really cool afro! like Jimi!!!

And then I woke up... tired cause I had been swimming in flowers and water for who knows how long that night.

Have I failed misserably? Yes. But that's in the past.

I have been my worst enemy in the last two months. I've excused my overspending and my lack of exercise on the fact that I've been celebrating my birthday. That's right, for two months. I count it all as a failure because I know better. I can be disciplined and I can say no, I just have chosen not to do shit to better myself.

Good news? I'm alive and that means I can turn it all around at this very moment. I didn't shoot myself on the foot. Because I've been grounded for so long I was able to cover my own ass with my savings. That's on the budget part, but on the lifestyle part I'm paying the price. Because I've chosen to go out to eat every time a friend asks me to, and I've stopped for fast food a couple of times (it's nasty, but I still ate it!), and I've chosen not to exercise and make up excuses for myself. What's been the price? Ten freaking pounds. Ridiculous? YES. It takes me a long time and a lot of work to lose that weight, but it's so easy to put back on. NO MORE, BITCH. I'm turning this train around right meow!

At the beginning of this year I set a weight goal for June 3rd. That goal is not very attainable at this point, but I will shoot for it and I will not disappoint myself if I don't reach it, as long as I get halfway there. If I can lose the 10lbs I've put on, I'll be happy because I'll be on my way. What does this mean? It means I have to make the right choices (which I am well informed on) when I go grocery shopping. It also means I will not eat out. That will not only help me on weight loss, but also to get a hold of my finances again. The hardest part is saying no to friends... or trying to change the way we socialize. Hanging out will no longer mean going out for dinner, lunch, or an expensive 16oz cup of flavored coffee. No, no mo' my friend! How about we hit the trail, go for a hike, go to the park, paint, or make dinner at home? We can all use a little more practice in the kitchen, anyway.

This post is my way to redefine my priorities. Revisit my resolutions for the year and take control of my life again, before I get the feeling it's all lost.

BLISSipline is what it's all about! And it starts right now (well, it actually started out on Tuesday, but you get my point.)

Here's something I read yesterday and stuck with me:
"For a quality life: Drink water. Brush your teeth and smile. Stretch, stay limber and breathe deep. Love at least one person, if not the whole world. Have fun."

Lidi

Earlier this week, I had a random mid-day conversation with my sister Lidi. We talked about dreams. She started the conversation, I didn't even tell her about any of my dreams in detail, just mentioned I had also been having crazy dreams. She talked about lucid dreaming. She found a book about it at the Bodhi Tree book shop in L.A. She got the book for the same reason I excuse so many things about myself, because it reminded her of dad.
Lidi tells the best stories. She makes me laugh like no one else. I just never know what will be the next thing to come out of her, and that keeps me interested. She went on about how she didn't finish the book, yet started to have crazy dreams and she wasn't able to take full control. I lost it and laughed when she said "so, my dumb ass..." I love her. And yesterday I woke up to a text message from her. It made my whole day.

"I just spent about 3 hours w Jason talkin carburrows about life dreams the moon and aliens. it was very nice. Thought of you. Love you"

The dreams about that apartment in La Col. Libertad continue

I'm still on my vivid-dream cycle. And this morning I woke up two different times, to two dreams. I don't remember the first one, because I went back to sleep after I moved my face from the ray of sunshine hitting my eyes. But the second time I woke up, I was in my old apartment in San Salvador. There was a sea of rain water and fog that came up to that third level of the building. It covered the streets and everything around the building, and the fog made everything colorless. That was the view from the north side of the apt, from my sister's old room. Then I walked over to my room and it was empty, saved for the bed. I asked where my things were and my mom said she'd gotten rid of them. I didn't go in, but I looked at that room for a long time. And I got cold. And I felt the cold.

I've been feeling my dreams. They're going from just being vivid (like my usual cycles) to feeling real. The other morning I felt a kiss on my cheek and woke up to it. This morning I felt the cold and the water outside that window. These dreams are not much related, but they're getting more intense. I almost want to look for an expert's opinion. Almost.

Stronger, more distant

I want to remember that today I got to hang out with one of my best friends and my favorite hippie. He said he noticed I've changed, that I seem stronger and more distant. And we talked about happenings in both of our lives, in the time we've been apart. It's good to know our friendship is not only surviving, but growing and strengthening through the time and distance. I think he figured I wasn't more distant, just that I really don't like video games. But he stood by the idea of my presence being stronger.

I want to remember him today. And how we went into that store and smelled all the incense, and how we came to the one named "summer afternoon" and had the same reaction to it, as in "not too bad." I want to remember that moment, because we both laughed so much afterward. I want to remember his Aladdin pants and his bare feet, keeping Fayetteville funky. His crazy hair after his nap, Dragonball Z style. And how he set up his alarm at the exact time he knew I'd get there, instead of the time I told him I'd get there. And how, again, someone asked how we met... I wonder why people ask so much. And I want to remember the comments I made about his new art piece he got for this future place in Seattle, "this piece right here, it's not very organic." "Just like Seattle," he replied. I want to remember that, because I don't think he will. SMC.

I told a friend of mine about a vivid dream I had about a spiritual leader

"...and everyone was sitting down on pillows except for me, I was in some sort of bed and when *he* came, he waved at me and I fainted. And it was so weird because as I write this I can feel it again.. in slow motion, exactly like it felt in the dream. It feels like when you're really tired and hit the bed and you don't even want to move to get in a more comfortable possition, you're just happy that you made it to the bed. Well, those nano-seconds when your body hits the bed, that's how that fainting felt like. And then I got back up and he was talking, it was some sort of lecture. But then we went on another room and he was telling me things would be OK and he was telling me exactly how things would work out. It was really specific. As if he was telling me a story he had already seen. I can't remember the details, but I do remember it was very detailed. The room where we were was low light and there was an orange glow all over."

Memories of red tile

I woke up this morning in between realities. I go through dream cycles in the month and I'm on the vivid-dream cycle now. I went back to a bathroom with red painted tile, on the third floor of an apartment building I left long ago. I woke up in between realities. The sound of the cool breeze on the other side of the window reminded me of that third floor, but I the wind was trapped on the outside. Trapped on the outside, looking in, to a confused heart.

The thunderstorm of last night woke up all the birds. They were chanting this morning, celebrating clarity. Celebrated clarity while my mind and heart were fuzzy, jumping between dreams, between realities.

I had things to write. About cold road trips around the Ozarks, about photos of new friends, about the colors of an imaginary palette. But I forgot the words I wanted to use and the tales lost importance, after I visited a familiar room (with red painted tile) in my dreams.

That photo I didn't take, of view from the window seat of the flight I did take

We had planned to get up early and have breakfast, possibly a big-ass omelette, before my sister had to drop me off at LAX for my flight back to XNA. After 20 days in the City of Angels, sunsets by the oceans, and lots of questioning my reasons to come back, I was still taking that flight early Sunday. My bags were packet and heavy, but not as heavy as my heart.

My sister Lidi and I, we like sleep. But we also like to stay up late, specially when there are 1am foodtruck runs involved. So it was easy for us to decide that we didn't really need breakfast after the alarm went off that morning. I think we made those plans already knowing we wouldn't complete them, but it's nice to have plans for breakfast with your sister, and talk about what we'll eat and how great things will be.

We left her apartment as the sun was rising. The sun, he finally decided to show his face-- shining after so many cloudy days during my visit that October (2010). It was one more sign for me to stay. One more sign dismissed. The air was crisp and the city was clear as my sis drove me, fast, to the airport. We had calculated the time I'd need down to the second, and I was right on time (contrary to popular belief). But what we didn't count on was the mile-long waiting line for security check. I freaked out and started sweating. The line was moving quick, but still... I think I spent close to an hour there. I started tweeting left and right, that if I missed the dang flight I wouldn't try to get another one; that if the line didn't move I was going to call my sis to come back for me; that I should be getting out my book already; of why I checked my bag... Just a portion of my so many thoughts. I was freaking out. No one needs additional messes when already questioning a situation. When I finally made it to security I walked fast to the gate. Of course I wasn't running, I still had to have some dignity left in me after the whole thing was over, no matter what the outcome. I got to the gate and the airline people were just chillin' waiting on the passengers who were arriving one by one, most of them running, resembling deranged spider monkeys. I'm sure I looked a mess, I sure felt a mess.

I got to my seat and got so happy when I saw I got a window seat. Window seats are my favorite. And that morning, that was the best. As we took off I sent my love as I spotted the Venice board walk, the Santa Monica Pier and downtown. It was the end of the morning golden hour and everything seemed magical. I'm still not sure if that was the universe's way to tell me things will be fine or if it was a way to let me know I was making a mistake on leaving. I stopped thinking and just took in the view. It was as if I hadn't seen anything so beautiful in ages, it felt so perfect. Maybe it was all the rain of the previous days, it was all so clear, crisp, vivid (all the things I wasn't, I was so sad to be going back). As we headed East, leaving my Pacific behind, we reached some mountains. We left behind the big buildings, the streets and highways, the palm trees. And we reached mountains. They were blue, very vivid blue. There were just a couple of clouds over the mountains, barely caressing their peaks. The clouds were translucent and I saw hints of rainbows. I'm not sure how long this lasted.

I didn't take out my camera. I wanted to just remember that view as I was taking it in at that moment. Sometimes you can't capture scenes in a frame, because sometimes is not just about what you see. That stretch of the flight is still so clear in my head. I hadn't revisited it since that morning, but it's so vivid right now. I feel exactly as I felt then.

A friend of mine forwarded me this piece and it reminded me of all the window seat views I've photographed.. and then it reminded me of the one view I didn't photograph.

"...Won't you carry it in? In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.
Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky..."

Happiness

I am so happy. Today has been a great day all around. A great day with great set backs, barriers, a little headache, a little worry, and yet full of bright spots after every few steps. After leaving work a little after my usual Thursday time, I came home to find Mocha was missing. These little kitties I've taking in while we get them a permanent home are shaking my world. Mocha is mama cat. I got her and her two little kittens "fixed" yesterday. So they were not supposed to go out at all, but Mocha escaped. Who knows how long she's lived out in the streets, of course she misses it. But I was so mad and worried about her recent surgery that I just went out looking for her. I found her and tricked her to come to me and got her in the house. You see? Downs and ups. And that's how my day at the office was too.

I got to talk to a couple friends this afternoon. Indiana and California are so far, yet our hearts just stay connected. It's beautiful, how friendships can be so strong.

The day was full of sunshine and lovely temperatures.. Spring is coming! I just care about the warmth, but the pretty flowers are good to have too. I went to get the mail in shorts and bare feet. And I found something I never expected: three postcards from around the states. Each postcard had a happy birthday wish. Each postcard came from someone I've never met. Each postcard has a connection to my friend Rachel. OMG. She asked some of her friends to send me happy birthday postcards. And just the other day I got two postcards from Rachel (she's in France until June). I couldn't stop smiling!! I sent her a message as soon as I got to the computer. Man, that woman is special. She sure knows how to brighten my day. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have.

The evening brought a little art, a little music at the local record store, a little conversation and desert at Hugo's. Ay santo! Como me encanta Hugo's y las grasshopper crepes de ahi. Then back to the record store just to meet two new awesome people to bring into my life.

The evening also brought conversation with a friend.. I couldn't stop smiling, so I just had to tell her how happy I was and told her about all the sun rays that lit my day. And what did she say? She commented on how nice it was of me to find happiness in the details. HA. That's not quite true, and I told her. Happiness is a choice. Happiness doesn't require details. They help, but it's not just in the details. Happiness is the choice we make when we decide is more important to be thankful for the friend that cares so much to take the time to get others to wish you happy birthday in a special way, rather than to decide that such things cannot possibly bright up a day because there's a bigger cloud overhead... because I've had a series of shitty events also happen to me and that's... well that's just horrible, isn't it. NO IT ISN"T. Life IS a series of shitty events. Just in case it hasn't clicked yet, LIFE ends in DEATH. But that's just it. That's where we are free to make the choice to be happy for what we have and what we are, instead of TRYING to be happy by trying to become someone we think we need to be in order to be happy. I'm not saying we shouldn't strive to improve ourselves and our lives. But if you don't celebrate each ray of sunshine, you will just get to the deep of summer and STILL not be happy (because you will still be focusing on what you are not, and where you are not, and what you don't have.) I told her all that, but it didn't make a dent. There's only so much words can do, so at the end I just let her keep talking. Maybe by listening I helped a little. But my ray of sunshine sure came when I put an end of that conversation. I was still happy, and she was still trying to be happy. Trying is not doing. And doing is what makes things happen.

I'm so thankful for so much. When I got back home I came to find my little niece and nephew and got to play with them and make them laugh. Life is sweet.

One day I'll get the guts to leave

He dicho.

There is something divine in tears

I don't like to cry. I especially don't like others to see me cry. But sometimes tears come out because they must. It's been a challenging week and I've cried several times. I've managed to not let any tears show, so no one has asked me what's wrong or why are my eyes so little. Yesterday was the worst... I wasn't sure I'd finish the day at the office, but I did. Today wasn't much better, but I got to leave early so I had more time to recoup. The moonrise was beautiful. The full moon reminds me of my sis L since October when I was there and we watched my last sunset over sea, which was magically followed by the full moon rising. She was so happy, so full of the moon's energy. She even told me I could keep the sun, that the moon was her girl. So this evening at dusk, when the moon was rising I had to pull over and take a photo and send it to her. She did the same, 2 hrs later, when the moon was rising on her time zone.

Every day this week I've wanted to call my dad, but after losing my phone and all my contacts I wasn't able to find his phone until today. I wanted to talk to him about that situation that has been driving me insane for so long, and ask his opinion of it... looking for some light, since I don't get any from my mom. I called him just now and we talked for about 15 minutes, not too long, as always. We're like that. We're not good on the phone. And I couldn't get the words out. I'm drowning on this and I couldn't ask him for advice. The words didn't come out, he was distracted by my little brother who kept coming on the phone to tell me to say hi to this person and that person. Cute, but didn't help my heavy heart... still heavy after the call. I'm really tired. March is coming and my days feel like dry sand in my hands.

Time to refocus. See the light in all the darkness.

Sublime selfportrait session

I just got done with my selfportrait session of today (it's the 8th of the month, so it's selfportrait day). I am tired, but feeling great! I put up a few pieces of paper on the big painting in the living room and did some quick charcoal drawings, then used some black and red paint. During the drawing session I had the camera behind me shooting. I put on some makeup... It kinda ended up looking like I just rubbed some charcoal around my eyes, though. I'm not so good at the makeup thing.

I'm super excited about the shots I got and I want to process them ahorita. BUT I'm really really tired. Work has drained me the last couple of days, so I'm going to hit the pillows in the next 10 minutes. After I wash all the charcoal, ahem, makeup off my face.

I need to take some time to brainstorm on other concepts for these selfportraits, cause I sho' ain't standing in front of a mirror again for any more of these! They have to be fabulous.

The night's soundtrack was Sublime. I was thirsty for Sublime. Maybe it was because I read this earlier "Let the journey to your inner realms of consciousness begin. Chiron, the zodiac’s 'wounded healer,' kicks off a seven-year tour through Pisces today. Learning how to express a clear, concise image to the world is your new challenge–but first, you must let go of your attachment to the identity you’ve held on to for so long. Can you still work for the man while holding fast to your punk rock persona? Indeed, there is a new balance for you to strike..."

Freezing temperatures go hand in hand with foul language

It's freezing outside. It's actually colder than freezing. I had never seen the temperature drop below 9 degrees F but it happened just a couple of days ago. How was it that it got to -2 degrees F? Most interestingly, how was it that I ended up here? But most importantly, why the hell am I still here? The quick answer to that last questios is "because I've been snowed in for a few days and I can't get on the road." The more elaborate answer doesn't belong to a public post here.

I've spent several winters trying to embrace the beauty of this season, so that even when it goes against my nature, I can enjoy it. But ever since that horrible ice storm in 2009 when we were left without power for 10 days, I just don't think I can find much more good points to this cold mess. But I've been good at hiding the negativity, until recently. I just can't take it anymore. It's cold, wet, ice everywhere, snow everywhere, roads covered. I tried to drive to the office last Friday and almost got in a wreck. Of course, after calming down I turned around to go back to the house where the ice on the streets couldn't hurt me, anyone else or my car. My animosity has become public knowledge. A friend of mine even made the comment of how if there is a hell, and I go there, my hell won't be full of fiery flames. It will be full of icicles and snow. What did I say to that? I said to hell with frozen hell. It pained me to even imagine it.

I have tried to stop talking to people about the weather. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea of me. Because I'm really a happy person, I have no cap on things I say or do, but see? That's the worst thing about me. And that's not too bad. But today, today I realized it might not all be my fault (or the weather gods' fault). I think I've also been PMSing for about 2 months. That's crazy (and maybe TMI) but I think it's true.

I hope I don't lose any friends in the process. And by "the process" I mean the time between the next hour and Summer. I am done with winters, all of them. I want to move to the tropics.

Greetings from the land of decompression

My weekend in just a few words: Relajo caliente, m'kay.
Like Rachel told me, "Everything in moderation, including moderation."

It was a truckload of sunshine

Is it too early to call it a week?

It's been a busy week. Last time I had a crazy week like this one was the week before shipping my paintings to Indiana for the HHM exhibit... and the week in October before leaving for California. But this week, oh, it's been crazy.

Work- busy. After work- busy. No time to stand still and just breathe. And I need that. I'm about to just drop to the ground and look up at the sky. WAIT! That reminds me-- I did that yesterday. When I was leaving Darby and Stephen's place I looked up the night sky and stood for a while. There seemed to be more stars filling the sky than usual. It helped that it wasn't so cold, so I could enjoy the moment.

It has also been a wonderful week. Every moment is a blessing, like a golden sunshine, each moment is unique. I've gotten so many hugs, compliments, handshakes, and met so many new friends this week. Good-byes and hellos. Life is a whole bunch of hellos and good-byes.

It's not time to call it a week yet. I have some more office work to finish and then some more hanging out and errands to run this afternoon. This weekend will be mine, though. All mine. Sit, breathe... and some yoga for this sister.

Wave by wave

It's been a cold Friday, ice all around. We're one full month into Winter and I'm enjoying the lovely days as they get longer, filled with lovely sunshine.

After lunch with my madre at Little India, we went to la tienda next door and grabbed some things. I bought lentils and I plan to cook another great curry for lunches next week. I'm finding less and less flavor in meat and exploring the great flavaaas in veggies. A couple of days ago there was an interesting conversation with a couple of friends, about their most favorite food. SMC loves peanut butter; Dar loves nutella, peanut butter and almond butter; I didn't hear what Ironside's fave food is, but I'm pretty sure is something super spicy like chile tapatio. Me? I couldn't name one thing that drives me crazy like that (actually, my response was "sunsets" but that's when someone clarified we were talking about food). I've thought about it a lot after that night, and I still don't have one thing that I love most, food-wise. I love it all and I appreciate and welcome new flavors.

I've been sore today, from my yoga session last night. Since the sore body can only mean that I am doing things right (and that I shouldn't let many days go by before the next session) I took my 53 minutes today for another yoga session. Beautiful. Bien rico se siente al mantener una postura y sentir como lso musculos van agradeciendo y poniendose calientitos. And now I'm still sore, pero que rico se siente! There are some postures I haven't mastered yet, like the Silver Surfer. But like I told SMC, it's little by little, wave by wave. I'm going to be a tsunami before long, with discipline and smiles.

I'm getting in shape, because I want to learn how to surf. Standing on a wave, I cannot imagine anything better. Well, I can: Standing on a wave at sunset. SHOUT!

Life is beautiful. I'm so in love with it right now.

Random thoughts on a snow day

I woke up to snow on the ground and more falling from the sky. Really cold. Wet. Frozen. After looking out the window it was clear that I wouldn't be driving anywhere. That, up here, it's called a snow day.

The day went easy and the sun came out in the afternoon. I was SO thankful, so so thankful that I even went out to get the mail wearing flip flops and no jacket (celebrating the sun-- quickly, cause it was cold). As I got to the mailbox, the UPS truck pulled over and I started laughing. I said "I came at the right time," and the UPS guy was laughing too; he said "now, I just need to get the rest of my deliveries to do the same!" But now I don't know if he was so happy because of my perfect timing or because he was amused to see me walking on the snow with flip flops and rolled up pants!

There was also a moment in the day when my mom told me, out of the blue "yo no sé que idea vas a tener, pero vas a tener una gran idea y vas a tener dinero." That got me down. Something so inspiring shouldn't get me down, right?! But I feel so fucking trapped.. I didn't even respond, just painfully dismissed the comment.

I'm trying to clear spaces out. So much trash accumulated. So much. I wanted to play music all day long, but my mom seems to be allergic to my music.. always turning it down or shutting it off completely.

It was a great day. Highlights were the happy UPS moment, LOTS of inspiration and reading online, talking to Regi and remembering a couple of fun moments in El Salvador (Sandris "Por el amor de Jesus! No hemos venido a pelear, hemos venido a jugar y divertironos" a media cancha!) Oh lordy... Blessed be.

I also did my Michael Franti yoga and it was awesome. As I was wrapping up the session, I noticed the moon rising next to me through the window. Beautiful. And I felt beautiful, just as bright as the sister in the sky.

10 years ago

It's not my intention to write a post every day, but that's the way it's worked this week.

Today I got a reminder. It's January 13th.
In 2001 this date fell on a Saturday. I was at church with a group of people for a training or something. Right around 11:33am we felt the ground move a little. After a few seconds, that felt like hours, it started shaking-- hard. I hadn't experienced that before, at least not that I remembered. Trying to get out of the building and experiencing those few moments is something I will never forget. Trying to walk out and the ground moving me around, moving me back a couple of steps, the benches being lifted from the ground as if they were jumping. And the wall just out the side entrance, moving like it was linens in the wind.
After the ground calmed down everything was still moving inside, just like feeling the waves around your body after a long day of swimming in the sea.
We got out of the building and there was a cloud of dirt behind the volcano. We didn't know it, but many families had just been buried on the other side of the city. Some of them were still alive, underground. Over 1000 lives lost. There are numbers, several numbers.. the number of aftershocks that followed the big quake, the number of casualties, how many landslides, the magnitude of the quake on this scale and on that scale, the number of troops that came from other countries to help, the amount of dollars received in aid, the amount of dollars in aid that didn't reach the victims, the amount of days we were out of school while the building got repaired, the number of trips we made to go help out or deliver food to those left without a home or without a family. So many numbers, but 13... that number came back to us. Exactly a month later there was a second earthquake. I remember exactly where I was that second time, waiting for my dad to pick me and my sister up. We were heading to the American Embassy, to pick up our passports with a brand new tourist visa. If I had to, I could take you to that exact building, to that exact table next to that big glass window where we waited.

The days between the earthquakes on those unforgettable 13's felt like an eternity. They were filled with aftershocks and transformation. We became completely different individuals after those quakes. Life would never be the same and the paths we were following were buried too.

Some year-long projects

Today is the 12th. I like that number.

I was talking to Pauli about projects to get us going in 2011 and I wrote down my list.

• Cuaderno Pepino (Pauli and I will keep a notebook each and we'll fill it out this year. Maybe with words, maybe with sketches, maybe with photos, maybe with all of that)


• Autorretrato 8 (each month on the 8th I'll take a selfportrait)


• Film year #26 (starting on the day of my birthday, I'll carry a film camera with me at all times and I'll record my 26th year [2+6=8, yo!]. I won't develop the photos until my birthday in 2012. I'll try to take a photo per day, but I'll be very flexible about the whole thing.. it's all good) Summer. I'll document my summer in film and will develop in the winter, just to remind myself that there is hope once the cold is gone.


• 52 in 2011 (Anna and I will take a photo per week until the end of the year. This was inspired by our 365 project [which, I'm still curating... I have to post the last couple of months of photos still] I think Becky is also in this)
  
  
• Postcard 8 (I'll send 8 postcards each month, 2 per week. These will go to several friends and family.. I like this a lot because I know those postcards will make the receipient smile when they get the unexpected love in the mail)

Good for the soul

It's Monday and it snowed last night. My office was extra cold today and I tried to keep warm with cafe con leche and lovely music while I worked, but it didn't work. During a post office run at lunch I saw the snow is melting on the streets. The sun was working, even when I couldn't see his face... that made me smile.

This weekend was so lovely. I got to hangout with a few of my dearest friends (Becky came from Tulsa and we met up with lil Carlee; then I got plenty of Dar-B time + a side of Ironside on Sunday too). I didn't even look at my to-do list or my email, and that was soooo refreshing. And even then, I was productive. The Dar-B body paint project is underway and we brainstormed a lot about themes and what we want from it. And we also talked about a Dar-B-Ironside show inspired by the RRRproject. I found out Darby's eyes are brown, but sometimes get green... like when she got a little hair dye in them and had to use a lot of water to make sure she didn't leave any of that hair dye in. I thought it was awesome. The next day she saw my eyes and said "you're eyes are chocolate!" It made me happy.

I also caught up with Anna by phone on Sunday night and we talked Wakarusa photography. We are so excited about Waka... the lineup for this year is great. I will get to see Ben Harper & Relentless 7 live and I get stoked at the mere thought of it-- every time. I wish I could get all my friends and loved ones (Lidi, Pauli, el Chino, Rachel) to come to Waka with me. It would be so awesome! I talked to Pauli tonight, and as always, those conversations are medicine for the heart. She's busy like I am, with a ridiculous to-do list, but taking it easy. (Somos Zen-Minded). She mentioned that one of her uncles told her to go back to El Salvador para que fuera a cuidar el rancho en la playa El Zonte. I jumped at that and told her that fit my plan B! The one we had already talked about-- she said I would have to get in line for the job because her tio Daniel also wants the position of "Vigilant del Rancho."

And while this weekend was awesome, I've realized that I'm not paying enough attention to my family. I don't know how to fix this. If it was in my power I wouldn't even live here, but I do live here and I live close to them. And while that is a blessing most of the time, the proximity makes me feel guilty when I don't see them often. I just have to be aware of things and not let my freedom dreams distant me from my family. They are precious and I don't want to regret being absent from their lives. But as Rachel told me last week, "Everything in moderation. Including moderation."

This week is going to be cold. (And) looks like this Winter is going to be bad. I am so ready for my summer love. My <3 playlist is full of songs of sunshine and love. At least they are lifting me up and getting me through the cold, cold days.

Brand new year

Friends and family. New beginnings. Fresh smiles and so many new stories to create.

Tonight I was with my friend SMC when he bought his ticket to Argentina. We were both so excited. We met in college, but didn't become friends until we crossed paths again at the end of 09/beginning of 2010. So 2010 is the year our friendship really took shape. He's brought (and keeps bringing) many blessings to my life. Many of those blessings come in the form of new dear friends. Every time I'm with him I feel like I should have a $1 notebook or a moleskin (ahem), because there are always lines that come up in our conversations that I want to keep forever. Yesterday he told me something and I said "What? Wait.. Rewind. Delete." (and it worked, because I really don't remember what he said before). Today we made reference of that and his forgetfulness and he said "I think I just never record." Oh friends.

And something strange happened. On Saturday my mom bought 2 watches and she thought I'd like one of them, but I didn't. So we talked about the watch I already have (a $10 white watch I got at Target last year) and I thought about where in the house it could be, because it's been a minute since I've seen it. Then this morning something very strange happened. I had a long night with very little sleep, but when I was finally able to rest I started hearing a very annoying beeping. I had to follow the sound. I was still dreaming about some wonderland, because I really didn't know what I was looking for, but I kept following the sound. Which took me to a bag, inside of another bag, where I found my white watch still on Central Daylight Savings Time. I struggled to stop the alarm (that's how long it had been since I used it and how much in my dream I still was). How did that alarm get activated? And that's just one of the many questions that came to me and went (along with me) back to sleep.

New beginnings. Shaping up my new year resolutions before I drift into sleep and dive into the ocean of wonderful dreams and infinite sunsets.